


Two Ghosts

by MindyMN



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Did I Say This Was A Slow Burn, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Hallucinations, I Haven't Read Any Books, I'm So Sorry For It, Insecure Simon Lewis, M/M, Maybe Malec Too If I Have Ideas, One-Sided Clary Fray/Simon Lewis, Or I'll Try At Least, Saphael, Simon Lewis Needs a Hug, Slow Burn, So I'm Basically Doing Whatever I Want With This, clan dynamics, this is really long
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-06
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-04-19 09:30:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 78,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14234325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MindyMN/pseuds/MindyMN
Summary: There had always been this deep connection between Simon and Raphael. Neither of them could explain it, but it was impossible to ignore. And the more time passed by, the deeper it became. Right to the point when they could no longer stop it nor take any of it back.(Previously called The Love Underneath It All)





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I'm going to regret this, but screw it because this show is killing me and I need more Saphael in my life. I'm a complete newbie in writing for this fandom so please bear with me. And also please tell me whether you like this and whether it's worth to continue. Enjoy!

"Is that the mundane's name? I'm afraid Simon's coming with us."

That right there was the first time Simon thought he was going to die. Even after counting all those times when school, his social life or anything else for that matter had tried to ruin him. None of those things had ever come close to threatening his life for real, however.

But now he was being held what around hundred feet above the ground? By a couple of vampires? Definitely not cool.

He could try squirming a little, but even if the vampires let go of him, in the end, he would only meet the ground and he would... well die. Now, what good would that do? He would never pursue his dreams with music. He would never confess to how he felt about Clary. How he'd always felt. And he didn't even dare to imagine how his mom and sister would take this because they wouldn't. Not if this was really the end.

He still couldn't believe this. All this supernatural stuff was so new to him and here he was, already reaching to death itself. What an accomplishment in such a short time.

"No! No, he's not a part of this," Clary begged and Simon's heart broke upon seeing her so close to crying. Which was kind of ridiculous when you thought about it. He was in danger and his mind was still mostly focused on Clary. Just like always. He was really far too deep in it.

"And it'll be my pleasure to kill you unless you return him," Jace joined but once again it did nothing. Those were all just words and it didn't matter whether they were pleas or threats, the vampires still had the upper hand and Simon was still so close to losing it all completely.

"Careful. We'd be violating the Accords," Alec pointed out and if Simon wasn't stunned by the whole situation, he wouldn't help but laugh at that. Because how was it possible that his kidnappers weren't violating these so-called Accords too?

"I'm afraid your sidekick's quite right," the vampire continued and all Simon could do was just inwardly curse. "The Night Children have broken no laws. We're negotiating."

 _Negotiating my ass_ , Simon thought, but then another thought struck him. _The Night Children? What a cool name for a band._ Right after that he mentally slapped himself because he was still so close to dying and this was not the time to think about anything else than just that.

"The mundane, unharmed, in exchange for the Mortal Cup."

So this was his role? One so-called Mortal Cup in exchange for one mortal Simon Lewis. What could possibly go wrong?

"And the clock is ticking. Tick-tock, people," the vampire finished and right at that moment, the real panic took over Simon. But he still couldn't do anything about it. So he just hopelessly shouted Clary's name right before his vision got blurry. The only reply he got was Clary's terrified voice. She was screaming his name. Hearing something so close to breaking down even intensified his fear. So, in the end, he could only hope that he would hear her voice again. As happy and as beautiful as he'd remembered it. That was the only way how he would get through this.

* * *

 

And his fear hadn't lost his strength even when he found himself locked inside what he presumed the vampire lair was. He had no idea how much time had passed. For him, it seemed like hours but deep inside he was fully aware that couldn't be farther from the truth. To his defense, though, time went by far more slowly when he was terrified beyond imagination.

But the adrenaline pumping through his veins couldn't leave him alone. Not even for a little bit. He had to keep trying. No matter how stupid it might be.

So he marched towards the locked door and started knocking nervously. "Hello! Anyone?"

But did he really wanted someone to come? Judging by his heavy breathing, it was hard to tell really. But, god, he felt so hopeless. There was no way he would start thinking straight anytime soon much to his dismay.

"I'm just an accounting student. I have no value to anyone. An-and I barely saw your faces, so if you let me go, I couldn't even identify you," he stammered and turned away from the door. He had no other choice than to just start pacing nervously back and forth. Because that was what fear had always been doing to him.

"Not that I would, 'cause you guys are vampires! Who would believe me?" he pointed out more to himself and started waving his hands around but that did nothing to ease his mind nor his heart. And breathing was still the hardest task ever for him. "I didn't even know you guys existed until yesterday!"

But then something happened. He wasn't sure whether he heard or spotted something but it was still enough to convince him to take another look and after that, he was no longer alone.

"Is anyone there?" he asked and in a flash of seconds, someone indeed appeared. But everything happened too quickly to Simon's liking. One slight glance was all that was needed for him to know that this vampire was the same one that had kidnapped him. So much for not being able to identify them.

However, the sight of the vampire startled him so much that he couldn't help but recoil. And his legs suddenly felt much weaker than ever before, especially when the door to his cell opened and the vampire uncovered himself in his full glory. And the closer he got, the more his whole body faltered.

"If your goal was to scare the crap out of me, mission accomplished!"

"And if yours was to piss me off, then it's mission accomplished for you too," the vampire growled and uncovered his fangs.

Simon could swear his heart stopped beating for a split of seconds. He flinched back once again and could feel how the shivering only emphasized. He was so close to collapsing to the ground. Why he hadn't done so already was utterly beyond him.

"Okay, that's way scarier than in all vampire movies I've ever seen," he claimed and ran both his hands through his hair.

The vampire just glared at him in return, unamused.

"Look, as far as I'm concerned you can have it out with those Shadowhunters. Especially, the blonde one. You must be definitely older than them so it shouldn't be such a huge problem to take them down, right? Or is it rude of me to talk about your age?"

"You can never shut up, can't you?" the vampire hissed and kept coming closer right until he had Simon completely cornered.

"And you can't just simply let me go, can you? So I guarantee you that this is not exactly a walk in the park for me either!" Simon furiously shouted. Maybe no one was going to save him. Maybe he was indeed going to die here. In that case, no one could blame him for losing his mind. Because he'd just screamed at a vampire. If that didn't mean he was losing his mind, he was not sure what would.

But the vampire didn't march, infuriated, toward him as Simon supposed he would. He retained his composure and only lifted his eyebrows in slight wonder. "I'm here to follow orders, but you're tempting me to hurt you on your own."

"You're just following orders?" Simon questioned and furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

The vampire's threatening stare returned right away. "What do you care?"

Simon quickly shook his head and glanced at the ground for a split of a second. "No reason. I just want to understand all of this somehow."

The vampire suddenly took a step forward and growled, making sure his fangs were once again visible to the latter. "No one needs you to understand!"

"Okay, okay! Jeez," Simon sighed and lifted both of his hands in front of his face in a surrendering manner. "You just didn't seem like the type, that's all."

After that, Simon thought only more threats awaited him, which was why he kept his head lowered. Facing the dark-haired vampire had seized being easy long time ago but now, he was on a completely new level of being terrified. If that was even possible. But like vampires were real, this obviously was too.

And yet no words or any other sounds managed to find their way to his ears. There was only this utter silence, scaring him even more. And as he slowly raised his head back up, he realized the vampire hadn't moved at all. Which made the temptation to panic stronger than ever. He still had nowhere to go. And he'd never been more aware of that than in that exact moment.

In the end, however, the vampire decided to break that silence for him. "You were wrong."

"About what?"

"You said that you had no value to anyone. But sadly you do. And until we get what we want, you have nowhere to go," he coldly stated and turned around towards the door, motioning for Simon to follow.

But before Simon could force his weak legs to move, he dared to point out one last thing. "And you said you would let me go unharmed."

The vampire stopped moving and Simon could swear he just rolled his eyes. That much was obvious even though all he could see was the latter's back. "I did. It's in your best interest to not tempt me or anyone else to violate that."

After that, Simon really had nothing more to say. He just gulped and followed him outside, praying that someone was going to help him soon.


	2. Nothing More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Sit down,” he commanded suddenly, but Simon didn’t seem to be moved by that at all. He barely dedicated him any look right before he turned around and noticed all the antique stuff decorating the room. He started slowly looking around without giving any answer.
> 
> Raphael wasn’t pleased by that at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! Thank you so much for all the feedback! The comments, kudos, bookmarks and all those views! They definitely encouraged me to continue this even though it's still hard to say where it is going XD. But I definitely want to find out so stayed tuned. Unfortunately, my updates are going to be slow so I apologize already. Because I have one more on-going story which deserves my attention too. I hope that's understandable and that you will be patient. Hopefully, it will be worth the wait in the end too. So enjoy!

Raphael would lie if he claimed that he didn't care. If it was up to him, Simon would've never been captured in the first place. But just like the mundane himself, Raphael didn't have much of a say in this either. It didn't matter that he didn't seem to be the type, he had to follow the orders.

Which was what he kept repeating to himself as he sharply shoved the scared mundane forward with a force so strong Simon almost lost his balance and fell.

"You know I can walk on my own," the latter spat out and one of Raphael's eyebrows lifted ever so slightly for a split of seconds. The tone of his voice no longer sounded like he was scared. It sounded bitter. And for what it was worth, it definitely piqued Raphael's interest when exactly the sudden change had occurred.

"Not as quickly as you can talk apparently," Raphael pointed out and fought a strong urge not to roll his eyes as they found themselves in the center of the room where they were supposed to wait for Camille. "Only one of your many special talents, I presume."

Simon scoffed at that but kept his head looking rather at the ground than anywhere else. "I don't have any special talents. I'm just incredible in getting kidnapped and being friends with the right people or so it seems." But he said it so barely above a whisper, Raphael was sure he hadn't been supposed to hear that at all. Without his enhanced hearing, he never would have. But now he could only wonder whether the latter really meant what he’d just said. The way he’d voiced the word _friends_ was the oddest thing about it all. Then Raphael remembered Clary Fairchild and how terrified she’d been when he’d kidnapped Simon. It was no secret that they were close just as it was suddenly clear their friendship was scarred. And if his age had taught him anything at all it was that scars so serious could be caused only by one thing - love.

But it wasn’t like Raphael would openly confess he had this theory. Pissing the mundane off more than he already was just didn’t seem like the right thing to do. For obvious reasons, of course.

That didn't mean that his mouth stayed shut though.

“You forgot being a pain in my ass,” Raphael remarked only little playfully and expected just another snort or even a glare in return. But nothing like that happened, because instead he got a smile. So subtle and barely visible that it disappeared almost right away, but it was enough for Raphael to spot it. And create this weird feeling inside him. He couldn’t exactly put a finger on it or explain it but it was strong enough to be a bother. And that proved to be all that was needed for his stoic look to return.

“Sit down,” he commanded suddenly, but Simon didn’t seem to be moved by that at all. He barely dedicated him any look right before he turned around and noticed all the antique stuff decorating the room. He started slowly looking around without giving any answer.

Raphael wasn’t pleased by that at all. “Why won’t you sit?”

But again, no answer.

“I really hate fidgeting,” Raphael warned and this time Simon didn’t leave him hanging.

“Well, I hate having someone constantly breathing on my neck from behind!” he snorted and ran a hand down his face as the realization struck him. “Okay, that definitely sounded better in my head.”

Raphael slightly lifted his eyebrows because right up to this point it had seemed like the mundane wasn’t capable of keeping any things to himself. Apparently, he was, though, in his own weird way. But that wasn't enough. It was still driving Raphael mad most of the time Simon opened his mouth. But for now, he was willing to let it slide.

And the next thing he remembered was an antique knife sticking from his chest. As the realization that the mundane had thrown it dawned on him, he couldn’t hide a mocking chuckle. “Oh please.”

His amusement, however, vanished just as quickly as it appeared when he noticed the blood stain on his jacket getting bigger and bigger.

"Honestly, I just got this jacket," he pointed out threateningly, but a small part of him was shocked. It was a good throw. For a mundane anyway. "There's no way out. You're a hostage, so accept it."

But of course, he wouldn't. No matter how many times Raphael would remind him. Whether it was brave or just stupid and naive, however, remained hidden.

"I'm a hostage? That means you won't kill me, yeah?" Simon wondered with a forming smile Raphael could only interpret as triumphant which was beyond ridiculous by now. Why was he even trying? Was this mundane listening at all? Probably not. And yet, Raphael was fully aware that if it had been up to him, Simon wouldn't have come to any harm. Because even with his rambling, he had a point.  He was a hostage. Dead hostage equaled no leverage. Simple as that.

Although this information had never left Raphael's mind, he'd managed to only open his mouth before Camille answered it for him.

"Won't kill you?" she asked and formed a sly smile as she walked inside. "Who said that?"

As she passed by him, the look of disdain couldn't be more visible for Raphael to see. Especially when she tried so little not to spit out his name in mere irritancy. Luckily for Raphael, the feelings were mutual and everyone knew about it. Nothing could stop him from glaring at her with the contempt just as strong as hers. Maybe even stronger.

But she didn't stop by him. Raphael hardly bothered her at this point. Her eyes stayed aimed merely at the mundane. And although she wasn't staring him down in contempt as she had Raphael, the glance she was dedicating Simon with wasn't much of a win either. It was a look of a huntress, getting its prey.

"Oh, look," she remarked slyly as she came to a halt in front of the terrified Simon. "How sweet. You're bleeding."

Raphael could only watch with his annoyance exacerbating with each second as she rubbed her finger along the wound on Simon's forehead and licked it afterward. And weirdly some part of him wanted him to put a stop to that. Because he was sick of her violating the Accords as easily as breathing was. He was sick of covering it up. Because for the sake of the clan, he didn't have any other choice.

Raphael honestly cared. After all these years, it felt impossible not to anyway. He’d managed to notice and learn many things during that time and one of those things was how vampires differed from any other Downloader. It didn’t matter whether it was a werewolf or a warlock, everyone would always look at them the way unlike any other. With more caution, more fear, more mistrust, and more judgment. Even Shadowhunters would always look at them the same way. And one the one hand, it was on point. Their thirst for blood was a valid proof of that. But on the other hand, it wasn't their fault they were like this. Most of them couldn't have made their own choice, most of them had been turned against their own will. And for some reason, this fact was so easily ignored by almost everyone else.

But Raphael wasn't stupid either. He knew that the vampires themselves were to blame for that too. The ones like Camille were doing their best to make sure their kind would lose any shred of hope they had for cleansing their name. With vampires like Camille out there, Raphael could understand all the hostility, but his clan wasn't like that. He himself wasn't like that. And yet no one was willing to see it.

Which was why he constantly felt like a misfit. They all did. And they weren't doing anything to change that. So maybe they really did deserve that punishment after all.

"I am so looking forward to getting to know you," Camille suddenly stated suggestively and Raphael had to fight a strong urge not to roll his eyes for probably the nth time. She would never learn. She would never stop. And he would never fully make peace with that.

“What do you want with him anyway?” Raphael asked, trying so hard to make it seem like he cared only in general. Which was the ultimate truth after all.

“That’s none of your concern, but if you really need to know don’t worry. I just want to make sure he has no idea where the Mortal Cup is.”

“I’m here by the way and I can hear you and for the record, I have no idea what this Mortal Cup even is so you can save yourself the trouble, really,” Simon stammered and rubbed the back of his head nervously.

Camille cocked her head to one side in wonder. “Would you prefer Raphael having the honor?”

“No!” both Raphael and Simon shouted in unison and Raphael hated Camille for the smirk that formed on her face right after.

“You two are so cute.”

Raphael could only sigh. He’d had enough of this nonsense. So without saying anything more he just turned to leave the two of them alone, not noticing how Simon glanced at him. It was almost as if he didn’t want him to leave. 

* * *

 

Only a few minutes passed when Raphael’s phone buzzed and revealed a text message from no one else than the High Warlock of Brooklyn himself. Magnus wanted him to visit.

Raphael couldn’t help but frown at that. From what he knew, Magnus was supposed to lay low for now or so he understood from the last message he’d gotten from him earlier that day. But who was he really to question that? Maybe something indeed was wrong or maybe it was really just a harmless visit. Either way, something in the end convinced Raphael to send his reply and after only a few seconds the portal appeared right in front of him and took him to where Magnus and the rest of the warlocks were hiding. But they were alone in the room. Magnus would always take care of that.

“You know, I don’t think that getting me here through a portal is the definition of staying low,” he stated, lifting his eyebrows knowingly.

Magnus cocked his head to one side and took one sip from his cocktail. “Come on, Raphael, you know me. I can take care of myself.” Then his eyes narrowed at the blood which was so annoyingly decorating Raphael’s suit. “Unlike you, apparently. I suppose that didn’t happen by your fault.”

“It’s actually a pretty boring story so let’s just leave it.”

But Magnus’ eyes glittered curiously as that one sentence was all that was needed to pique his interest. “Nothing can be more boring than being stuck here, so please do enlighten me.” He put his drink aside and clapped his hands once before taking one step toward Raphael. “Did another vampire do it? Or a werewolf?”

“A mundane, actually,” Raphael snorted under his breath and glared when he saw the smirk playing on Magnus’ lips.

“In that case, they must’ve left quite an impression on you. Your enhanced reflexes and speed should prevent you from getting hit by knives, shouldn’t they? Let alone so well. Because look, they struck you almost where your heart is supposed to be. That’s so poetic.”

If Raphael’s stare could kill, Magnus wouldn’t stand a chance. But like this, Raphael could merely suffer him or leave. “You done?” he blinked a few times, irritated.

Magnus pouted slightly but held his hands up in surrender. “You’re no fun. I suppose you’re not gonna tell me their name either.”

“Exactly. Now if there isn’t anything else, you should portal me back and find yourself a different entertainment.”

"So touchy, but it's still always a pleasure to see you."

Raphael cocked his head to one side and scoffed. Somewhere deep inside, he felt the same way. Even with Magnus' irritating remarks, there was no one closer to his heart than the warlock. And although a part of him secretly yearned to stay for a little longer, the other knew very well he couldn't. He had to come back before Camille would find out he'd left in the first place.

“One more thing,” Magnus pointed out and snapped his fingers. After that, Raphael’s jacket looked just as new as before. Completely undamaged. “Now you have just only your memories to remind you.”

Raphael didn’t comment that. It was that kind of truth which he could only frown upon and hate. Especially when he knew he was on his way only to create more memories like that.

“This time, you should stay low for real,” he emphasized instead with a serious look.

Magnus rolled his eyes at that but refused to protest. Teasing seemed to be more tempting than ever. “Good luck with your mundane.”

Raphael scoffed and managed to crack a subtle smile. “You’re unbelievable.”

“I know,” Magnus agreed and formed a smug grin before opening the portal in the center of the room.

Raphael nodded him in gratitude and without saying anything more he entered the portal and found himself once again in the hotel. 

* * *

 

Those passed moments were blurry and putting them together somehow proved to be too hard for Simon. He remembered Raphael. Yes, that was his name. He knew it now. He remembered how he’d thrown a knife at him. _Oh my god_ , he’d thrown a knife at him. Or was it a dagger? That was hugely beyond the point because it still had happened and Simon hated himself for it. What had he been thinking?

But then everything had turned upside down again when that woman appeared. She was really hot. Which was, of course, the first thing that crossed his mind when he saw her. Right after that, she got a subtle taste of his blood which kind of destroyed everything and Simon once again wished he could run. To where he didn’t care. Just away.

Clary was going to save him. He knew she was. She wouldn’t let anything bad happen to him, would she? But what if she was too late? What if indeed he wasn’t going to make it out of here alive?

Such thoughts got silenced pretty quickly. There was just not enough room for them after what followed. If he’d thought that Camille was hot before, she was a true goddess for him now and nothing could change his mind about it. The thought of Clary no longer existed just like the thought of Raphael or anyone else on that matter. Only Camille was dominating his mind like it was the easiest thing on earth. Maybe it even was. If today had taught him anything, it was that he was weak. He’d always been. It was only a matter of time before he would admit it to himself.

Which was exactly why he couldn't restrain from kissing her back. He was spellbound by her every move, by her voice and eyes. Everything. There wasn’t anything he could say no to her to.

Well, maybe there was something.

He could recall her asking where that Cup was again. Probably for the first time in his whole life he was happy that he didn’t know something although from the bottom of his heart he wished he could tell her everything about him and hear her saying everything about herself too.

Another weird thing - he was pretty sure he’d drunk blood just because she wanted him too. What the hell was wrong? Was this going to be the definition of his life now? Just because stupid Jace had bumped into Clary that night and made her realize all this shitshow was real? How pathetic for Simon to think like this. Because it would’ve happened anyway. Jocelyn would’ve still been sleeping. Simon knew that. It was just... frustrating. Throughout his whole life, he had no idea Shadowhunters, vampires or any kind of demons even existed. But now he was making out with one although his subconsciousness was screaming at him not to. He had no idea whose blood he’d just drunk and his life was still being threatened. This was so beyond the life he used to know that he wished nothing more than to curl up and cry. But he couldn’t do anything like that. Which was destroying him even more.

But then some slight hope indeed ignited. Because Camille started to be nervous and cautious, picking up the telephone beside her and giving orders Simon was too lost to distinguish. But something was telling him this was a good sign. He was going to be saved after all. Perhaps everything wasn’t doomed for him.

Those thoughts only flickered for a flash of seconds in his enchanted mind. But the more minutes passed the more tense Camille seemed to be. Which proved to be enough for him to fight his state and get a real hold of those thoughts and hopes. After that he refused to lose any more seconds. He stood up and marched away as quickly as he dared, shouting Clary's name gullibly again just to let her know where he was because he was so sure she and the other Shadowhunters were the sources of Camille's worries. However, he didn’t manage to get far. Little did he know that Raphael was right there probably guarding him the whole time. And when their eyes met, the dark-haired vampire wasn’t pleased by that at all. Neither was Camille, of course.

“I told you, you're a hostage! Accept it!” Raphael hissed at him and shoved him abruptly back.

Yet Simon refused to lose his chance. Not when he was so close to getting home. So he charged, however stupid that might seem, and did his best to imitate one of the countless moves he'd witnessed in movies.

But of course, he proved to be no match for the only-God-knows-how-old vampire. To make him feel even more pathetic, Raphael didn't use his super speed or super strength to neutralize him at all. He didn't need to and Simon hated him even more for it.

And before he knew it a dagger was pressed against his neck much too tightly to his own liking. Whether it was the same one he had thrown at Raphael earlier he had no idea, but one thing was for sure. He would definitely appreciate the irony if he could. But like this, he could only endure how the blood in his head was pumping and deafening all his surroundings. He could barely distinguish what words were being said afterward.

He got paralyzed. In the strong grip of Raphael's arms, he could hardly move. The panic was taking over him so quickly he forgot to keep on breathing for some time. But as a fool he was, he couldn't let it overcome him completely. He might've been so close and yet so far, but he still had a chance to get closer. That was something his messed-up brain was still aware of. So he had to take it.

"Don't move. I know you wanna find out how this story ends," Raphael growled in his ear.

Simon couldn't help but flinch. Yet he refused to speak up after that. He only kept on trying to get free from Raphael's grip. Nothing worked. And Simon was slowly losing all his hope.

"Thank you, Raphael. I'll take care of this from here," Camille announced, obviously annoyed.

"You don't have to bother," Raphael protested, keeping the dagger exactly where it had been much to Simon's dismay.

Camille's patience was rapidly slipping through her fingers. "No, honestly. I've had it with this thing. Give it to me. I'll finish it off."

What followed right after couldn't leave Simon more bewildered.

"Camille, we have a bigger problem," Raphael remarked seriously. "They're almost here and you can't be caught. You're too valuable. Don't worry, I'll kill it."

Simon's heart skipped a beat and a few words did manage to come out of his mouth in the end. However, he regretted ever letting that happen right away. "That's a little excessive, yeah?"

"Shut up," Raphael hissed at him again and Simon couldn't help but gulp. There was no way he would say anything more after that.

"Take the back passage out through the tunnels. Go!" Raphael ordered Camille and as soon as she left, his attention turned once again to him. Just for a different reason than Simon had expected him to. He'd really thought that the death was coming to get him. But he was wrong.

"Now you listen and do exactly as I say... nothing more."

From that moment, Simon's vision got blurry again. Just like his memories from that day did. Or maybe he was just fooling himself. Because the whole situation and its outcome, Raphael's actions... it all seemed so surreal, so unlikely to happen that Simon really believed for a minute that it was all merely a dream. That kind of a dream that he wished with all his heart would never cease. Because he would wake up still imprisoned, probably, or he wouldn't wake up at all because Raphael might've killed him by now. The odds were not in his favor and he knew that very well. Raphael had no possible reason to let him live, let alone help him escape, but to kill him... there was no reason to hesitate or so Simon thought.

But all his expectations were exceeded as he found himself on the roof with Clary and the Shadowhunters. They were safe. The sun was shining and Simon felt like he had been down there for days when in real life he had been gone for only one night.

His heartbeat was no longer escalating. Its regular pace was slowly returning as the realization dawned on him. It still felt so surreal.

He might not have been capable of recalling that moment fully, but he did remember one thing.

_"Go! Take him! Go!" Raphael shouted and shoved him towards the exit, hissing in pain as the sun was burning his fragile skin._

_And the relief that dawned on Simon because of that was mesmerizing. Just as his gratitude was. With this move, Raphael had decided to take a huge risk. Simon didn't dare to guess what Camille would do to him if she ever found out._

_Everything was suddenly happening so fast. Simon's head was mercilessly spinning from the shock. But his brain was still functioning at some point. And he had to say at least something._

_"I don't know how to thank you," he claimed as he turned around to face Raphael for one final time. His voice was still shaking, but the meaning of his words stayed being true. He naively hoped that Raphael would tell the difference too._

_If he did, however, he refused to let it show. "Don't thank me. You mean nothing..."_

_Before Simon could even think of an answer to that, Jace pulled him out of there and that was it. He was free. With that, his current thoughts got silenced right away. With Clary there by his side again, they quickly morphed into pure happiness. He could finally breathe properly._

But Raphael's words had stayed with him ever since.


	3. Why Didn't You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Only when he turned around to face this person, Camille disappeared. Slight hunger for blood, however, never did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! I'm finally back with a new chapter, which I hope you'll like. I'm having so much fun writing this story so I can't wait to write more already! Especially now when I finally know at least a little where I want this story to go. Yay for me. And I also decided to include Malec in this story as a gift to one of my best friends. I hope that's okay, but remember that my main focus is still Saphael. Malec will be more minor-ish XD. And that's it, so enjoy!

When Simon woke up, he had no idea where he was. The bed he was occupying was soft and could easily win over the one he had home. But that was the problem. He wasn’t at home, this was in no way Clary’s house either so where the hell was he?

He fluttered his eyes open. The memories of last night were yet to strike him. Or at least he hoped there were from last night because he had no idea how much he’d slept.

And seeing his surroundings did little to help with his questions. But then he spotted a familiar figure sitting on the bed beside him. With black long hair. Isabelle, wasn’t it?

“Hello, sunshine,” she greeted him with a kind smile.

Simon slowly sat up and groaned, he must’ve looked terrible. He felt like it too. “How long did I sleep?”

“Not for long.”

“Where am I? Where’s Clary? Is she alright?”

Isabelle’s smile weakened at that. It was just astonishing how quickly Simon’s concern targeted Clary. Even though he was the one who had been kidnapped.

“You’re in the infirmary and Clary’s fine, Simon. She just fell asleep. After everything, both of you deserved a bit of a rest, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, of course. It’s just... everything is still kind of blurry for me, that’s all.”

“That’s probably for the best. The important thing is that you’re safe now. I’m really sorry for leaving you back there.”

“It's okay. It wasn’t your fault.” And it really wasn’t. Just Simon’s damn luck was to blame. Like always. He might not trust any of those people here, but they’d saved him and that must count for something. But then again, he remembered that someone else had saved his life that day. Everything might’ve been dizzy, but he could still recall this. Just because he hadn’t comprehended why exactly.

The man who had kidnapped him also saved him and Simon was sure it wasn’t just because he’d gotten a change of heart. It couldn’t have been. Simon had really believed that he was going to die back there and now when he clearly hadn’t, he could think about things he couldn’t have when it’d been all so hectic.

Unfortunately, it was pretty hard. Especially when he remembered how it had felt to see Clary after everything. Only when they’d hugged, he’d felt safe, finally. But he refused to live in a denial. He could clearly see how Clary would look at that Jace guy every time she thought he wasn’t paying attention to it. It was the same look he was dedicating her most of the time and probably as obvious. God, he was so pathetic and he hated it, but Clary was his best friend and no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t let go of the feelings he had for her.

After this little trance, which lasted only for a few seconds, he looked once again at Isabelle. She wasn’t smiling anymore. She was trying but failing miserably. Simon wasn’t blind. Her look was merely pitiful. And yet he didn’t blame her. He didn’t blame anyone who would look at him like that. Otherwise, he would only end up blaming the better part of the world and that was something he would happily pass, thank you very much.

“You can go after Clary if you want. I’m sure she’ll be happy to see you once she wakes up,” Izzy concluded and stood up, offering to show him the way.

Simon didn’t hesitate for a second and stood up right away. Only after that, it had dawned on him how even more pathetic that must've looked much to his despair.

“Yeah, I’d like that.” He attempted to smile, for real, but it had gone only to waste. And yet Izzy understood. After all, she had a brother with the same look. Noticing it and comprehending it at once was no longer difficult for her. Just a daily routine.

 

* * *

 

Simon had talked to Clary. And guess what? It hadn’t helped at all. On contrary, he’d started feeling even worse. How it was possible he had no idea. Maybe there were no words that would explain it to him so he would understand, but there were definitely words that would hurt him even more.

_Simon, you’re amazing._ Those words were replaying in his head over and over again. It was really astonishing how much pain they were causing when in fact they couldn’t be more positive. The thing is... he could be amazing, the best even, but he was never going to be the one. Not for Clary and probably not for anyone else. Because falling in love with him? That could take hundreds of years and who would have time for that?

But weirdly enough, this problem vanished as quickly as it appeared. He could no longer focus on that after what he’d seen in the mirror. He had a... blood dripping from his mouth. He could still remember how the beat of Clary’s artery had been resonating through his head when they’d escaped, but when he’d woken up, he dared to hope it had been merely a dream. Seeing Camille in the mirror with him now, however, proved how gullible that actually was.

His heart instantly stopped its pace and his legs felt so weak he thought he was going collapse if he tried to move if ever so subtly. But then again, he was completely paralyzed. Everything he tried had gone to waste.

But then he heard it. At first, it was barely audible like he’d been too far from the source of that sound, but it got better radically even though he still couldn’t move no matter how hard he tried.

“Hey, you okay?”

Only when he turned around to face this person, Camille disappeared. Slight hunger for blood, however, never did.

“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s nothing,” he lied and blinked a few times to shake off his trance completely. If only hearing Alec’s artery was also something he could easily get rid of.

“You were looking in the mirror and you seemed... terrified. Doesn’t seem like nothing to me.

Simon sighed and slowly closed his eyes. The deafening sound was killing him. Why couldn’t people just leave him alone?

“Look, you don’t need to worry about me, Alec, because I’m okay I swear.”

Alec didn’t look convinced by that much to Simon’s dismay. But that didn’t change the fact he needed to get out of there as soon as possible.

He took a step forward, but Alec refused to move. He just stubbornly remained standing in the doorway. Maybe in some different universe, Simon would attempt to shove him out of the way, but not in this one. Something so bold combined with Alec’s height and those abs would mean dead Simon and he was sick of getting into situations like that.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

“Out. Or am I a prisoner here too?”

“You’re safe here. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but considering the circumstances you can still be used as leverage. And not just for vampires this time.”

“Okay, but they let me go.”

“Only one of them let you go and he wasn’t even in charge. Who do you think the rest of them will follow? Him or their leader?”

Simon rolled his eyes. He wasn’t as annoyed as he’d thought he would be. At some point, it was nice people cared about his safety even though he was aware only his connection to Clary had made sure of that. Alec was just doing his job and that was it. But if they hadn’t been best friends, there would’ve been nothing special about him. The worst thing was that he’d already realized this even before he’d found out creatures like vampires, for example, existed.

But it was better if Alec thought he was annoyed. The deafening sound was getting worse as Alec’s temper started to shake. At that moment Simon wasn’t even sure whom he hated more. All he wanted was just to get out of there so he wouldn’t have to listen to that noise anymore. And all he was doing was pursuing Alec to lose all his patience, which only quickened his heartbeat and therefore made the noise utterly more unbearable. Paradox he couldn’t loathe more. This was freaking great.

“Okay, you may be right on that, but what if the vampires realized I was no good to them? Maybe they won’t try anything more.”

“Either way, others could try too and when that happens, you should be here where you’re safe.”

“Am I?” Simon snapped and started waving his hands around, frustrated. “I was kidnapped right under your noses so I feel a lot of things but safe right now. And besides, don’t act as you suddenly care, Alec. It doesn’t suit you.”

And the anger didn’t suit Simon either, but what other choice did he have when Alec was too stubborn to listen. Maybe he should’ve just told him about the hallucinations, the noise and about the abnormal hunger for blood, but he couldn’t no matter how much he tried. He had no idea what was happening to him, but the clues were pointing towards the very one thing he was more terrible than anything to admit.

Was he becoming a vampire? The question, even if not spoken out loud, stopped his heart at once. He wished so desperately he could remember exactly what had happened to him, what exactly had Camille done to him, but everything was foggy and any effort to remember caused his head only to shake and hurt more. He was praying to... he had no idea who he was praying to. Could he still pray to the God when he’d let this happen to him?

All those questions were rapidly destroying him. He could no longer take it so he stormed out, not even caring whether Alec still gave a damn or not. He just needed to get out. Even more desperately he hoped his problems would cease to exist with the change of surroundings. He was proved wrong on multiple levels. And yet he couldn’t say he was surprised by that. Unfortunately for him, New York was full of people with blood pumping through their veins and he could hear every single one of them when he got close enough. He’d never hated humans for reproducing so constantly, but maybe this was a good time to start.

And let’s not forget about the sun. That was freaking worst. People around him were wearing jackets even though the sun was shining. For him, however, it felt like it was a damn July. And he couldn’t even sweat properly. Or maybe he was just fooling himself on that one.

Either way, he wished he’d had his sunglasses. They wouldn’t help him with the heat, but they might’ve with his blinded vision. Due to that, he’d already managed to bump into a few people and it was getting on his nerves. But there was nothing he could do. Or at least he had no idea what could’ve been done. So he went home, praying to whoever was willing to listen.

 

* * *

 

The hallucinations never stopped. Camille was appearing more and more as the time was running. And each time she did that, it took Simon minutes to stop trembling completely. She had her fangs out, sometimes even blood was dripping from her mouth the way it had been when Simon had looked into the mirror. Sometimes she was whispering things to his ear which would send a cold wave through his spine. The other times, she would just touch him and hold him tight. And he could feel it all. What kind of a hallucination could even accomplish that?

He tried calling Clary as he was lying on his bed and sweating enormously. He’d been disgusted by himself before but never in this consistency.

And as if it wasn’t already bad enough, Clary wasn’t picking up. Her voicemail was the only companion he had. Besides Camille of course. Clary didn’t care. No one did. And those who did Simon had pushed away even though he was pretty sure that deep inside, they cared only in general. They didn’t care as his family would.

But no matter how much he desired to tell his mom and sister the truth, he couldn’t let them in. Not on that. They were the last people who saw him as a normal person and although he was feeling less normal by minutes, he didn’t want them to see it.

Those thoughts kept ambushing him until the sun started to slowly disappear. His problems hadn’t ceased to exist much to his despair. Although he was home alone and no noise was bothering him, he still felt hungry and weak. He could still see, hear and feel Camille. He tried sleeping, eating, but everything went to waste. Nothing was working.

His desperation exacerbated so much that he really considered going back to the Shadowhunters and telling about his problems either Alec or Izzy. Hell, he was so desperate that he considered telling even that Jace-guy about it and that was beyond pathetic. For real, he hated that guy. But the fact Clary wasn’t picking up at all must’ve meant she was doing something important with them. Anything to save her mother. And here Simon was, whining about his problems when Clary was having it much worse. Why did he have to be so selfish all the time? Why wasn’t he helping her?

Because last time he tried to help he’d gotten kidnapped which had started all this mess in a first place. Now he was the definition of that mess. And he doubted it could get even worse.

Then he remembered the last words Clary had said to him that day and his whole world started crumbling again. Because of course, she’d had to try to stop him from leaving too. And just like Izzy and Alec, she failed.

_I think these are my people._ He truly hated her for saying that to him. And it wasn’t about his feelings anymore. Being best friends since he could remember now seemed like nothing because he wasn’t enough for Clary when in fact she was far more than enough for him.

Yet nothing could trump how much he hated himself for having these constant wars inside his mind. Maybe telling her the truth would put an end to them finally. Maybe that was what he should've done a long time ago. So he would hear her saying no to his face. He would get his heart shattered into million pieces, but at least there would be no way of fixing it. Only that could convince him completely to let his naive hopes down.

He could go on and on with thoughts like these because weirdly enough, it was better to think about this than focus on how sick he actually felt. But then he could hear the entrance door being slammed. It was probably just his mom or so he thought. But then a completely different person knocked on his door and entered. Maureen.

"Simon, thank God you're here."

"Oh, hey," Simon groggily replied, put his glasses on and sat up.

"Where were you?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." The realization struck him too late and that was only one of the many times he desired nothing more than to slap himself that day. And here he'd thought his babbling couldn't get any worse. But words couldn't explain how much he hated the fact that the opposite was true. "What's wrong?"

"We were supposed to have rehearsal last night and you never showed, and I was calling and texting, you didn't answer. And then your mom said you were going out, so I didn't know I was supposed-"

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," Simon cut her off because his headache even exacerbated. Now it was like a bomb waiting to explode. And no one deserved to witness that even though Simon was sure someone was going to. "I'm sorry, Maureen. I just, uh... I got caught up with school stuff."

School stuff. He really couldn't have come up with a better excuse. When even talking was getting hard, thinking clearly was starting to be nearly impossible.

It was at that time, however, that Maureen started acting weird. "Yeah, no, that... that's cool. I totally get it. You're swamped."

It didn't go unnoticed how much she was suddenly stammering and she wasn't even looking at him. Her gaze was fleeting from one side to another, but it never stayed in one place for long. How he could pay attention to that was beyond him, but it made him feel even weirder if that was possible at all by now. And that was the last thing he wanted right at that moment.

"Just say it."

"I had this all rehearsed-" Maureen started, but couldn't finish because Simon's mom suddenly entered the room. And Simon had never wished more he could simply disappear without either of them noticing. As soon as his mom opened her mouth, the whole situation got only worse much to his despair. Part of him wanted to do nothing more than just to send them away. Anything to make his head cool down a little bit. And it was killing him. Because these were the people who honestly cared and all he craved was just to be alone. What an unthankful prick he was.

"I don't know what you and Clary were doing all night, but I do know that between the two of you at least one of you has got to have a phone," he heard his mom say, but his attention wasn't as still as he would want it to be. It was flickering which was why he refused to focus on Maureen after that. Little did he know he was screwed thanks to his mom.

But then his mom left them alone and all soon became crystal clear.

"So, wait, you were with Clary all night?"

"Maureen, I'm sorry." How many times was he going to say that today? It was starting to be irritating even for him.

"Because you just said that you were swamped with work. And if you guys are dating, then just say so."

That right there was another blow to his heart. Yet Maureen had no idea how much pain she'd caused with that one simple question. He couldn't blame her though. Only he himself was to blame for that.

"No, no, no, we're... we're...," he stammered and sighed. Seriously why was the world refusing to leave him alone for at least a moment? And yet the most frustrating thing about it was merely the truth he had to say aloud. It once again wasn't just his head that was hurting, unfortunately.

"We're not... we're not dating." Never in his life had it felt more impossible to speak, but he still did it. How he didn't dare to guess.

"Oh, you're not?"

Simon fought a strong urge not to snap right there. A few tears started grouping behind his eyelashes, but there was no way he would let them out. He couldn't lose it now. No matter how much it hurt.

"Well, good, then... because I'd like to," Maureen confessed sheepishly and cleared her throat. She still wasn't ready to look into his eyes. After that, Simon could really put two and two together. But after everything that had happened that day, he just refused to believe this was happening for real.

"You'd like to what?" This was also one of those cases he'd deserved nothing more than just a slap in his face. _Well done, Simon,_ he thought to himself.

"I'd like to date you."

Now it was his turn to be totally stunned. And although his inner voice kept telling him this was all crap, there was no reason to give into these words. Maureen must've meant it for real. Who would even want to joke about something like that? About loving... him of all people?

So maybe someone could indeed like him that way. Although he had no idea what even was there to like, he didn't dare to confront her about it. He'd just pictured how it would hurt and the results were instant. He knew he was going to hurt her. He could at least try to shrink the inevitable damage.

And yet he couldn't find it within him to say something. Anything. He just stood there silently, which was one of the worst answers itself. This was how he came from getting his heart broken to breaking someone else's heart. How he'd managed to stoop so low in such a short time was probably something he would never figure out.

"Oh, my God, I don't know why it is so hard for me to talk to you," Maureen stammered again and started fidgeting. As she lifted her arms and then let them down again, she failed to notice how close she was to Simon's desk. Thanks to that a picture fell on the ground and shattered.

"I'm sorry. I'm really-"

"It's okay," Simon cut her off again. He just wanted her to go for both their sakes because there wasn't anything he was capable of saying that would make it easier to bear. He knew that far too well.

But Maureen wouldn't stop and that had severe consequences. "Let me just... Ow! Damn it!"

And Simon wanted to take care of the mess, but suddenly, he couldn't move. Until that point, only the noise of other's arteries had been bothering him. Now there was something else. This weird scent which he could not exactly put a finger on. But it was there and he was completely spellbound by it.

"I'm bleeding. Do you have a...," Maureen tried but Simon was no longer paying any attention to her. He kept his gaze still on the damaged picture with drops of blood covering it. And no matter how much he tried, he couldn't stop staring, he couldn't escape his trance and he definitely couldn't stop enjoying that scent, whatever that meant.

Maureen had no idea what was happening. "Simon, are you even listening to me?" But the answer was apparent and although it was hurtful, she knew where they stood now. There was no point living in denial. So she left, not even daring to hope Simon noticed that.

And Simon really hadn’t noticed that. But he couldn’t be blamed for that so easily. If Clary had marched inside, he probably wouldn’t have found the strength to come back to the reality either. He wished he could say that to Maureen so she would understand what a shitshow it had been for him and still was. But he couldn’t tell anyone about it and that was killing him.

Then he suddenly found the strength to move again, but the blood still had a hold of him, which was why he couldn’t resist licking it off of his finger right afterward. It was just a drop of blood, but it was more than enough to throw him off the edge even more. Because it made him realize two things. One, he wasn’t disgusted by it and second, he instantly craved more. Both those realizations sent a shiver through his spine, the most uncomfortable kind there ever was. If he’d been scared before, he was freaking terrified now and also horrified by what he’d just done. But he could no longer deny what was so obvious. Clues were too real much to his dismay.

Then she appeared again with that wicked smile of hers. He pressed his eyes shut, but it did little to help. He could still hear her which made his legs so weak he almost lost balance and fell. His heart was pounding loudly. His breathing cycles kept getting more erratic with each second. And as if it wasn’t already enough, his inner voice was torturing him even more, reminding him that this was normal. But it wasn’t. And no matter how hard Simon tried, he couldn’t make it normal. He couldn’t make it quiet in his head anymore.

But maybe there was someone who could. The idea suddenly popped up in his head and although he regretted ever considering this right after, it was probably his only choice. He might die in the process, but he desperately needed to understand. He desperately needed to know whether there really wasn’t anything to do anymore.

So he took a deep breath and dialed Clary’s number for the nth time probably. She didn’t pick up which wasn’t surprising, but this time, Simon decided to leave a message.

"Hey, it's me. I just... I want to flat-out say I'm sorry. I feel like crap for leaving you with Jace and those guys. I don't know. Ever since we ditched those vampires, I've been feeling like a crap a lot lately. It's... these waves... they hit me and I can't think straight. And the noise, don't even get me started on the noise. You probably think I'm crazy and honestly, I'm starting to believe that too. But... I don't know, it's probably just the flu. Anyway... Clary, you... You're the last person I'd ever want to leave in this world. I'm so so sorry. Call me back. Let me know you're okay. Bye."

When that was done, he stormed out of his room, did his best to eat at least something from the dinner his mom had made without much of a success and then he apologized and left with promises he would be home soon.

 

* * *

 

Alec did his best to focus solemnly on the mission as always, but since that girl had appeared he hadn't been having it easy. Her mere presence was enough to become a problem for him. Needless to say, his irritancy would escalate quickly every time she dared to open her mouth.

Alec understood she was tied to all this pretty firmly. He couldn't deny that no matter how much he wished he could. What he loathed was how quickly she'd attached to them like a damn glue. And now she was calling Izzy “Iz” like it was the most natural thing in this world when it clearly wasn't. Her constant bugging made it for him pretty clear too and then there were those stares aimed at Jace whenever she thought no one was looking. Frankly enough, he'd caught her staring so many times already that he'd lost count. But guess what, it hadn't gotten any easier.

And this was not his jealousy speaking. Alec at least had a reason for his staring. He couldn't exactly pinpoint to the time he'd first realize he'd had these feelings, but its roots were far deep and strong and Alec hated himself for it. That mandarin barely knew him.

And besides, he was staring only when it was secure enough. He was being much more subtle about it than her. Izzy would definitely argue on that, but the truth was Jace didn’t know about it and that was the most important thing anyway. He knew about Clary’s staring. He would’ve had to be blind if he hadn’t known. And the most frustrating thing about it was how Jace was enjoying it. Alec might not be the best judge of character when it came to people’s thoughts and emotions, but this was impossible to ignore even for him, which was a real torture.

So yeah, definitely no jealousy there.

But he still wanted her gone, more than anything in fact. Why Jace and Izzy tolerated her was beyond him and that was pissing him off even more. Because Izzy didn't want him to bottle things up, but when he finally expressed his opinion about this girl, he was considered to be the bad guy. Especially when it came to Jace. And no matter how hard he tried he couldn't understand why.

All those thoughts were making it harder for him to concentrate, but his chances of survival were still higher than the ones of that girl. She had no training and most of her attention was aimed at Jace anyway so it was only matter of time before something bad would happen to her. Was it really wrong that part of him wished that would happen? Probably, but he couldn’t help it. Every time her orange hair appeared in his sight, his patience became fragile and the annoyance got stronger.

But then it got even worse because he had to do the parabatai tracking with Jace. He loved doing that just as much as he hated it. And as they were standing there, tracking, holding each other’s hands and looking right into the other one’s eyes, Alec’s heart was making this even more excruciating.

When they did parabatai things like this, he often felt like they were just one person instead of two. He didn’t even dare to hope Jace felt the same because honestly, it was terrifying him even more. Could he feel how fast his heart was pounding? Could he name what exactly was going through his mind? Alec desperately hoped not. It was the only thing he could do anyway. Ignoring how he felt had proved to be impossible somewhere along the way.

His mind was fed up and there wasn’t space for any more thoughts. Or at least that’s what he thought, but then they followed Magnus’ track and everything changed when the two of them terminated a Circle member together.

“Well done,” he said coldly although he really meant it.

“More like medium-rare,” Magnus replied and then turned around to face him. And this was the moment when something clicked and everything changed.

“I'm Magnus. I don’t think we’ve been formally introduced.”

“Alec,” Alec replied right away and probably cast the most embarrassing smile on his face possible.

But Magnus didn’t seem to mind that at all. He formed a smile of his own and Alec really couldn’t believe his eyes. Yet it was clear this was no dream, there was also no one else in the room so yeah, that smile definitely belonged to him. And although he had no idea why the High Warlock of Brooklyn was dedicating that to him, he was far too spellbound to try to figure that out. So much, in fact, that he forgot how to speak for a flash of seconds.

“Oh, uh... We should really... You know, probably get..."

“Right, we should join the party,” Magnus agreed right away and motioned for Alec to lead.

And Alec did just that. And if he managed to stumble, he desperately hoped Magnus didn't notice that.

 

* * *

 

When Simon made his way there it was already dark. He couldn’t say he was thrilled by that because if things went south and he had to run, he would probably end up getting caught again. But he couldn’t wait anymore. His condition was getting even worse and it was only matter of time before he would lose it completely. But repeating this multiple times in his head still didn’t make him feel better. He was standing in front of the vampire’s lair like a statue, totally still and refusing to move forward. But he could still move backward for what it was worth. And he almost did that when someone suddenly broke him out of his trance.

“Excuse me, are you insane or just an idiot?”

Exactly who he wanted to see. “I don’t know at this point. Probably both.”

Raphael glared at him in the worst way possible and made a quick step forward. Simon started trembling right away and raised his hands in surrender.

“Before you clutch me with your fangs, just please hear me out. I need your help.”

“You should be happy you’re even alive so why do you test your luck by coming back here?”

“Believe me, I wouldn’t have come here if it hadn’t been urgent. After how Camille hypnotized me, being in a presence of a vampire is the last thing I want.”

“What if I’m keeping you in the same trance as she was right now? Do you still think that running away is not the only way how to keep your head intact?”

“Then you must be doing it pretty subtly because I don’t feel the constant need to kiss you,” Simon blurted out and realized his mistake too late. He was really lucky it was dark. The red shade on his cheeks was undeniable.

“And I definitely didn’t mean to say that aloud!”

Raphael’s death glare morphed into an unimpressed stare. “Your point being? Because you can't seriously think I'm interested in saving your worthless life again."

"Honestly, no. I don't think that. In my defense, though, it's pretty hard to think straight after yesterday."

Raphael cocked his head at that, but before he could reply something else got his attention. He heard some movement.

"Shut up for a second," he silently commanded and waited.

But Simon was right. His mind was incapable of thinking straight at this point. "What do you mean 'shut up'? What's going on?"

Raphael sighed but refused to risk it. He grabbed Simon and sped them out of the Hotel Dumort's territory. Just a couple of blocks was enough. He pressed the mundane against the wall of a building and held his hand over the man's mouth because apparently there was no other way how to make him keep him quiet.

And for what it was worth, Simon got the message immediately after that and didn't struggle at all. His heart was pounding. The term personal space no longer held any meaning although he desperately wished it had. Raphael was just too close to his liking. Only when he noticed a few people running towards the hotel, he understood it fully. For some reason, it was no trouble to guess they were vampires and they'd also probably have no problems with either bringing him to Camille or killing him on sight. Thanks to Raphael, however, neither of those outcomes came true.

When those vampires disappeared into the night and Raphael could no longer hear them, he let go of Simon and took a few steps backward.

Simon needed a few seconds to fully catch his breath because of course, he'd forgotten how to breathe properly while Raphael had been clutching him. And as a vampire with enhanced senses, he must've noticed that right away much to Simon's dismay. So much for trying to think straight.

"Thank you for saving my worthless life... again," he remarked and cleared his throat because the awkward silence surrounding them proved to be impossible to bear.

Raphael glared at him again with mere irritancy radiating from his eyes. "Amusing, really. Now I suggest you get out of here and don't come back before I change my mind."

Yet Simon didn't move at all. He stood still, his legs were no longer shaking. And although it was probably the boldest thing he'd ever done, he didn't back down. "I don't actually think you will. You keep saying that you can easily kill me without any trouble and I don't doubt it. You're a vampire after all. But there is a difference between being capable of something and actually doing it. You've had multiple opportunities to kill me already and even more reasons so... why didn't you?"

Raphael was truly stunned by that question and he would lie if he claimed otherwise. His gaze softened if ever so slightly as he kept repeating it in his mind. But the answer never managed to reach him. Or even if it did, it wasn't something he was ready to openly admit. Not yet and definitely not to this mundane.

Even in dark, Simon could still clearly see how much Raphael struggled with giving him an answer to his question. For what it was worth, he didn't seek that answer so much. He could come up with some reasons for Raphael's actions on his own anyway. They definitely wouldn't be true, but they'd still be better than nothing. However, that day, he needed help with something else.

"Okay, just forget I asked. It's not why I came here anyway."

Raphael finally looked at him again with the same contempt as before. As if nothing changed. "Enlighten me, then."

Simon definitely sensed a subtle sarcasm in that reply, but honestly, he could no longer give a damn. His state was not getting better after all. "I have these strange waves... and I can hear other people's heartbeats and how the blood is pumping through their veins. At first, it wasn't so loud but it's quickly starting to be impossible to bear. And today, I tasted one of my friend's blood when she got hurt. And guess what? I believed it was okay for at least solid ten seconds."

Simon suddenly stopped talking and took a deep breath. With each spoken word, he felt even crazier than before. And unfortunately for him, it seemed like craziness had no limits.

"And then there are those hallucinations of Camille and I-" Simon's voice suddenly broke as he ran a hand through his hair. "I don't know what to do."

Then after a few more seconds of silence, he managed to ask the most terrifying question there ever was. "Am I becoming..."

"No, you're not," Raphael reassured him right away.

The relief that sprayed over Simon was measureless. It was like a huge stone had fallen off his shoulders. "Thank God."

"For as long as you don't die while Camille's blood is in your system, you won't become a vampire. But if I were you, I'd be careful because these hallucinations, the noise, the need for blood, they all will get worse sooner or later. Right to the point when you'll wish you could die."

And here he thought this day couldn't get any worse. Why he had to be proven wrong so many times that day was beyond him, but one thing was for sure - he was already starting to get sick of it.

"You're kidding, right? You can't possibly mean that."

"You came here asking for my help so here it goes - do your best to stay out of trouble and also don't die. I suggest you start by leaving this place and never coming back. Was that simple enough for you?"

Simon gulped and eventually nodded. There was no point in asking more questions. It was clear he wouldn't like the details anyway and it wasn't like Raphael would tell him more even if he asked nicely. Soon this all would be over. He knew it would. It had to be.

"Go. Now," Raphael repeated and this time Simon obeyed and finally walked away from the vampire. During his journey home, he kept repeating Raphael's words like a prayer. Stay out of trouble. Don't die. What a nice change for a guy who had threatened to kill him just mere seconds ago. Simon could still hardly believe this was all happening, but he didn't dare to doubt anymore. Even he wasn't that bold.

And he hadn't stopped thinking about it even when he'd come home. Staying out of trouble and not dying anytime soon? How hard could that be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to leave a comment if you can :) they encourage me to write more.


	4. You like it, don't you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He ended the call and turned in the right direction. To his surprise, however, he was no longer alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, it's been a while. Sorry to make you wait, but it's just that writing has gotten harder for me for some reason and not just this story but like everything. I don't know why. Then I had to go on a vacation to Italy and then I've been feeling off these few days. It's still not completely okay, but I did my best to finally give you at least something although I'm not entirely satisfied with this chapter. But I hope you'll like it anyway and if not, I'll try harder next time, I promise. But thanks for understanding and please enjoy :).

Raphael returned to Hotel Dumort right after. Yet before he could make it to his own place, his enhanced senses registered someone following him. He would recognize that irritating perfume anywhere.

“I assume you saw everything,” he concluded and turned slowly around.

Camille didn’t give him any reply and just cocked her head slightly to one side. The smug smile playing on her lips was enough of an answer.

“How’s your boyfriend?”

Raphael fought a strong urge not to roll his eyes. But he wasn’t here to be the target of her insults even though it was annoying him beyond imagination.

“Oh, I have a better question. Did you plan on telling me you’d given him your blood at all?”

“That’s none of your concern.”

Raphael scoffed. This was unbelievable. “And if he dies, then it’ll be my concern?”

“Don’t tell me you care about him so much.”

“I don’t. But I do care about the clan. If that mundane dies, the Clave will not leave you alone for violating the accords.”

“You’re acting like this is the first time I’ve done this.”

“And you’re acting like the fact you’re immortal also makes you invincible. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way and we need you here.” This wasn't the first time Raphael had to remind her that and every time he did that, his annoyance only exacerbated. Yet he would never openly confess to it. And that was the most frustrating thing about it all.

“And besides, he’s innocent.”

Camille’s eyes snapped back to him and a sly smile formed on her face. Raphael was an open book to her. So easy to read. And she was enjoying it greatly.

“Aw, look at you, Raphael. Your concern might always be justified, which makes you perfect for the role of my right hand, but there is still one tiny thing inside you that makes it impossible for you to become something more.”

“And what might that be?”

“Humanity. It’s the reason why you didn’t kill him when you were supposed to and you rather helped him escape.”

Raphael took a deep breath but refused to lower his head in shame. He would never give Camille that satisfaction. Even though he’d disobeyed her orders and he deserved to be punished for that, he still didn’t regret anything. And he definitely didn’t regret keeping at least a slight part of his humanity intact.

“I can’t say I’m surprised. You still have something to love, something you care about. For as long as you have it, your humanity will never completely disappear. But one day she is going to die too like the rest of your family did and there won’t be anything you can do to stop it. And when that happens, Magnus might not be enough for you.”

Raphael’s breathing intensified, the rage heightened too. He knew very well she was just trying to provoke him, but that didn’t change the truth coming from her mouth. He was aware of that far too well because there hardly went a day by when he wouldn’t think of this and every time it was killing him. For an immortal creature, he felt like he was dying too often.

“Then it will be only a matter of time before you lose your humanity completely. Do you know what is a vampire without anything to love and without anyone to love them back?”

“You?” Raphael deadpanned.

Camille dedicated him an unimpressed stare. “A monster.”

And Raphael stayed quiet after that. Camille might’ve been many things, but he couldn’t deny the truth coming out of her mouth no matter how much he wished he could. After everything he’d witnessed and done on his own, it had been really hard to keep his humanity intact even if it was only small. But with Magnus and his sister, all his burdens seemed easier to bear. What he would do without either of them was a question he couldn’t answer and honestly, it was terrifying him.

And he hated Camille for pointing it out. It was her form of punishment and although Raphael’s mind was far from being fine, he was more than thankful her punishments weren’t more severe. Who cared about his feelings anyway? The important thing was that neither Magnus or his sister were going to pay for his disobedience. That was something he would never be capable of living with.

“When it comes to your mundane, you have a choice. If you don’t want me to finish the job you were supposed to do in a first place, then keep him out of here.”

“You and I both know how hard it is to resist in the end.”

“Then hope he will resist,” Camille concluded and walked out of the room, leaving Raphael completely alone. As he ran a hand through his hair, it dawned on him how miserable he actually felt. This definitely wasn’t the first time Camille played with fire. Due to that many people had been changed against their own will and Simon might be one of them too if he failed to resist. Raphael honestly hoped it wouldn’t have to come to that because he knew exactly how much it was going to hurt. No one deserved that kind of pain.

 

* * *

 

When Simon woke up, he felt even more tired than before he'd gone to sleep. Night full of nightmares had made sure of that. The world was slightly spinning as he tried to get up. And when he finally did, he headed right for the bathroom. His eyes instantly flew over to the mirror. He looked terrible. Felt like it too. But at least there was no Camille in sight... yet.

He sighed as this realization dawned on him because he knew she was coming sooner or later. Raphael had assured him she would. And although a part of him hated the vampire for that, there wasn't anything he could do to change it. He could only do his best to survive it and to resist like Raphael had advised him to.

But that was easier said than done and the more he thought about it, the less he believed he could actually make it.

Then he took a deep breath and tried so hard to live in this moment. To enjoy the silence. Because no noise was bothering him either and although it had been merely two days, it was enough to become a bother. A magnificent one in fact. And now it was silent, which was a true clarity for him.

Yet the memories stayed to haunt him for as long as he would let them. He knew he desperately needed to focus on something else. Anything, honestly. He was that desperate.

So he did his best to fix how he looked, then put some clothes on and went outside. Without even eating anything. He already felt sick enough as he was. And although he was very well aware the silence was going to disappear as soon as he would walk out of his home, it was a risk he was willing to take. The hallucinations would get to him either way in the end and the way he saw it, he would go nuts much quicker if he stayed locked in his room alone.

As he was walking down the street, trying to ignore other people's arteries as much as possible, he remembered his call to Clary he'd made the day before. So he checked his phone and found out he had no message from her. That was just typical. Should he really be surprised or disappointed when a part of him had predicted this would happen? And yet not even an inch of him wanted to blame or hate her for it. He could only hate himself more, which seemed easier with each day.

But that still didn't stop him from calling her again.

"Simon. Hey. I know I should have called you right back. I'm really sorry. Are you okay?"

He fought a strong urge not to scoff at that. Because it was pissing him off that she really should've called back and hadn't, but at the same time it was killing him how far he was from being okay. And how he couldn't tell her about it.

"You know that thing when you think you're catching a cold, but you never actually get sick?"

"Yeah, I totally get it. Um, can we talk later? Things are kind of insane right now."

The word insane, however, was reaching new levels for Simon with each freaking minute. "Insane how? Are you okay?"

"I... I kind of killed a demon and lost all my memories forever. So..."

Simon would lie if he'd claimed this statement didn't startle him at all. "You killed a what? You've gotta be kidding me." He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Okay, Clary, where are you?"

"I'm at the Brooklyn Academy. I'm on my way to-"

"Hang up," another voice came to the surface and Simon immediately deciphered it was Alec's. At the very least, it explained why he could hear two people breathing on the phone instead of one. And no, he was not going to delve on that for even a second.

"That's it, we have to go. Right now," Alec ordered and Simon frowned. There were really times he wished he could just punch that guy. But that was in no hell going to happen.

And yet, Clary refused to listen to him. "No. I'm on my way to the loft. There's something there that I think could help me find my mother."

This was another moment his heart froze for a split of seconds. "Are you crazy? That's way too dangerous. You think nobody's watching that place?"

"I'm fine. I'm with Alec," Clary remarked and Simon couldn't help but roll his eyes at that. But at the same time, he was grateful that she was with Alec and not with Jace. Although he would never confess to it.

"And those words are supposed to make me feel better how?" he pointed out even though there was a chance the Shadowhunter could hear all that. Simon honestly didn't care at this point. Not when Clary's life was at stake. "Yeah, I'm coming to help."

"No, Simon, you've been through enough already."

_You have no idea_ , Simon complained inwardly, but put that thought to the back of his head. "So have you. Meet me at the old shortcut. You know the one." He ended the call and turned in the right direction. To his surprise, however, he was no longer alone.

"How cute," Camille suddenly startled him and caused him to flinch. He'd completely forgotten about her. The shock was so enormous his heart managed to skip a beat.

Multiple pairs of eyes instantly targeted him, confused. _So much for being discreet_. And although there was a minimal chance someone would even remember his sudden outburst, because this was Brooklyn after all, he wasn't willing to take that risk and so he went to the first alley he found. And it did put his mind at slight ease even though Camille was still right there with him.

"I guess it's too much to ask to you to stop doing that," he whined as quietly as possible.

"Maybe if you asked really nicely," Camille smirked and took a few steps forward.

Simon immediately backed away, but even as a hallucination, Camille was always at least one step ahead.

"You know," she claimed as she appeared right behind his back with a mocking smile, completely startling the brunet once again, "if I were you, I'd be more worried about things that can actually hurt me. I'm just a hallucination, I won't be here forever. Unlike your friend."

Simon's eyes narrowed. "You mean Clary? She would never hurt me."

Camille cocked her head to one side, amused. "So it's not bothering you that she prefers working with those Shadowhunters over you? Even though you've been friends since you can remember? Or doesn't it bother you how she looks at Jace every time she thinks he isn't paying attention?"

Simon opened his mouth to say something, but no words managed to come out. So he tried to think of any, and yet he remained speechless.

And Camille chuckled at that, in the most mischievous way there ever was. "She might not know about your feelings, but she's hurting you. Even though it's not on purpose, the damage is still there."

"What do you know about that?"

"I'm in your head, darling. I only know what you know."

Simon gulped and nervously rubbed the back of his head. But deep inside he knew she was right. It all made perfect sense and he hated it. Because Camille was just a hallucination. She wasn't really there. If she were there, he'd be dead by now. Yet it felt unimaginably real and Simon was losing his mind because of it.

"Don't call me that," he blurted out so barely above the whisper it seemed more like a plea than command and that's exactly how Camille took it. She once again reappeared right behind him and quickly clutched both of her hands around Simon's chest. And he felt it all. Her grip was so tight, he felt like he couldn't breathe. Although he desperately tried to convince himself this wasn't real, he couldn't move. He was completely paralyzed as the memories from the day before and from his nightmares were ambushing him on all fronts. His heart was beating so loudly his brain couldn't function anymore. And Simon didn't have any strength to really try anything after that.

"There's a way to help her," she whispered softly into his ear. "But she's a Shadowhunter and you're a mundane. You don't have anything to offer. There's absolutely nothing special about you. You're just her weakness, unable to protect yourself and always in need of saving. You're more of a burden than an advantage. But you can change that."

And Simon was really losing it. There was no other explanation for it. "How?"

"You saw what I and Raphael could do. And the chance to able to do that is right in front of you." She loosened her grip slightly and moved to be in front of him instead. Her eyes instantly locked with Simon's. "Take it."

Simon lowered his head. He couldn't face her. Even though she wasn't really there, he was still afraid that he would keep looking into her eyes and with time, he would start to believe all her words. Some of them he already did believe. So if somewhere deep down, he really did feel useless, it was only a matter of time before he'd come to realize that maybe there wasn't any other way how to solve this huge mess. And becoming a vampire suddenly didn't seem as such a terrible thing. Just like that.

However, then he remembered how much suffering it had already caused. Simon was truly starting to be disgusted with himself. And right now it wasn't just about the need to drink blood, it was about how easily his mind was changing and how something unimaginable suddenly didn't seem to be so much out of the question.

But then again, Raphael had warned him something like this would happen. And Simon had promised to himself he would never give in. He wasn't willing to jeopardize that promise so easily.

Clary had told him where she was after all regardless of how much Alec wanted her not to. And that had to count for something, right? And even if not, after everything he'd witnessed, there really wasn't anything so attractive at being a vampire. Everyone who said otherwise could go to hell for all he cared. He liked his mortal life.

That's what he told Camille right after he finally managed to slip through her grasp. It didn't set her off at all, but then again Simon wasn't sure what would at this point. He was just very glad she disappeared right after that. She was definitely coming back. He knew that very well. But for now, she was gone. And the silence returned.

 

* * *

 

Through all that Simon managed to come to the rendezvous on time. To some degree, he really felt better. The sky was full of clouds and although the sun was still shining, it wasn't as unbearable as it had been the day before. No noise was bothering him. He was completely alone. He might enjoy the solitude more than was actually normal for him, but that was honestly the last thing which could surprise him these days. He was a complete freakshow after all.

But then he saw her and for a split of seconds, he managed to cast a smile onto his face like it was that easy. Like everything was okay even though it couldn't possibly be farther from that. When she hugged him without any hesitation, he wished with all within him that he could somehow stop the time or at least slow it down so he would enjoy this moment for a little longer. Without Camille, without his thirst for blood, without any kind of danger that was breathing on their necks everywhere they went.

"Hey, you. Thanks for being here."

Simon sighed but held on to her tightly. He was here for her. Wherever, whenever. "You don't need to do this alone."Then they let go of one another and the moment was gone. Just like that. But he didn't dare to let it be shown how much it bothered him.

"Are you sure you're feeling up to this?"

"Yeah, it's just a cold. Not the end of the world," Simon claimed as convincingly as possible. Weirdly enough, it was quite humbling how easy lying was starting to get. Even to her.

"The world's been ending for a thousand years," Alec interjected coldly, "You get used to it. Now, we need to move."

“Yeah, my mom’s loft is just across the alley.”

“All right, well, we have to be careful. There are eyes all over the place and everybody in the Shadow’s World is looking for you.”

“I mean, I guarantee you, no one’s going to find this shortcut,” Simon pointed out. “I used to take it back in the middle school to see Clary. You might know the Shadow World, but trust me... I know Brooklyn. Come on.”

After that Clary and Alec could only watch as Simon jumped and swung himself over a hedge like it was the easiest thing for him. While Clary was astonished, Alec found it odd. But they followed him without saying anything.

 

* * *

 

As they were walking, Simon did his best to either stay a few steps behind or a few steps ahead. It wasn’t like Clary or Alec stunk or anything like that. It was just that Camille decided to tease him from time to time and although she was barely saying anything when she appeared, she was still touching him whenever she saw fit. And he flinched every damn time. That really wasn’t flattering enough and if Alec or Clary noticed, they would start asking questions. Considering, Simon had only the answers he didn’t want to give, it was the last thing he wanted right now.

So he just did his best to keep his mind occupied by something else and it was working.

But then Alec suddenly appeared out of nowhere and started walking by his side which left Simon completely bewildered.

“Something wrong?” he asked without looking at the latter. The sound of Alec’s artery was once again resonating through his ears. Concentrating was countless times harder that way and although Simon didn’t want to tell him to stay away or anything like that, because if that wasn’t suspicious, he wasn’t sure what would be, if Alec really wanted to walk with him, then they needed to talk. Simon wouldn’t survive it any other way.

Luckily for him, Alec didn’t mind so much. “Let’s just say that being in your presence seems more bearable to me than being in presence of that orange thing.”

Simon managed to form a slight smile. “I’m going to take that as a compliment.” Then it struck him. “Wait, did you seriously just call her ‘that orange thing’. I guess I should be happy that I’m just ´it´. Although I hate clowns.”

Alec furrowed his eyebrows, confused. Of course, he didn’t get that reference. Not that Simon was surprised whatsoever. He just found the latter's lost expression a little cute. “Just forget it. My point was... wow, you really don’t like her, do you?”

“And you don’t like Jace.”

Simon scoffed. “Fair enough, but I have my reasons.”

“So do I,” Alec claimed and this time Simon’s eyes flew over to him. Even though the dark-haired Shadowhunter was refusing to look back at him, Simon wasn’t blind. And although they barely knew each other, it was crystal clear something was bothering Alec. When Simon saw how much of a trouble it actually was, it occurred to him that their reasons might not differ that much. But he refused to delve into it further. It wasn’t his business.

“You look awful by the way,” Alec pointed out after a moment of silence. “More than yesterday in fact.”

“Still trying to prove to me you care?"

"Still trying to convince me you know how to lie?"

For the first time in a while, Simon truly chuckled. "Nope. Just trying to get rid of you, but failing as always.”

Alec once again didn’t reply. Not that Simon needed him of course. The fact the latter didn’t start avoiding him after that was enough. And Simon no longer even minded the noise. Maybe Alec wasn’t that bad after all.

“But I still don’t get why we’re here,” Simon pointed out and rubbed the back of his head. “I mean when it’s so dangerous to go back to that place, why are you doing this?”

“Wasn’t my choice. Izzy and Jace went on a mission and I got stuck babysitting that orange thing and when I told her she should stay in the Institute, she snuck out.”

Simon couldn’t help but giggle at that.

“What’s so funny?”

“Nothing. Just the fact I told you that the Institute was the last place I could feel safe in and now Clary snuck out on your watch. Sorry to break it to you, Alec, but this doesn’t exactly play into your hands."

Alec slowly closed his eyes in frustration. "Just focus on getting us to that damn loft."

"You don't need to worry about that because we're already here," Simon claimed and quickened his pace. Alec could once again only watch how the brunette took lead. When he jumped onto the ladder like it was nothing special, Alec couldn't help but get even more suspicious. Such a sudden change couldn't be normal.

Apparently, he wasn't the only one who thought something was different about Simon.

"Have you been doing parkour or something?"

Simon didn't react to that. Obviously, it was better that way. "You've gotten a lot better at this," he told Clary when he helped her get on the fire escapes.

"I was just gonna say the same thing about you."

Alec still couldn't believe how it was possible that he was the only one who considered this whole situation with Simon weird. That girl had been his best friend since childhood and this was her reaction. Alec could only scoff silently at that. But he didn't know any better either and that was frustrating him beyond imagination.

Yet he refused to let it compromise him or anyone else. "Climbing a fire escapes excites mundanes. I'll never understand these people."

Clary suddenly stopped walking when she laid her eyes on the loft. There were runes everywhere. "Whoa. I don't remember it like this."

"These are runes and wards of protection cast by a warlock," Alec pointed out.

Clary didn't need to know more. "Dot."

"Some of these have been here for years."

"The only difference is now I can actually see them."

Thanks to Simon, however, that statement wasn't entirely true. "Yo, Clary. What are all these tags?"

Both Alec and Clary got caught off guard by that. "You can see the runes?" Alec asked.

Simon realized his misstep immediately, but it was too late to act dumb now. Was the vampire blood in his system creating even more problems for him? Apparently so. "Yeah, kind of hard to miss."

Alec scoffed at that. "For a Shadowhunter. They should be invisible to most mundanes. When did you get the Sight?"

Simon truthfully couldn't hate himself more than in that very moment. "I don't know. But whoever drew these should take some lessons from Clary. Their work is pretty sloppy."

Definitely not the best way to handle it, but successful none the less. For now.

And thankfully for Simon, Clary changed the subject instantly. "This is from when Simon and I were engaged to be married," she explained as she laid her hand on the drawing of a heart with her and Simon's initials in it on the wall.

Alec furrowed his eyebrows. Did he really look like he was interested in hearing this? And besides, this was in no way relevant. "You were engaged? I'm almost certain I don't wanna hear this story-"

"We were eight years old," Simon interrupted him with a bright smile. Such precious memory was enough for him to forget about his state for a few seconds. In his heart, that kind of love had never faded. It had only blossomed. And he wished more than anything that Clary would feel the same way.

All those smiles she was dedicating him were full of love, but it had never failed to sting at least a little. Because his smiles and hers differed. They always had. And they probably always would.

Clary walked past him and tried to open the door, but with no success. "There's only one flaw in your plan, Simon."

"Here, let me try," Simon said and swiftly opened the door without going red or any sweat.

Alec only stood there, frowning, speechless.

"After you," Simon offered Clary, but his gaze flew over to Alec instead. The suspicion was getting worse, Simon knew that, but fortunately for him, the latter didn't say anything to it. And Simon could relax once more. And maybe tease him a little bit. Just to make it more normal.

"Ooh. After me," he emphasized with a smirk and entered the loft right before Alec.

The sight of the loft didn't get any better after that. "Holy crap, Clary. Who torched your loft?"

Alec dedicated him another suspicious stare and this time Simon felt kind of offended and slightly annoyed. "Yeah, I can see this, too."

Unfortunately, that wasn't the only thing he could see and wasn't supposed to.

"I'm glad to see you're enjoying your new abilities." Camille suddenly appeared and whispered to his ear.

Simon flinched so much that he unintentionally knocked down a vase right next to him. The shattering noise couldn't go unnoticed. "Sorry, my bad! I thought I heard something."

Camille next to him chuckled shamelessly. "You seriously don't believe you're fooling anyone, do you?"

But Simon merely ignored her. He couldn't do anything else because Alec and Clary would definitely hear him and who wanted that?

"We don't have to talk if you don't want to. After all, talking is so overrated," Camille suggested and lifted her hand to touch him.

Simon's instincts, however, were so fragile after all her attempts to harass him like this that he couldn't hold back from jerking away from her abruptly. Of course, that did minimal to help his situation because her sly smile only widened and Alec and Clary's confused glances found their way to him right away. He no longer could use the same excuse as before for obvious reasons and coming up with another proved to be nearly impossible for him.

Then he heard it as he was fidgeting uncontrollably. The floor right under his feet was squeaking. And he was grateful beyond imagination how that slight detail managed to save him.

"These floorboards..," he spoke up as he was shifting his weight from side to side and stepping on multiple spots. "They sound different in these two spots. Can't you hear it?"

Luckily for him, although neither Clary or Alec gave him any answer, the confused glances mixed with slight suspicion slowly vanished and were replaced by wonder. He could exhale once more.

"There's something under here," he claimed with slight excitement as he crouched down and uncovered the small stash. A proud smile formed on his face instantly. "Another score for Brooklyn."

Too bad that Alec erased it so quickly.

"Hey, out of the way," the black-haired Shadowhunter commanded and slightly shoved Simon away. It wasn't like it hurt or anything, but Simon's pride which was already minimal definitely took some damage. Letting it show, however, wouldn't help anything. That much his pathetic brain still knew.

"You're welcome," he murmured, beyond annoyed. And here he thought he was making some progress with Alec. Maybe he really had done some, but it had taken time and patience. It was incredibly discouraging that erasing that progress took mere seconds.

But he didn't fight or anything. He let Alec have it his way because that's what he'd always done. Always the sidekick.

"There's something down here," Alec announced as he started exploring the hidden space. The rest was kind of blurry for Simon because his head suddenly started to whirl so much he almost lost his balance. The number of curses that resonated through his head was difficult to guess. He just hated his state more with each passing second. Everything was getting worse and harder. Suddenly he felt like he couldn't breathe. He desperately needed to get out.

"I'm going to keep watch if that's okay. I need some air."

Fortunately for him, Alec and Clary were too focused on the box Clary was holding to mind him. Under normal circumstances, he would sight at it, but that day he was just glad they didn't question him further.

The second he got into a safe distance, he didn't hesitate to concentrate all his frustrations on Camille. "Okay, that's it. Just stop! Like it isn't enough that you're torturing me all the time, you also have to make me look like a freak in front of people!"

Camille pouted shamelessly. "It's hard to stop when you're making it so easy."

"Just tell me the truth. How much time will it take until those hallucinations, vertigo, the noise and everything stop?"

"Who said that it's ever gonna stop? Raphael? Oh, please, if I were you, I wouldn't believe his words so easily. He might've said that only to get rid of you or just because he didn't want to make you even more miserable as you already are. Either way, take it from me. You either become a vampire or you go mad."

"You can't know that. You're just my hallucination. You know only what I know!"

Camille couldn't help but form a knowing smirk on her face. "Which means that part of you, however small, believes me. And sometimes that's enough. But you shouldn't trouble your head by that, darling. You're already using some of your abilities to your advantage and you like it, don't you?"

Simon crossed his arms. "You-you're wrong."

Camille lifted her eyebrows and chuckled. "Is that so? You should stop pretending you're like Clary and those Shadowhunters, then. You should stop acting like you can do anything."

"I'm not."

"Look around, Simon. Clary has embraced this new life and she's never going to be the same. Nothing is ever going to be same. Shadowhunters are always going to be a huge part of her. You're nothing compared to that."

Simon lowered his head and slowly closed his eyes. The head might've stopped whirling, but the tears grouping in his eyes could trump that any time. And resisting to let them stream down his face proved to be even harder.

"And it doesn't matter how much you're gonna help them, you won't change a single thing. They don't trust you. They never will. They see you as a burden and nothing more. By trying to prove them they're wrong, you'll only make it worse."

"I'm not trying to prove anything! I don't give a damn about what they think!"

"Then why don't you tell them? After all, they would help you." She slowly moved to stand right behind him and whispered into his ear: "But you don't want their help, do you? You want to handle this yourself, but the thing is, trying won't make you stronger. Only more pathetic. Becoming a vampire on the other hand-"

"Says you!" Simon interrupted her abruptly. "But I'm not willing to turn into a monster that feeds on other people's blood!"

Camille sighed and gave him back his personal space, but the smile hadn't vanished. She still had the upper hand and Simon hated her for it.

"That might change with time. If you're really sure that Raphael told you the truth, then remember the longer you prevail, the harder it's going to get. Eventually, you won't be able to recognize what's real and what is merely a hallucination. And I'll be the least of your problems. Clary should watch out."

And before Simon could question her last sentence, she disappeared into the thin air and the silence returned. But he didn't have time to catch a breath. Something shattered and it didn't take long until Alec appeared already armed with his bow and arrows.

"What happened? Where's Clary? Is she okay?" Simon panted.

"Quiet. We're no longer alone. Get behind me and don't try anything."

Simon did as commanded without any objection. And before he knew it rustling and growling sounds found their way to his ears. Something was indeed there, but he couldn't put a finger on it no matter how hard he tried. It was just too fast. But eventually, the creature revealed itself in its full glory and Simon could finally see that it was a wolf, which was only worrisome in Brooklyn considering they were so rare and never so big.

Alec failed to stop him and before he could try again, the wolf ran away. It was only after that when they both noticed two men pushing Clary forcefully into a car. She was fighting back but without any success.

Neither of them hesitated for even a second as they started running as fast as they could toward the car, but it was too late. The car disappeared almost instantly from their sight and Clary with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for no Saphael or Malec moment. Shame on me XD. Better luck next time!


	5. Do the right thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon Lewis is the captain of the Alec Lightwood defense squad. Magnus and Raphael just love teasing each other and Raphael seriously wants to help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! Sorry if this is a boring chapter for you. I know everything is probably moving so slow, but I'm trying to work on that and I promise that Saphael will be more major once I finish the next chapter. More things were supposed to happen in this chapter, but I had to cut it into two parts so it wouldn't be so long. Thanks to everyone who is reading this story because your support means everything to me. Enjoy!

Simon couldn’t believe his own eyes. She was gone. Just like that. He tried believing it wasn’t real because Camille had told him he wouldn’t be able to tell the difference with time, but after seeing Alec he really couldn’t afford to have any doubts.

The dark-haired Shadowhunter only barely held his frustrations back. Although he refused to say anything, his actions spoke louder as he lifted a few things lying around on the floor and threw them wherever he saw fit.

And Simon really couldn’t blame him because he wasn’t doing any better himself. Maybe he would be shouting, smashing, handling the whole situation in even worse measures than Alec was, but the pure shock caused by watching Clary being taken away had scrambled his brain so much he found it impossible to move let alone speak.

Countless thoughts were flitting from one corner of his mind to another, jumbling every precious piece of sanity he had left. But he didn’t dare to dwell on any of them because deep down he knew that would mess up with his brain even more. So as he was teetering between fear and pure anger and self-hatred, he leaned back on the wall and started massaging his temples. It scarcely helped him.

It didn’t take long until Jace and Izzy arrived. Alec had called him immediately after they’d lost Clary and although Simon wasn’t exactly thrilled about it, this wasn’t about him or his feelings. This was about saving Clary and with Jace and Izzy, their chances immediately heightened. That’s honestly all he could ask for.

“Where is she? Where’s Clary?” Jace immediately questioned as he entered the room, directing his words right at Alec like Simon wasn’t even there. But Izzy noticed him right away and while she was shocked at first, the clear relief could be seen on her face right after. And for what it was worth, it made Simon feel a little better. Like he hadn’t screwed up so much. He didn’t even want to imagine what the Shadowhunters would’ve thought of him if he’d gotten kidnapped again. It seemed only ridiculous and ironic that he had Camille to thank for never finding that out.

“She’s gone,” Alec replied. His voice was slightly trembling. He definitely had to be worried about Clary. Quite an accomplishment for someone who had been calling her ‘that orange thing’ merely some minutes ago or so Simon thought.

“What do you mean, gone?” Izzy demanded and for some reason, Simon hated himself for his inability to speak. But the shock was still so unbeatable. He was such a coward. While Clary had done her best to save him from the vampires, he was here completely speechless. There was really no excuse for that. He needed to get it together before it would be too late.

“She got arrested when I was securing the fire escape. I got distracted.”

But this couldn’t go unnoticed by Simon. “Arrested? She didn’t do anything illegal!”

All heads turned to Simon, including Jace’s. “What is the mundane doing here?”

Simon just sighed. Seriously he was right there, just a few feet next to them. Was it really so difficult to stop talking about him like he wasn’t even present and to actually remember his name? He remembered all their names without any difficulty. Why couldn’t they do the same?

“She insisted on him coming too,” Alec cleared out without any hesitation.

“Of course, she did,” Jace scoffed and ran a hand through his hair. “And how is it possible that he didn’t get kidnapped as well?”

“He was outside with me when it happened,” Alec explained and briefly glanced at Simon who couldn’t be more thankful that the Shadowhunter kept the story short. Without any hints on his weird behavior. Whether that was on purpose or not Simon didn’t know, but he was relieved and thankful regardless.

Simon ducked his head instinctively as both Izzy and Jace shot him bewildered expressions. He knew they wanted to know more, just like Alec did, but how could he tell them when there were so many insecurities screaming in his face? Just like Raphael, those Shadowhunters didn’t owe him anything and there was no certainty in what they would do with him if they knew the truth. They could lock him up until he would really go mad or they could just kill him with their glowing swords and daggers, which definitely must have some permanent impact on him.

Vampires were demons and Shadowhunters killed demons. That much Simon had managed to learn during this few days. And although it wasn’t much, it was definitely enough to frighten him to death. Would their weapons work on him the same way he’d witnessed them? Of course, they would. The demon blood was pumping through his veins after all. And if erasing him from this world like that was really for the greater good, no one would stop them. The most devastating thing about it, however, was the fact that part of Simon didn’t even care and probably wouldn’t even protest if it came to that.

So yeah, sometimes all Simon wanted to do was just curl up and cry.

“It was an unmarked car. I don’t know where they took her,” Alec confessed, and Simon could finally relax when Izzy and Jace aimed their attention once again on Alec.

“What did you do, Alec?” Jace furiously questioned and Alec just shamefully broke their eye contact and lowered his head.

Simon furrowed his eyebrows at that. “Excuse me? What did he do? I’ll say he was watching over Clary like he was supposed to even though she snuck out. And when he heard that someone was near, he tried to go out and stop them. That’s what he did.”

“Well he clearly made the wrong move,” Jace sneered and kept glaring at Alec.

Simon had never imagined he would see Alec as ashamed as he was right at that moment. Even though it wasn’t at all as justified as Jace made it look. This simply wasn’t right.

“And would you really do it differently? Because the way I see it, he didn’t have much of a choice. He didn’t even want to come here in a first place. Clary did and he had no choice than to just follow her because you’d left him with her.”

This time, Jace turned toward Simon and made a few steps abruptly forward. “If I were you, I’d keep my mouth shut and just be grateful that I’m alive. Because the way _I_ see it, you’ve been just testing your luck since we met.”

Then he shoved him slightly and marched outside of the loft. Izzy took Clary’s backpack and followed without another word.

Simon’s eyes flew over to Alec to see if he was okay, but the latter refused to look at him. He stormed out of the room before Simon could even open his mouth which left him no choice than just mutter his frustrations under his breath and follow the Shadowhunters.

And if Clary’s life wasn’t at stake, he would find it funny how quickly the roles had reversed. He wasn’t the one who needed saving for once and although it felt amazing at some point, he was trembling in fear. He could only hope that Clary was okay and that they would save her soon.

 

* * *

 

Shadowhunters super-tracking was another thing Simon learned that day. At first, it seemed weird to see Jace gripping one of Clary’s drawings in his hands, but when Isabelle explained it to him… it became even weirder. But it was the best way how to find Clary and that was important. All his insecurities could go to hell for all he cared.

Alec, on the other hand, was doing his best to stay as far away from Simon as possible, which Simon noticed right away. Needless to say, it wasn’t helping his frustrations at all. He had no idea whether he’d done something wrong or whether this was just who Alec was. And there was nothing that could tell him which one was true.

But for now, he decided to let it go and give the latter some space. That was probably what he needed after all.

However, when his gaze returned to Jace, his hopes of finding his best friend soon rapidly vanished.

“Damn it. She’s not showing up,” Jace claimed, frustrated, and aimed his eyes on Alec. “We need to Parabatai track.”

Simon didn’t even need to open his mouth this time because Izzy immediately told him all he craved to know. However, the slightly pitiful look she was dedicating her brother simply couldn’t go unnoticed by him and so Simon followed it and tried so hard to understand.

And he spotted it almost instantly. The way their eyes remained locked…. It differed magnificently. While Jace’s gaze was firm and determined, Alec’s held melancholy and looked like the latter wanted nothing more than to break it finally and let it be over. Like he was scared. Like he was keeping something.

To Simon, this look was more than familiar. It was the same one he was dedicating Clary from the day one. Full of love and yet filled with the belief it will never be returned. By anyone. That combined with Izzy’s pitiful look left him with only one conclusion even though he could hardly believe it.

But then again, when did love ever make sense?

“Alec, concentrate,” Jace prompted and Simon bit his nether lip to prevent himself from taking some action even though every inch of his common sense was pursuing him to do the opposite.

Part of him hoped that Izzy would also be against the idea of pushing Alec so hard, but she remained exactly where she was, talking with someone on the phone, completely ignoring the scene Simon was facing.

And honestly, Simon understood why Jace was like this. Pressing and demanding some results. But that didn’t make it right in Simon’s eyes. Especially when one mere glance was all it took for him to see how much pain this was causing to Alec. Couldn’t they see it when it was so obvious for someone who had known Alec for only a few days and they had known him since they could remember? Where was the logic in it? Where was the compassion?

“Alec!”

“I’m doing it. She’s not showing up.”

Jace was running out of his patience and Simon was getting more terrified with each passing second. Thankfully, Izzy chose this moment to intervene. The timing definitely couldn’t be more perfect.

“Just like I thought. She wasn’t arrested,” she announced and dedicated her brother a judgmental stare and Simon could no more believe his own eyes. Was he really the only one on Alec’s side?

“It was your job to look after her,” Jace snarled.

Apparently so.

“I did my best, Jace,” Alec countered.

“Then maybe your mother was right, and your best just isn’t good enough!”

“Are you so blinded by your feelings for Clary, you’ve lost sight of us?” Alec briefly glanced sideways and took a deep breath to maintain his emotions in bay even though it was getting harder with each second. “Clary snuck out. I went after her… to protect her. I did nothing you haven’t done a thousand times before.

“Yes, you did. You lost her.”

And suddenly at that very moment, the unknown force which had been holding Simon back the whole time completely vanished and left no trace it had ever been there. He couldn’t care less that all those insults weren’t even for him to suffer. Throughout his whole life, he’d witnessed many people being accused of something or criticized for things they couldn’t exactly change. He’d been the target of such accusation and insults himself even more times and a certain kind of anger had been boiling inside him ever since.

Now combined with his fragile state it felt impossible to hold it back.

“Hey, back off!” he shouted and charged at Jace so abruptly and quickly that the blond had no time to react nor retain his balance. He fell on the ground and shot the brunet before him a death glare unlike any other. But it only lasted for a split second before it morphed into a totally perplexed expression.

Simon stood there, completely frozen. He looked at his still stretched out arms, which were trembling in fear, and retracted them as soon as his common sense returned. He glanced at both Izzy and Alec afterward. All three of them were dedicating him puzzled and also scared glances, demanding to know more, but also afraid to ask.

With all the strength left in him, he took a deep breath and did his best to ignore the noise of all three heartbeats resonating through his head. Luckily for him, it worked, but something was telling him that next time he would no longer have enough strength to prevail and he would definitely fail in keeping his promise.

“Enough! Just stop finally. I’m sorry about this, but please hear me out,” Simon firmly demanded with signs of frustration still attached to his voice, but the determination was still more than evident in his posture.

Maybe that was what convinced Jace to stay silent and let him speak in the end.

“I know that you don’t like me, and I don’t like you and I’m perfectly aware that all three of you would be much happier if Clary was here with you instead of me, but the truth is, Jace, you’re not doing anything to get her back. You’re just wasting your time by blaming Alec for things that can’t possibly be only his fault. You weren’t here! I was, and I can vouch for him. He might’ve been tricked, but I seriously don’t believe any of you would do a better job. He did his best. Why can’t you just believe it?”

Simon kept his gaze firm on Jace who was still stunned on the ground. He didn’t dare to look anywhere else because he was scared beyond imagination that if he did, the determination fueling him would disappear and never come back.

He was still trembling as his voice was too. These days, it seems more like a constant state than an unusual one. Even though more than anything he wished he could change it.

After a while of cruel silence, his eyes met the ground. He’d never been good at this. Talking with people he didn’t know, trying to convince them of the truth behind his words. His mom, Rebecca, and Clary had accepted that somewhere along the way and therefore, never expected him to change it. Now it would come incredibly in handy if they had just pushed harder. If he’d just pushed harder. He wouldn’t be stuck like this, so goddamn helpless. It wasn’t because of his frail state he was like this, however.

This came purely from him.

His head remained lowered as the silence endlessly carried on. And then right before he would find the courage to lift it back up, he felt someone squeezing his elbow gently. He didn’t flinch at the contact nor did he rebuff it. He simply stopped shaking for at least a second as his eyes flew over to Izzy, smiling at him encouragingly.

“I believe it,” she firmly concluded and offered him a reassuring smile. “And I agree that we should stop arguing and finally do something to get Clary back.”

Simon did his best to return that smile and nodded in gratitude.

Isabelle retracted her hand and helped Jace to stand up.

After that, all faces suddenly turned to Jace with expectations written everywhere within.

“Fair enough,” he sighed, his voice softened but the slight irritancy could still be easily spotted. But for Simon, it was enough. “But the Parabatai tracking didn’t work. She could be anywhere so how exactly are we supposed to find her?”

“We should focus on what we know,” Simon suggested timidly.

Jace dedicated him an unimpressed stare, but he obeyed anyway. And after a few seconds, something hit him. "Whoever took Clary must be holding her over a body of water. That’s why our Tracking rune won’t work.”

“Okay, but that’s not exactly helpful either. She could still be in plenty of places and we might not have time to search all of them,” Isabelle pointed out.

“Maybe we don’t have to,” Simon murmured loudly enough for everyone to hear him.

Jace furrowed his eyebrows in confusion first. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, I was born in Brooklyn. I know it well enough and not everything can surprise me, but today was the first time when I saw a wolf, let alone such a huge one. And he disappeared right before Clary’s kidnappers did. That can’t be a coincidence. Now it might be stupid, but it occurred to me that if vampires are real, then-“

“Werewolves,” Izzy finished as it dawned on her.

“That’s possible,” Alec nodded.

Simon exhaled loudly. “Oh, thank God, I really thought I was going crazy.”

“I wish it narrowed our options, though,” Jace pointed out.

Simon’s eyes widened in disbelief. “Wait, what? You’re seriously telling me that you’re Shadowhunters, people who hunt demons, and you have no idea where werewolves live in Brooklyn?”

When no one gave him any answer, he scoffed bitterly. “This is unbelievable… and you seriously don’t know anyone who could help?”

Alec’s eyes fluttered open as the crucial realization dawned on him. He knew exactly who could help or at least he hoped and funnily enough he was the only one who could contact him immediately. A bright shade of red took over his chiseled cheeks as he remembered how exactly a certain phone number had managed to be memorized by his cell phone. It was a luck he only now understood he had and could use it to fix the mess that had been made.

“I might know of someone,” he announced sheepishly and ducked his head slightly when everyone glanced at him instantly. Honestly, who would’ve guessed he would call back so soon? Definitely not him which was why a part of him was hesitant to go on with it. He was that nervous and worried that his voice wouldn’t be as stable as he wanted it to be.

But then he glanced at Simon whose look differed so much from the ones Izzy and Jace were dedicating him. Their expressions were expectant while Simon’s seemed to be just reassuring. Of what Alec didn’t dare to guess. So he focused on what he witnessed for sure instead. The way Simon stood up for him even though he clearly didn’t have any reason to. Alec definitely hadn’t been the nicest guy to be around, but that way it just seemed easier. Focusing on the mission seemed easier. He’d known that perfectly ever since there had been moments in his life when he’d done anything but focused on what was really important. His feelings would always get the better of him. The same had almost happened today and Alec was determined not to let his guard down so easily.

Hence his cold behavior towards Simon. However, the brunet had never brought it up or insulted him for it. He’d kept acting like it was okay and like he understood. Alec wasn’t sure whether Simon really understood, but he was grateful the latter refused to dig deeper into it regardless.

And if a mundane could stand up for the person he barely knew to a Shadowhunter, then Alec could easily make a fucking phone call.

 

* * *

 

**Earlier that day**

* * *

 

Magnus really wasn’t sure what he was doing. He just knew that ever since a certain Shadowhunter had managed to enter his life, not everything within him had stayed intact. It wasn’t like he couldn’t get the latter out of his damn mind. However, it was about all those times when Alexander had managed to wander around in his thoughts. And it didn’t really matter whether it had lasted for seconds or minutes. A slight smile would always appear on his lips regardless.

After all these years he didn’t dare to doubt what it really meant, but he wasn’t willing to keep his hopes up either. He was there after all when they had tried to get Clary’s memories back from Valak who had demanded a memory of the person they loved most from each of them in return.

While seeing Jace in Alexander’s memory wasn’t anything unusual, they were Parabatai after all, the vivid horror and denial that was cast onto his face after that memory had appeared gave pretty much everything away. And Magnus was one hundred percent sure that Jace was the only who could stay oblivious to the obvious, which he could only snore upon.

And yet that didn’t stop him from finding out what the latter’s phone number was. Nor did it prevent him from dialing it right afterward. But it did convince him to be more cautious.

And even if nothing more would come of it, he could still gain a friend. Which meant it was definitely worth a try.

_“Hello? Who is this?”_ a voice he remembered far too well came to the surface and broke his train of thought.

Any hesitance was shrugged off immediately. “Alexander. Hi. It’s Magnus. We met the other day. You know, with the demon.”

Alexander, however, didn’t share his relaxed attitude. _“Uh, yeah… Yeah, hey, what’s up?”_

“I was just thinking it was really nice getting to know you. You seem… sympathetic. Would you like to go out for a drink some time?”

Slight silence followed but it was too short for Magnus to start being worried. _“That sounds fun, um… When?”_

Magnus’ eyes lit up at that and he triumphantly smiled. Even after all this time, he would always feel joy and clear relief every time someone took him on his offer. Just as much as he would feel at least a little bit down when someone said no. There were still things time couldn’t change for him, which made him more than happy. “How about right now?”

Unfortunately, he didn’t get to be happy for long. _“You know, now’s not a really good time for me. Another time? Gotta go,”_ Alec stammered and hung up before Magnus could have any say in that.

But it wasn’t like the Warlock took it to his heart so seriously. For him, Alexander’s yes meant much more than his no. Now he couldn’t resist heightening his hopes if just a little bit. And caution be damned.

_Playing hard to get. I love a challenge,_ he inwardly pointed out and let his train of thought prevail for at least a little longer.

“Who was that?” he suddenly heard from behind him.

“I suppose it’s too much for you to sometimes not eavesdrop on me,” he complained and turned around to face the black-haired vampire.

“Oh, believe me, there are times when I wish I didn’t have perfect hearing either, but it’s impossible to ignore it.”

Magnus rolled his eyes. “Still worth a try, especially when you’re spending your days here.”

Raphael silently chuckled. “If you think so.” And Magnus was sure that the latter didn’t take it as a real complaint. It had never been meant to be one in a first place. Because Magnus only adored Raphael’s visits and stays.

Even for a second-in-command among his clan, there were times when Raphael wanted to be anywhere but in the Hotel Dumort. And Magnus’s place was unlike any other because it was the only place Raphael could freely walk in during a day when the sun was shining through its windows. Only one of many perks of being a Warlock. And although the vampire would hardly show his gratitude, Magnus knew him too well and therefore he didn’t need any inch of it. Nor did he need anything in return.

Seeing him from time to time staring on Brooklyn’s lightened streets with a smile on his face was perfectly enough.

“You still didn’t tell me who it was,” Raphael pressured and lifted his eyebrows expectantly.

Magnus took a sip from his drink. “No one of importance.”

Raphael cocked his head to one side and shot him an unimpressed stare.

Magnus sighed, exasperated. “Fine. It was a Shadowhunter I met yesterday. Happy now?”

A triumphant smile even if ever so palpable indeed settled on Raphael’s face and Magnus hated him for it even more than he already had. “Only yesterday? In that case, they must’ve left quite an impression on you.”

Magnus scoffed at his mockery. Those were the exact same words he’d said when Raphael had told him about how his mundane had thrown a knife at him. Why the latter was learning only the bad things from him was beyond his understanding, but after all these years, it seemed impossible to try and change it. And maybe somewhere deep down, Magnus was fully aware that he would never yearn for such a thing.

“It doesn’t matter. Because _he_ has feelings for someone else,” he claimed, doing his best to make it sound cold and unattached which was exactly what he was – unattached. Yet he had no idea whether he managed to fool the latter, so he just sat down on the couch, hoping that Raphael would leave it after that.

But the vampire did no such thing. Without any hesitation, he sat down beside him and let his mocking smile disappear. His entire look softened if ever so slightly. So at least there was that. “But it’s not like that has ever stopped you, is it? And besides, last time I checked having feelings for someone else wasn’t a disease.”

Magnus managed to smile warmly at that comment. “I’m going to remember that. But enough about me. I’m more interested in hearing about your mundane. Will you finally tell me at least their name?”

Raphael scoffed and dedicated the older man a death glare. “First of all, he’s not my mundane and second of all, even if I did tell you his name, you would forget it in a split second.”

Magnus furrowed his eyebrows in an offended manner. “I wouldn’t! Why would you think that?”

“Because I know you,” Raphael reasoned and formed a smug smile afterward. “And unlike you, I can still recall how it took you a while to remember my name as well.”

Magnus opened his mouth to counter those statements but closed it almost immediately as no words managed to reach him. After a few more seconds, his mind realized the truth of Raphael’s words, but he knew better than to let himself be embarrassed by that. Because yeah, he might’ve had difficulties with remembering even Raphael’s name, but the important thing was he had accomplished that in the end. And eventually, he’d accomplished even more. And now Raphael was one of the closest things to his heart. There was no reason for him to be embarrassed by their start when the present was so precious to him.

“That only proves that I’ve never been good with names and there’s no point in hoping it will ever change considering it hasn’t already,” he surrendered.

“I wouldn’t be so grim about it. I imagine you’ve managed to remember the name of _your_ Shadowhunter just fine, which means there’s hope for you yet,” Raphael sneered but got nothing in reply as the Warlock merely shook his head and downed his drink.

But this moment, however nice it might be, faded out far too quickly for Raphael’s liking. All traces of his jocund mood had ceased to exist as he remembered why he’d decided to pay Magnus a visit.

The Warlock noticed the sudden change in Raphael’s behavior instantly and his look softened right afterward. He scowled but only clear concern radiated from his eyes.

Raphael inclined his head. He couldn’t suppress the slight annoyance boring through him. Magnus wasn’t to blame of course. Raphael just hated every time he had to ask his friend for help. He knew that the latter would have nothing against it. Throughout all those years they’d known each other the Warlock had barely ever said no to him. But that was exactly the problem.

As more years kept slipping through his fingers, he couldn’t help but feel even more and more indebted. Magnus had already done for him more than he could ever repay him which was why asking for more felt… wrong.

But then the thought of Simon flickered through his mind and all his insecurities and self-reproach got pushed aside. Because if he did nothing to help, he would hate himself even more for it. And somewhere deep down he could only wonder how much more self-hatred was needed for him to cave in completely.

“I need your help, Magnus,” he finally broke the silence and lifted his head to connect his eyes with the other.

Magnus offered him a reassuring smile in return. “Of course. Anything.”

And so Raphael told him what had happened. What Camille had done. And while Magnus definitely wasn’t surprised by it, he addressed it with the same prominence he had all those times before when Raphael had come with the same request. As a second-in-command fixing Camille’s mess included the better part of his responsibilities.

Both Raphael and Magnus were far too fed up with it to actually believe the clan leader would ever change that about herself. But they could still try to remedy what was in their power. And they had never hesitated in doing so.

 

* * *

 

A couple of hours later they were reaching the end of their work when Magnus’ phone suddenly rang and lit up with Alexander’s name on it. His eyebrows furrowed in slight confusion, but he picked it up regardless because his curiosity would win over anything else any time.

“Calling back so soon… should I feel flattered?”

_“We need your help, Magnus,”_ Jace promptly replied.

Magnus rolled his eyes in slight annoyance. So he was on the speaker. _So good to know._ Raphael, thankfully, remained focused on the work instead. “I’m listening.”

_“Clary was kidnapped, and we can’t track her. We think werewolves are behind it, but we don’t know where they could’ve taken her,”_ Isabelle explained.

Before Magnus could reply, Raphael’s head raised up, because of course, he’d been listening in secret, and whispered: “Jade Wolf Chinese Restaurant on the pier at Greene street. That’s where their lair is.”

Magnus frowned at him, shocked, but repeated the information anyway. After that, he could only hear a slight noise before Alexander’s voice came to the surface. He probably lowered the volume when they got what they needed.

_“Thanks, Magnus. I owe you.”_

“You do no such thing, but if it makes you feel any better we can talk about it while we have that drink.”

This time the silence wasn’t nearly as long as it had been during the first phone call. _“Sounds like a deal.”_

With a smile on his face, Magnus hung up and turned around just in time to notice Raphael’s warm look before it transported to its usual somber self. Yet he knew well enough not to address it right away.

 

* * *

 

As soon as Jace and Izzy got their destination, they marched forward. Simon waited for Alec instead and was surprised when the latter refused to move even after he ended the phone call.

“Coming?” Simon asked.

“You know, you didn’t need to do that,” Alec spoke up timidly but still loud enough for the latter to hear.

Simon furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t need you standing up to Jace for me. I can handle him just fine,” Alec badgered. Louder this time and more firmly too.

“I’ve never doubted that, Alec. I just did what I thought was right.”

“Well, next time don’t bother,” Alec commanded and moved forward to follow Izzy and Jace.

Simon stood still. “I don’t need your gratitude or approval. And you can’t possibly stop me.”

Alec’s feet halted, but he refused to face the latter or say anything back.

“Believe it or not I’ve been accused of many things unrightfully, bullied even. And almost no one has ever bothered to do the right thing by me. The least I can do is try to be better than them.”

After that only silence followed and Simon’s head once again started to hurt. With clear desperation, he rubbed his temples gently and headed towards the direction Jace and Izzy had gone to without any more words spilling out of his mouth. He was done with Alec for today.

 

* * *

 

It was already dark when they found Clary. Unfortunately for Simon, his confusion kept reaching new measures as it was Luke who was carrying her away. Everything got even worse when Jace and Alec ambushed him without any hesitation and knocked him down.

“What the fuck did you do that for?” Simon shouted with panic rapidly spreading through his body. He’d just witnessed his only father figure being stunned by the Shadowhunters without any explanation. Saying that he was fed up with the constant dark that was surrounding him would definitely be an understatement.

“You okay?” Jace asked Clary.

“I will be,” she assured and glanced at Simon right after, “and I will explain everything to you, but right now we need to go.”

Simon took a deep breath but did nothing to protest as all five of them started running as fast as they could before Clary’s feet abruptly froze in place. “Wait, wait, the box. My backpack. I think I left it at the loft.”

“No, we’ve got it. I didn’t screw up everything,” Alec declared.

“Then let’s get out of here,” Simon exclaimed.

Isabelle stopped him before he could make a step. “Wait, Simon. Whatever you do, do not make any fast moves.”

It was only then when he noticed the growling sounds surrounding them on all fronts. A cold wave ran through his spine when he spotted green eyes glowing at them in dark. There must’ve been at least 5 pairs of them but definitely more. It was just too dark to decipher more from his surroundings. And too much adrenaline was running through his veins for him to actually care.

“This can’t be good,” Jace hissed under his breath and took out his sword.

“What about the Accords? You can’t seriously tell me they are not violating them right now!” Simon hysterically semi-whispered but remained still. Inwardly he noted to himself to read that damn Accords one day. He didn’t care if they were equal in length to any of Game of Thrones books because he was tired of being scared to death all the time. Especially when his death wasn’t meant to be absolute the way he wanted it to be.

However, no one reacted to his comment. The Shadowhunters just slowly prepared their weapons while Simon still hoped this was a fucking dream and nothing more.

“We’re surrounded,” Alec claimed and pulled his bow’s drawstring back. “Everyone, stay together.”

“Believe me, I’m not going anywhere,” Simon remarked and did his best to stop shivering but with no luck.

And if someone had told him, even with all he already had known about the Shadow World, that he would witness two wolves fighting for life or death later that day, he would merely scoff at that, but here he was, trying so hard to believe his own eyes as the wolves kept ambushing the other one furiously.

No one dared to move. Everyone remained perfectly still as the duel kept going. Seconds had never run slower or so Simon thought as he listened to his heart resonating through his head.

But when it finally did end, a huge relief flooded him. Which only multiplied when Luke ended up being the new alpha instead.

However, that moment ceased as quickly as it had come, when the werewolf collapsed to the ground. Luckily, Simon managed to catch him in time, but he’d never seen Luke so helpless and weak. His shivering even exacerbated at the sight and at the thought of losing him. He couldn’t. Losing anyone was out of the question.

“His wounds are deep. Only a warlock’s magic can cure an alpha’s bite,” Jace informed Clary.

“We have to get him to Magnus,” she pleaded.

“We have to get him to his car,” Jace nodded and stretched his arms to support the new alpha from one side while Clary retracted to the other side.

“I’ll drive,” Simon claimed, determined, but stopped as pain unlike any other suddenly struck his head.

When Simon’s scream more horrifying than anything Alec had ever witnessed found its way to his ears, the black-haired Shadowhunter didn’t waste any second. He instantly recoiled back just in time to catch the brunet before he would meet the ground.

“Simon, Simon! Stay with us!” he gently pleaded, but just more grunts and hisses were the only reply he got.

Simon tried to normalize his erratic breathing, but the pain was only gaining more strength as he tried to fight it. He did his best to focus on something else, but even his ears had betrayed him on that. He couldn’t hear anything else but his heart beating faster and faster with each running second. His whole vision had gotten blurry so much he could no longer recognize who was around him.

And just when he thought he couldn’t take any more of that pain, his eyes gave in and closed, leaving him no other choice than to delve completely into the utter darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos always make me smile :)


	6. Too Late

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't turn away  
> (Don't give in to the pain)  
> Don't try to hide  
> (Though they're screaming your name)  
> Don't close your eyes  
> (God knows what lies behind them)  
> Don't turn out the light  
> (Never sleep never die)
> 
> I'm frightened by what I see  
> But somehow I know  
> That there's much more to come  
> Immobilized by my fear  
> And soon to be  
> Blinded by tears  
> I can stop the pain  
> If I will it all away  
> If I will it all away
> 
> -Whisper, Evanescence-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I'm back after only like a week and a half I think with probably the longest chapter yet. I call that a progress XD. Which is probably never gonna happen again since I know myself so well. Anyway, I hope you'll like this chapter even though it gets a little bit dark in the end. But the sun will shine on this fic again one day I promise!

Raphael was just about to leave when suddenly Magnus burst into the room, guiding a badly injured werewolf with Clary Fairchild and laying him on his couch. The redhead failed to notice him as her main concern was targeted at the werewolf. Raphael could only wonder whether she was already aware of Simon’s condition or not and how Simon himself was handling it.

The answers to that presented themselves quite quickly as Raphael noticed that Clary’s were not the only new footsteps he could hear. Just seconds later another Shadowhunter barged in. Raphael remembered him, but that wasn’t what caught his attention. The black-haired Shadowhunter wasn’t alone. He was carrying unconscious Simon and as soon as Raphael realized that, he decided to come out of his shadows.

The Shadowhunter noticed him instantly. “What is he doing here?” he targeted his question at Magnus right after he seated Simon in the nearest armchair, but his eyes never wandered away from Raphael.

Raphael heard Magnus saying Clary to stay with the werewolf, Luke was his name, and then his attention turned to the two of them. “I see that you two have already met.”

“He’s the one who kidnapped Simon. He hasn’t been the same ever since and now look at him,” the Shadowhunter sneered and came closer to face Raphael. “What did you do to him?”

As cautious as ever Raphael didn’t fail to notice how rigid the man before him kept his posture. His hands remained stiffened, not at all relaxed like they were ready to strike if need be. Honestly, part of Raphael found that funny. While he didn’t doubt the Shadowhunter’s abilities, seeing the bow and arrows decorating his back wasn’t intimidating that much. And it was no secret that if someone wanted to take on a vampire alone, they would have to be too brave or too stupid. Raphael didn’t care which one would apply to the man before him because in his eyes the other one was too callow anyway.

But the other part of Raphael admired him for being willing to take on him. Because it would be for Simon. That much was evident.

“Camille forced him to drink her blood without my knowledge. When a mundane drinks vampire blood, their system adjusts to it instantly. They start having needs like us. Thirst for blood, unnatural strength, slight hatred towards the sun. But the worst thing about it is hallucinations.”

The Shadowhunter’s eyes slightly widened in horror right before he glanced at the still unconscious Simon. It lasted only for a split second, but it was enough for Raphael to notice.

“What hallucinations?” the man asked.

Raphael blinked multiple times. “It’s different for everyone, but the pattern usually stays the same. They’re feeding on your insecurities, trying to make you feel useless and to convince you that becoming a vampire is the only way how to fix you. If that doesn’t work and the mundane prevails, then…”

Raphael suddenly found it impossible to finish that sentence as multiple memories struck his head. Memories of all those times he’d tried to help people who were halfway through their transitions just like Simon. He’d tried and failed so many times he’d lost count a long time ago. And yet he’d never dared to give up completely.

There was no chance in hell he was ready to start now.

“Say it,” the Shadowhunter demanded rather harshly, but then he closed his eyes for a split second and took a deep breath. His posture instantly softened if ever so slightly as he glanced at Raphael again. “Please.”

“If the mundane prevails, then it’s only a matter of time before the hallucinations get so bad that he’ll no longer be capable of telling the difference between what is real and what not. Eventually, even death will seem preferable than fighting those hallucinations.”

Raphael watched as the information engulfed the Shadowhunter so much he started fidgeting. He ran both hands through his black messy hair and exhaled loudly.

Magnus came slightly closer and raised his hand to offer all the comfort he was capable of, but the dark-haired man only rebuffed it and shot daggers with his eyes at Raphael. After that rage was all Raphael could see in them. Mixed with fear.

“This is all on you,” the Shadowhunter hissed, pointing his finger at Raphael furiously. “Simon is dying and it’s your fault.”

“If I could have prevented it from happening, trust me, I would’ve.”

“And I’m supposed to take your word for it,” the Shadowhunter scoffed bitterly. “Because you’ve proved to be so trustworthy. Face it. If you hadn’t kidnapped him that night, none of this would’ve happened.”

“Well, maybe next time don’t make it so easy to kidnap people you’re supposed to protect,” Raphael countered cockily and witnessed as the last inches of the other’s self-control vanished and he concentrated all his anger on the only vampire in the room. But right before he could even get his hands on Raphael or open his mouth to say something, Magnus swiftly moved to stand right between the two of them, holding his hands up to prevent them from taking any more steps.

“Enough both of you!” the warlock commanded, scolding them with a mere look. “In case you haven’t noticed there are two people here under this roof who are in desperate need of help. I’ll take care of Luke, but I can’t have you two killing each other. What’s done is done and no one is innocent. But if you want to save your friend, pointing fingers is not the way.”

“He’s right,” Raphael agreed. “You can hate me and blame me. I deserve it, but I’m not here to fight anyone. I want to help.”

Magnus glanced at the Shadowhunter who was still glaring at them skeptically. “I know you don’t trust him, Alexander, but I assure you that with Raphael here Simon has the best chance of getting out of this unharmed.”

And there it was again. Magnus helping Raphael without asking for anything in return. Not even questioning his moral principles although Raphael had indeed kidnapped a mundane who was completely innocent and dragged him into all this mess. Raphael knew he was to blame which was why it had felt so hard to open up about it to Magnus earlier that day. But the warlock hadn’t judged him, and he wasn’t judging him now either.

Raphael didn’t deserve that kindness, that love, but he never ceased to be grateful for it.

“Fine,” the Shadowhunter surrendered eventually, crossed his arms and kept his glance firm and harsh at Raphael. “But I’m not letting my eyes off you.”

Raphael wanted to say something but decided against it right away. Magnus wouldn’t appreciate it and so he just nodded in surrender.

That was the time when Simon started gaining back his consciousness.

“He’s waking up,” Magnus announced as the groans of the brunet found their way to his ears. “Take him to that room. I’ll talk with Clary.”

The Shadowhunter didn’t hesitate for even a second before he carefully lifted Simon up and carried him all the way to the room Magnus had ordered him to.

Before Raphael followed him, he cocked his head and glanced at Magnus in wonder. “Well, Magnus, he’s quite something. I’ll give you that.”

Magnus rolled his eyes but countered that flawlessly. “Just focus on helping Simon so I can give you my opinion as well. And look… seems like I can remember his name without a problem.”

Raphael chuckled quietly before Magnus’ face was once again flooded with concern.

“Are you going to be okay?” he asked.

“You know I’m not doing this for the first time, Magnus.”

Magnus smiled weakly in return. “I just wish this was the last time you had to do it.”

Raphael glanced at the floor under him for a split second but refused to linger for longer than was necessary. This wasn’t something he could simply promise without going against all that he believed in. And he knew perfectly that Magnus didn’t want him to, but it was menacing, to say the least.

Because after all this time Raphael would always dare to hope that this time would be different, that he wasn’t destined just for failure. And those hopes would almost always end up pulverized regardless of his effort. With each failure, he was getting radically closer to the brink of utter breakdown. He didn’t know what was waiting for him behind it. Maybe he would finally become that monster Camille had addressed him to be or maybe with someone to love still out there somewhere he was never meant to find that out.

He desperately needed to believe the second one. And even more, he needed Magnus to believe it as well.

“You don’t need to worry,” he claimed and managed to form a reassuring smile, not even knowing whether it looked strained or sincere. But one thing was for sure – each time it got easier. “I’ve got this.”

He didn’t even wait for Magnus to say something back. He just turned around and headed for the room where the Shadowhunter and Simon were waiting for him, with prayers resonating through his head.

 

* * *

 

When he entered the room, Simon was already lying on the bed, squirming in slight pain as his quiet groans were resonating through the air.

“Thanks for bringing him here,” Raphael aimed at the Shadowhunter with a questioning gaze because as embarrassing as that might be, he didn’t quite catch his name. There was no way in hell he would confess that to Magnus, however.

“It’s Alec,” was the answer he got almost immediately. The gaze of the latter, however, never let go of Simon. “It’s getting worse. What now?”

Raphael pulled out two antidotes, handing them both to Alec. “I need you to give these to him while I hold him down. He might not be a vampire yet, but he’s still stronger than it’s normal for mundanes.”

“What are they for?”

“One is supposed to quicken the process of getting the vampire blood out of his system. You need to give that one to him first. His body will fight against it, which is why we need to give him the second one. To calm him down. It will take time before the second antidote takes effect, but it should do the trick.”

Alec took the antidotes and took a deep breath before lifting his eyes to look firmly at Raphael. “Okay. I’m ready.”

Raphael nodded and made his way to the bed where Simon was lying. He leaned forward and gripped the latter’s arms as tightly as was needed before his eyes flew over to Alec, giving him a permission to begin.

And Alec did as he was told without any more death glares or signs of distrust towards Raphael or any hesitation either. Raphael did appreciate that for a split second before Alec forced Simon to swallow the first antidote.

Simon’s body reacted to it instantly and started fighting. For Raphael, it wasn’t hard to trump the latter’s strength, but Simon was doing violent and fierce movements with everything he could without any inch of self-control and Raphael had only two hands to prevent him from fighting.

He was shaking, jerking abruptly, sometimes even so badly he managed to punch Raphael. But no matter how strong those strikes sometimes got, Raphael refused to flinch or give up. This was nothing more than a routine for him.

But for Alec, it was different, and Raphael only realized that after he glanced at him again. The black-haired Shadowhunter stood there completely frozen, staring at the mundane in pure horror and gripping the second antidote tightly in his hand. And while Raphael understood that shock completely because Simon was trembling and shouting in pain, it needed to be done before it would get worse and even he wouldn’t be able to hold the mundane down.

“You need to give him the antidote,” he announced with as much calmness as he could muster. But the Shadowhunter still didn’t find it within him to move while Simon’s resistance was gaining strength with each running second.

“Alec!” Raphael tried again and this time the latter indeed managed to come back to his senses. He blinked multiple times and let his eyes flew over to the antidote in his hand and then right back to Simon. Swiftly without saying any word, he carefully took a hold of Simon’s head and forced it to stay at least a little still while he emptied the antidote.

The brunet was struggling with all the strength he had left, and Raphael could clearly see the pained look that was decorating Alec’s face. Because if Simon’s abrupt movements were indicating anything, it was only that he was utterly terrified. Several tears had even managed to stream down his face somewhere along the way and while Raphael was fully aware they were doing the right thing here, it didn’t really seem that way just by a single look at it.

Alec definitely could’ve chosen to say no. He could’ve even tried to stop Raphael from handling this matter completely on his own, but the Shadowhunter did no such thing. He simply poured the magic liquid into Simon’s mouth and as soon as it was done, he leaned forward as well and gripped Simon’s legs to hold them down and prevent them from attacking Raphael as they had been for several minutes.

“This better work,” Alec groaned.

“It will. I swear,” Raphael assured.

Simon’s time and strength to fight were fading out quickly after that. His rapid movements started evening out, making it much easier to hold him down for both Raphael and Alec. And while most of the noises he was making were unintelligible, after it was clear he wasn’t going to win this fight and the second antidote started taking effects, a few words indeed managed to come out of his mouth.

“Why is it so dark? I thought there’d be stars!” he screamed as countless drops of sweat streamed down his face.

Raphael and Alec didn’t even exchange any words or puzzled expressions. They simply kept their grasp firm.

“I’m just an accounting student. I have no value to anyone!” Simon continued but not as loudly as before which was a sign that the last inches of his strength were soon ceasing to exist.

Raphael remembered those sentences far too well. Simon had said them when he’d been held hostage in a cell in the Hotel Dumort. Back then Raphael had considered them out of importance. From his point of view, the mundane had said them only because he’d been desperate. While it could still be true, Raphael had never thought it possible that Simon would mean them for real. That he really did have no value to anyone. At least in his own eyes.

Throughout all these years, mundanes who had been in the same condition as Simon would scream many things in this delirious state. Things that would always differ and yet at some point, they would always pinpoint the exact same thing.

It was all about insecurities like he’d said earlier, but the cruelest thing about it was that those hallucinations weren’t creating them. They were just searching everywhere within reach in mundanes’ minds for them and it didn’t matter how deep they were hidden. They would always end up being found and used like this.

And Simon’s last sentences only confirmed his theories.

“Don’t act as you suddenly care. It doesn’t suit you.”

This time even Alec was thrown off guard by that, but he still refused to say anything. And after a few more seconds Simon finally stopped struggling and relaxed, losing his consciousness over again.

“He should be able to wake up within an hour,” Raphael announced before an awkward silence would take over them. “But he needs to rest. His body is too exhausted so keeping him in place should no longer be a problem.”

“And how long will it take till he’s okay again?” Alec asked and crossed his arms.

Raphael took a bowl of water with a cloth he’d prepared ahead and placed the damp cloth with care on Simon’s forehead before lifting his head to look back at Alec. “The vampire blood should be out of his system by the morning. The hallucinations will no longer be a bother either.”

Alec simply nodded in return and sat down on the nearest armchair he could find.

Raphael eventually did the same. “He got lucky. This was the last stage. With a condition like that, he probably wouldn’t make it through another day.”

“Did it get so bad for you too?” Alec wondered.

Raphael lowered his head and ran a hand through his hair. “No one gave me a chance to experience any of this on my own. I became a vampire almost immediately. Even before the hallucinations could appear.”

Alec’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Then how is it possible you know so much about it?”

Raphael didn’t have the resolve to answer that question. So he just let the silence speak its own truth and was grateful when the Shadowhunter didn’t push it afterward.

Then it was all just about waiting.

 

* * *

 

Some time had passed. Alec wasn’t sure how much exactly, but it had to be over an hour by now. Simon still wasn’t waking up, but Raphael hadn’t addressed it so far, so Alec considered it as a good sign.

The silence ruling among them wasn’t awkward but wasn’t peaceful either. It was tense and while Alec acknowledged that the vampire hadn’t tried anything, he was still keeping his guard active. Even though his bow and arrows or any weapons weren’t exactly right by his side, they were still within his reach just in case something happened.

Alec was pretty certain Raphael had been aware of that right from the start as he was keeping his guard at its finest as well. Alec couldn’t blame him for that and so they just kept suffering each other’s presence while waiting for Simon to wake up.

Every time Alec’s gaze flitted to the mundane, his thoughts shuffled all over. Simon might be lying peacefully on that bed, but that sight didn’t get those images of his previous state out of Alec’s head.

Killing off demons who were nothing, but pure evil was one thing, but witnessing a mundane in such desperate state full of pain and suffering was something he hadn’t been prepared for. No one had even told him how awful the transition to a vampire was, but now that he’d seen it, his scope of understanding had definitely widened.

Then he remembered the words Simon had said while he and Raphael were holding him down. While the first two statements held no meaning to him, the third one was more than just familiar. Simon had said that to him when Alec had tried to stop him from leaving the Institute yesterday. Tried and failed and now that Alec knew mistakes like that had almost sentenced the latter for good, he had to try to live with it even though it hurt beyond imagination.

Many things were haunting him after that day. The fact he should’ve been more responsible and should’ve tried harder to make sure Simon was okay was screaming at his face whenever it saw fit, flushing him with guilt all over.

Although he didn’t look like it, Alec honestly cared. Simon might’ve been a complete stranger to him, but he had defended Alec even though he’d had no reason to. And Alec wasn’t even capable of accepting that properly. 

But now it was clear to him that he honestly cared. And he could only hope that he would get the chance to let Simon know that one day.

During the time they were waiting, he managed to text Izzy that Simon was alright or at least as alright as he could be. She messaged him about Max in return and about how much progress he had made. A small smile managed to find its way onto Alec’s face with a thought of his little brother illuminating his mind. He might be not much of a hugger, but when it came to hugging Max he really couldn’t mind when it felt impossible not to smile right away at the mere thought of him.

Raphael eventually brought him back from his trance when his own phone buzzed, and the stoic look on his face suddenly darkened.

Alec tilted his head in bewilderment. “Something wrong?”

The vampire stood up and headed toward the door. “I need to go.”

“Now?” Alec blurted out and moved to stand in his way on pure instinct. “You can’t leave. Simon needs you. What could possibly be so important that it needs your immediate presence?”

Raphael stared him down, annoyed. “That’s none of your concern. Just make sure Simon stays here and everything should be okay.”

It wasn’t enough to make Alec back down. Not when all his instincts were screaming at him he would regret that later.

But Raphael refused to back down as well. “I have my responsibilities and considering I’m a vampire, they can’t wait till the morning comes. But as soon as I’m finished, I’ll come back. I should make it before the sun rises.”

“Does any of those responsibilities include kidnapping more mundanes for your boss?” Alec scoffed.

Raphael slowly blinked in irritancy but retained his composure. “Like I said, it’s none of your concern. Now out of my way, Shadowhunter.”

And Alec eventually did give up. In the end, he couldn’t remain ignorant to the fact that even if he had chosen to prevail, he wouldn’t have been able to stop Raphael from leaving.

However, even after he let him go, it didn’t stop bugging him. The answer to the question what was so important for the latter to leave so suddenly was just aimlessly flying around him but never within his reach. Eventually, his curiosity won over his self-preservation and while he was sure that the vampire would never tell him, there was a slight chance he would tell Magnus.

The idea popped up in his head so unexpectedly it caught him off guard and it’d refused to leave it afterward.

Alec glanced at Simon who was still lying peacefully, breathing in regular cycles, not suggesting in any way that he was meant to wake up soon. So Alec made his decision immediately. It might be reckless, but he didn’t trust the vampire at all and every piece of information was precious.

Before he left the room, however, he reached for his stele and drew a soundless rune on his arm, which allowed him to move without making any sounds, just to make sure he wouldn’t get caught due to Raphael’s enhanced hearing. After that was done, he exited the room and tried to find his way back to the main entrance of Magnus’ apartment. A small amount of relief dawned on him when his assumption proved to be right as he spotted Raphael talking with Magnus before the entrance door.

All that was left for him to do was just find the perfect spot and listen.

“Are you sure it’s okay to leave?” Magnus asked.

“You know that I wouldn’t leave if it wasn’t important,” was Raphael’s reply.

“I do, but I also know that you’re being too hard on yourself without any reason. You don’t owe anyone anything.”

“Even if that was actually true, it wouldn’t change my mind, Magnus.”

Few seconds of silence followed afterward before Raphael chose to break it again. “Are you really sure that those Shadowhunters can be trusted?”

“I’m not thrilled about this any more than you are, but we both know that Valentine needs to be stopped whatever it takes. These Shadowhunters at least realize that and are willing to do something about it.”

Another wave of silence appeared, but it only lasted for a split second before Alec heard the door suddenly opening.

“Just be careful,” he heard Raphael say.

“You too,” Magnus replied.

After that, the warlock headed away, probably back to Luke and Clary. Alec’s soundless rune was starting to wear off anyway, so he swiftly found his way back to the room where Simon was. And just before he could even sit down and think through what he’d just heard a familiar groan found its way to his ears. He turned his head just in time to see Simon flutter his eyes open and form a weak smile.

“This feels like the worst hangover ever, which I never had, so I guess..,” Simon rambled but stopped to rather rub his eyes and to look around his surroundings instead. “Where am I?”

“Magnus Bane’s apartment,” Alec promptly replied.

Instead of giving any verbal reaction to it Simon tried to sit up but failed to even lift his chest before he relaxed once again to the bed, moaning in exhaustion.

Alec came closer instantly and slightly lifted his hands to indicate for Simon to stay still. “Try not to move. All you need right now is a rest.”

Simon complied instantly and didn’t try anything after that. But the silence that followed right after was much harder to bear than Alec had imagined it would be. He’d never minded the silence, but this one was deafening. The idea of imagining how that must have felt for Simon at least didn’t seem so surreal anymore.

“How is Luke?” Simon suddenly asked.

Alec hesitated for a slight moment because he honestly had no idea how the werewolf was doing. It wasn’t like he didn’t care, it was just he’d been busy, and therefore, this had just completely slipped out of his mind.

His unawareness, however, made it at least easier for him to lie. “He’s doing fine.”

It might not have been a lie after all even though Alec made it look like one, which Simon deciphered almost instantly much to the Shadowhunter’s surprise.

“You’re a terrible liar,” the brunet stated, but even slightly stunned Alec could see the latter didn’t mean it as such a bad thing nor was he annoyed. He was surprisingly carefree and although it did nothing to help Alec relax at least a little as well, it did make him feel slightly better.

“Do you still hear-“Alec began but failed to find the right words. Maybe even the right question too.

“The blood pumping through your veins?” Simon sadly added. “Yeah, pretty much, but at least there are no hallucinations in sight yet, so I call that a win.”

It didn’t escape Alec’s attention how the brunet was avoiding looking at him. His eyes were either closed or kept staring at the ceiling above his head. Which only made Alec more hopeless and more speechless.

Izzy always knew what to say. Even in situations like this, she would always have the right words up her sleeve. Alec had never actually envied her for that as much as he did now. Until now he’d never needed it. No one had ever demanded it from him and although he knew that Simon wasn’t demanding anything from him now either, after how the latter had defended him that day, Alec couldn’t help but feel like he owed it to him.

And that made him utterly helpless. Because more than anything he wanted to leave the room, but at the same time there wasn’t anything at that time he would hate himself more for. It was puzzling, to say the least. Because he had no idea how to fix it.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” he suddenly broke the silence as calmly as possible, but it was no secret his voice was betraying him on that. “You do realize how much risk you’ve put yourself and everyone around you into? You could’ve-“

“Died?” Simon interjected bitterly. “And become a vampire? You really think I didn’t know about that?”

Alec frowned in confusion. “Then why did you keep it a secret? We would’ve helped you. It’s our job.”

Simon pressed his lips to a thin line but remained looking anywhere else but at Alec. “I suppose at some point it was for the same reason you had when you told me not to bother. So you would prove you can handle everything life is going to throw at you. The only difference is that you don’t need to prove anything to anyone.”

“You don’t know anything about me.”

“Well, I know about your feelings for Jace and as someone who also has feelings for a person they’re never gonna get, I know they alone say a lot about you whether you like it or not.”

Alec lowered his head and gritted his teeth. Part of him seriously considered denying all that was said as the right call. But the other knew perfectly that trying to fool the latter would be a dead end anyway. Because Simon knew these feelings too well considering he had the same ones for Clary. Why Alec didn’t understand, but he couldn’t deny their true worth either.

He still doubted they were as strong as his for Jace. He was his parabatai after all and that was just complicating things even more for him. While Alec never dared to hope someone would understand, somewhere deep inside he knew that Simon could try. And would probably even get closest to the success.

“Look, Alec,” Simon spoke up and tried to sit up again and succeeded. And Alec just let him this time. “I know you have no reason to trust me. But I’m probably the last person who is going to judge you or laugh at you for this. You, on the other hand, are welcome to laugh at me for being in love with ‘that orange thing’ if that makes you feel better.”

And at that time, before he could even think of stopping it, Alec managed to chuckle silently and truly smile. And it felt really good.

The walls he had built around his heart were still there, as strong as ever, but feeling from time to time like they weren’t there at all was more than just refreshing. It was liberating at some point even though he would never confess to it. But he could smile and instantly feel at least a bit better.

He’d just never thought it would be that easy.

“And here I thought you’re incapable of smiling,” Simon pointed out with a smile now fully looking at him, without his eyes flitting away. “I’m glad I was wrong about that.”

“Don’t get used to it,” Alec snorted, but never completely let go of that smile. Although it was no longer so visible and so spontaneous, certain trails were still there. Whether Alec truly wanted it that way or it was just there because at some point it felt natural he didn’t know. But he was not against it.

Simon giggled as loudly as his exhausted and drugged body let him without feeling any pain, which really came out only as a short chuckle barely above the whisper. “You should know that before I fainted today, I did hear you calling me Simon. Seems to me like I’ve accomplished more than to make you smile.”

To that, Alec had no longer any more to say. He just stayed silent and let it sink in. He was still kind of pissed off at Simon for keeping this a secret from everyone, but it was no longer occupying his mind so fully. And neither was Jace.

“Can I ask you a favor?” Simon suddenly spoke up.

It didn’t escape Alec’s attention that Simon was back to complete seriousness after that. Even though Alec had known him for just a few days, it was still an odd look for someone who was always trying to lighten up the mood under any circumstances.

But Alec wasn’t going to pry no matter how tempting it might prove to be. And so he put everything else to the back of his mind and retreated to complete seriousness as well.

“That depends,” he replied and crossed his arms.

Simon lowered his head, sighed and stayed silent for several seconds. Alec didn’t dare to push him. He just patiently waited.

However, when Simon finally lifted his head and opened his mouth to speak again, a knock on the door resonated through the room and Clary appeared behind it.

“Simon! Are you okay?” she gushed, ran to him and hugged him right after.

Simon reciprocated that gesture as strongly as he could and formed a wide smile on his face like it was the easiest thing on the earth. “Never been better. You’re not gonna get rid of me that easily, Fray.”

For Alec it never was and probably never would be. Although he’d never been a fan of showing any kind of affection so openly, he could still admire Simon for doing it so willingly even with all that he’d been through lately.

And while Simon still hadn’t asked him that favor, it was clear Alec’s presence was no longer needed when Clary was there. And so he silently left without saying anything. Not even caring whether any of them noticed.

 

* * *

 

Simon felt completely wretched. His whole body hurt even though there were no bruises or wounds and keeping his eyes open felt like the hardest thing ever.

However, that was nothing compared to his mental state. It wasn’t about the constant noise and the hallucinations anymore, though. It was merely about how he felt like a constant burden to everyone around him. Especially Clary.

It was stupid and pathetic, but it was stuck in his head and he couldn’t get it out no matter how hard he tried.

But he could still try to pretend he was okay. He owed his best friend that at least. With fake smiles and stupid jokes, only Clary would laugh at, did make it seem like he was back to his old self. Even though deep down he knew he couldn’t be farther from that.

But Clary looked like she believed it and that was all that mattered to him. Or maybe she was just pretending like him. Simon didn’t have enough energy to really care at that point, so he just carried on with this game until he felt too tired again.

And as he closed his eyes and was slowly falling asleep, he did dare to hope that he was going to get through this alright. For the first time since he’d found out about the Shadow World’s existence, he felt safe. Here in the apartment of the mighty Magnus Bane who had probably told everyone about his condition or so Simon thought. If he was indeed meant to come out of this alive, he would surely thank him for it.

But the last thought that struck his mind before he entered the realm of dreams was of Luke with hopes that the man would be okay once he woke up.

However, all his peace disappeared right afterward as the nightmares took a hold of him instead. And while many of them appeared, only a few stood out so strongly that they actually managed to make him feel even worse than he’d already felt.

In one of them, he saw Camille with that wicked smile of hers, offering him her _Bloody Mary_ and telling him how easy it had been for her to make him hers. And he just kept kissing her and doing exactly what she wanted him to even though it was making him sick beyond imagination.

In the second one, Raphael appeared and while Simon dared to hope this nightmare wasn’t going to be as bad as the previous one was, he was proved utterly wrong right away when all Raphael was dedicating him was a mocking glare.

“Did you really think throwing this at me was the brave thing to do?” the vampire asked as he uncovered the dagger Simon remembered too well. “It was the most pathetic thing I’ve ever seen.”

Simon gulped and tried so hard to stop his body from trembling so goddamn much but with no success. “Why did you help me escape then?”

A taunting smile appeared on Raphael’s face. “Are you really that dense? I just pitied you. For someone like you, this phenomenon should be normal.”

Simon let his head fall and slowly closed his eyes. He was fighting thousand tears grouping in his eyes with all his strength and yet one of them indeed managed to come out and streamed down his face. As he lifted his head back up he noticed as the clear mockery in Raphael’s eyes only gained more strength.

“You can’t even fight this off on your own. You’re in desperate need of help with everything you do. It amazes me how you’re able to live with yourself.”

Simon closed his eyes again and let even more tears come out and when he opened them again the third nightmare began.

As in the previous ones, he was still in the same room in Magnus’ apartment. And yet this nightmare proved to be more realistic than any other. Because Clary was there of all people. With Jace. They were holding hands.

“What’s going on, Clary?” he asked, doing his best to keep looking into her eyes but failing every time his gaze flew over to their joined hands.

“I’m finally with the man I want to be with,” Clary replied firmly.

Simon’s heart skipped a beat as those words dawned on him. But he refused to believe it or accept it. He couldn’t.

“But I love you. I always have.”

Clary just scoffed at that. “You really think I didn’t know that? I’ve known about your stupid feelings all this time and I chose him anyway.”

After that Simon could only watch in horror as Clary turned her head towards Jace and kissed him senselessly. With that, all bad thoughts ambushed him with all their strength. And they kept repeating, replaying in his head without giving him any break.

_They don’t trust you. They never will,_ Camille’s voice resonated.

_You mean nothing,_ Raphael’s voice joined. _You can't seriously think I'm interested in saving your worthless life again._

_You saw what I and Raphael could do. And the chance to able to do that is right in front of you_ , Camille’s voice appeared again as tempting as ever. _Take it._

And in that very moment, Simon completely lost it. His common sense, his whole sanity got shut down and only those thoughts mattered and what he saw happening right before his eyes.

He marched forward without thinking and ripped Clary and Jace from each other. Before any of them could react Simon punched Jace with all his strength who ended up on the ground right away. But that wasn’t enough. Simon lowered and just kept striking the Shadowhunter as many times as he craved, not even minding that Clary was shouting at him and begging him to stop.

Then she shoved him abruptly away, but he was quicker. As his instincts kicked in, he grabbed her and threw her against the nearest wall.

Only after that his common sense returned and made him stop. He looked around. Jace was no longer in sight, but Clary was. Lying on the ground unconscious with blood streaming down from her forehead.

And after connecting the dots, Simon realized the most terrifying thing about it all – this was no longer a dream.

As it hit him, he collapsed to the ground near Clary, shouting her name, shaking her, doing anything in his power to wake her up. His thoughts were shuffled so much he could no longer even focus on hearing her heartbeat. All that mattered was to see her open her eyes. But she didn’t.

And then he realized another crucial thing. A broken mirror was lying on the floor right next to her. It must have shattered when he’d done the most horrible thing in his life. But that was beyond the point. What mattered was the sight in it. Because it was him with vampire fangs attached to him like they’d always belonged there.

And that was it for him. He could no longer care about anything else. Because he’d just hurt one of the most important people in his life. There was no way he could become even more of a monster than he already was right at that moment.

And so he stood up and made his way to the nearest window. He desperately needed to get out.

 

* * *

 

When Alec found his way back to Magnus, the warlock was treating Luke. Alec didn’t want to disturb him. It was clear the latter needed to concentrate and so he did nothing to make his presence known and just kept being silent.

But he failed anyway. “Are you just going to stand there and watch?” Magnus asked without turning around to face him and carrying on doing his magic.

Alec nervously cleared his throat. “I didn’t want to disturb you.”

“It’s alright, Alexander. If there is anything I’ve managed to master completely after all these years, it’s multitasking,” Magnus pointed out with a smile and motioned for Alec to come closer.

And Alec did just that and sat down on the ground near him but with enough distance to not make it weird. “How is he?”

“He’s managing. I’m trying to make it easier for him, but without the ingredients I need from Jace, eventually, I won’t be able to hold on for much longer.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

“We should prepare. The potion stock still needs Komodo scale. Find it. We will add the rest when Jace gets here.”

Magnus explained to Alec how the needed item looked like and the Shadowhunter did as commanded. And when it was done, he returned to the warlock’s side.

“How is Simon doing by the way?” Magnus asked after a short moment of silence.

“Better,” Alec nonchalantly replied and started fiddling with his fingers.

Magnus noticed that right away. “I know that you don’t trust Raphael, Alexander, but believe me when I say that he wants Simon to get well as much as you do.”

“Then why isn’t he here?”

“He’s a busy man.”

“Whatever,” Alec scoffed and ran a hand through his hair.

Even though a few seconds of silence followed right afterward, Magnus didn’t let it carry on for longer. “You know when I called you today, this was not how I imagined our next meeting would go.”

Before Alec could say anything to it, a warm smile formed on Magnus’ face.

“But despite the circumstances, I’m glad you’re here.”

And Alec just couldn’t help but stare if only for a few seconds. Because no one had ever said anything like it to him. Those words combined with that smile on Magnus’ face were creating something so unfamiliar to him he couldn’t exactly put a finger on it however hard he tried. Which was why he was completely out of words.

But then he remembered the conversation he’d eavesdropped on earlier that night and that foreign feeling started instantly fading. Because when Raphael had indicated his doubts about trusting them, Magnus had agreed with him at some point. He had stood up for them a little afterward, but still… Alec had this information and he had no idea what to do with it. Or how to react to Magnus’ words anymore.

Luckily for him, it didn’t take long till he had no space to think of any answer. Because Luke’s situation exacerbated in a split second as the werewolf suddenly woke up and started shaking uncontrollably and groaning in pain. It was like with Simon, but worse.

“What’s happening?” Alec questioned with widened eyes in horror.

“I’m running out of magic!” Magnus kept it short and Alec didn’t dare to ask more after that, giving the latter all the space he needed for concentration. But in the end, it made little difference.

Magnus was starting to lose his balance and both of his hands were slowly going limp with each running second. Alec couldn’t just sit there and watch, but at the same time, he had no idea what to do.

But his instincts managed to kick in right before Magnus almost collapsed to the ground. Alec didn’t think, he just let the warlock lean on to him, giving him all the support the latter needed. If it was helping he had no idea, but at least it was something. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he did any less.

Luckily it was only matter of time after that until Jace arrived with the missing ingredients. Magnus ordered him to add it to the potion and then feed it to Luke. Through all that, Alec didn’t dare to leave the warlock’s side. And when it was done, Luke finally stopped shaking. He relaxed and opened his eyes for the first time in a while. All the men in the room exhaled loudly in relief.

But before anyone could say something, Clary stormed into the room with tears streaming down her face along with blood from the wound on her forehead. Alec’s heart instantly skipped a beat.

“Simon... He’s gone,” Clary panted.

Alec instantly stood up and headed toward the room he’d seen Simon the last time. Clary, Jace, and Magnus followed him right away.

And as they entered the room, it didn’t escape his attention how one corner was completely destroyed like a strong force had hit it. Just by a single look at Clary, he was able to connect the dots. Yet he refused to dwell on it further.

“He was in some kind of trance. I was trying to stop him, but he wouldn’t listen. He shoved me away and left,” Clary cried out.

Alec said nothing. No accusation or words of pity. All of this would’ve probably happened anyway even if he’d stayed here. What was going through his mind, however, was if this would’ve happened even if Raphael had stayed here. He had no answer. And he refused to ask it out loud, knowing that he would only make everything worse.

He noticed the open window and came closer. And if the situation wasn’t so bad, he would actually find some humor in this because he hated the irony. “He used fire escapes.”

“When did it happen, Clary?” Magnus carefully asked and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder.

She gulped and let even more tears come out. “I don’t know. When he… shoved me away, I fell unconscious. I… I don’t know for how long.”

“I’m going after him,” Alec coldly stated and made his way to the door. Before he could leave, however, Jace caught him by his arm.

“We have no idea how long he’s been gone. He could be anywhere, Alec.”

Alec spun around abruptly. “I know that, but I can’t just stand here and do nothing. I’ve gotta at least try.”

Jace stared him down, then his gaze flitted over to Clary and then back to Alec. After a few seconds of silence, he decided to break it. “Okay. I’ll help you.”

“I’m coming too,” Clary claimed and wiped away all her tears just so even more could come out.

“There is no way in hell I’m letting you leave in this state,” Magnus strictly stated.

“Magnus, we have much better chances of finding him if more of us are looking!”

The warlock sighed. “I think everyone in this room knows where Simon is most likely heading. Maybe he’s already there. Either way, since I can’t portal you there because I don’t have enough magic left, there is only one person who has any chance of getting to him in time. And I’m going to call him.”

He instantly pulled out his cell phone, but before he dialed the right number, he glanced at Alec and Jace. “You two do what you must.” Then he turned to Clary. “But you are staying here. I’m sure Simon wouldn’t want you running around Brooklyn in the middle of the night, bleeding.”

“I’m fine,” Clary argued.

“Then do it for Luke. He needs you right now.”

And that looked like it did the trick. Because Clary stayed silent after that. And Alec refused to stay any longer. He knew that Magnus was probably right and that if Simon was already at the Hotel Dumort, there was no way he or Jace would make it there in time.

But Simon was a mundane who didn’t belong to the Shadow World. It was one of Alec’s duties, as a Shadowhunter, to protect mundanes no matter what. He had to at least try. And so he left without motioning or saying anything to Jace to follow him. And the last thing he heard before he exited the room was how Magnus explained the situation on the phone as quickly as possible. After that, Alec could only hope Raphael would find Simon in time.

 

* * *

 

Raphael was just on his way back to Magnus’ apartment when he got the call. He didn’t say anything, not even any sort of greeting because Magnus cut to the point immediately as Raphael picked up his phone. And as soon as his brain managed to process all the words that had been said, he hung up without saying anything back.

And he ran and ran as fast as he could and as discreetly as was possible. Never in his life had he imagined he would need his superspeed as much as in that moment. But even though he wasn’t far from Hotel Dumort at all, it took him some time to get there. Too much time.

Yet he still dared to hope. Even after all these years, there were still times when he let himself be a little gullible, hoping so desperately sometimes that it wouldn’t backfire on him.

But as he found himself in Camille’s quarters, all his hopes were pulverized when the realization dawned on him. He’d come too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos keep my muse going!


	7. You can't run from it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon's transition, a lot of bonding between some characters and Alec is having a hard time understanding anything. Please don't hate him for it!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys! I'm officially horrible. Because I'm back after like a month, which is terrible, with a 10k words long chapter where basically nothing happens. How did that happen? I have no idea. Okay, of course, some things happen in this chapter, but I'm just afraid it's not what you've been waiting for. I'm probably moving extremely slow with this, but at least I'm living up to that slow burn tag for now. But hopefully, next chapter will move us further. I'll do my best with it I promise. But I still hope you'll enjoy this chapter and thanks so much for reading, giving kudos and commenting. It really means the world to me <3!

When Magnus attended to both Clary and Luke, he decided to give them some privacy to talk. They definitely looked like they needed it and Magnus knew perfectly staying away from such drama was the better choice here. He would end up being a bother sooner or later anyway.

So he prepared himself a drink and sat down on his couch. He could finally relax and yet he found it impossible to do so. His gaze would just always wander off to the screen of his cell phone, searching and waiting for Raphael to call or text. It didn’t really matter. He just needed something.

At some point, it was funny. He knew warlocks who wouldn’t care. He knew Shadowhunters who wouldn’t care so much either. Because that was how the Shadow World had been operating these days. Everyone just minding their own damn business and nothing else.

Even Raphael was like that, but Magnus could hardly blame him for it. The latter had become a part of the Shadow World right when it had started being this rotten.

Magnus remembered what it had been like when everyone was equal and willing to help anyone who needed it, but Raphael had never had the chance to experience it. Because of that, he had nothing to miss, nothing to daydream about. And it didn’t matter that Magnus would spend hours telling him about it. It would just never be the same as experiencing it for real.

And honestly, Magnus wasn’t really sure what was troubling him the most at that time. It wasn’t just about being worried about Simon’s wellbeing. Raphael and Alexander’s wellbeing troubled him just as much. And Clary’s too. She’d already had so much weight on her shoulders and the circumstances were just adding more and more to the pile.

He didn’t know Alexander that well, but he didn’t need that to realize how badly hurt the Shadowhunter could come of it. At some point, it reminded him of Raphael. Both of them just loved behaving like they didn’t have a heart even though the opposite was true. While Raphael’s wasn’t beating anymore, it was still there. With even more love than Magnus had ever had. He just wished Raphael had known that too.

It took some time before one of the Shadowhunters returned. It was Jace. Alexander was no longer with him and Magnus did his best to hide a sudden disappointment his absence just caused. Thankfully, that was no difficult task for the High Warlock of Brooklyn.

“Did you find him?” he asked and stood up with hopes, yet he knew perfectly there was no reason for them. The look on the Shadowhunter’s face spoke volumes.

“No such luck,” Jace replied. “Alec got a call and had to leave. What about your vampire friend?”

Magnus noticed the slight contempt hidden behind the latter’s voice as he mentioned Raphael right away. His whole body stiffened at that on reflex and while part of him desired to do something about it and defend his best friend, he did his best to ignore these urges and just retained his composure.

“Raphael hasn’t contacted me yet, but I’ll let you all know as soon as I find out more.”

Jace merely nodded in return and that was it. No more words were exchanged after that.

Magnus glanced at his phone for the nth time that night and just sorrowfully sighed because part of him already knew why Raphael hadn’t called back yet. And the other part was just too stubborn to accept the truth. But Magnus knew him too well. So much that he was almost a hundred percent certain that the latter would call him or at least text him if everything was alright.

But that was the problem. Nothing was alright. And that statement only proved to be truer when he himself tried to contact Raphael again without any reply.

By the time morning came, one unread message indeed had found its way to him. A certain amount of relief flooded him when he saw it was from Raphael.

_R: I’ve got him._

That was it. While Magnus knew the latter would always keep the text messages as short as possible, such knowledge didn’t ease his mind at all. He needed to know more.

_M: Is he alright?_

No reply came after that, but for Magnus, it was enough. There was no reason to doubt anymore and Magnus hated it.

But then his phone buzzed again.

_R: Tell those Shadowhunters I’ll bring him back tonight._

_M: I’ll come with you._

_R: No need._

_M: You can’t stop me._

And Raphael didn’t write him back after that. Not even when Magnus waited minutes for it. The doubts might’ve disappeared, but the worries had only grown stronger. And although Magnus hated that beyond imagination, there was little he could do to change it.

So he took a deep breath and decided to do as he was told. And when Clary asked him whether Simon was okay, he faked a reassuring smile and claimed he was sure everything was going to work out just fine in the end. He hated it every time he had to lie like this, but would it really help anyone if he decided to tell the truth? And what was he supposed to say? That Raphael’s messages were vague, but he was pretty much sure nothing was alright?

Valentine was still the problem they should be the most concerned about and while he didn’t doubt everyone was aware of that, he was worried they would forget about it if they knew the truth. And sometimes even that could prove to be crucial in the end.

And so he just told them to wait and focus on their other duties which was exactly what he did too.

And when the sun had already disappeared, his doorbell rang and uncovered Raphael behind the doors with Simon’s lifeless body in his arms.

“Are you ready to go?” Raphael asked him coldly.

Magnus tried so hard to read something from the latter’s facial expression. Anything that would help him to find the right words, but throughout all these years, Raphael had mastered his cold behavior and keeping himself at distance so much that sometimes he proved to be impossible to read even for him.

Those were the times when even the High Warlock of Brooklyn felt completely helpless.

“Raphael, I-“

“Save it,” Raphael heartlessly cut him off. “Just portal us there.”

Magnus’ eyes fluttered for a split second. Because after that he could finally see it. The evident pain hidden in those brown eyes he knew so well was something he would never get used to. Because each time it would get stronger and more unbearable. And Magnus would know even less of how to help make that pain disappear.

But he could still see some silver lining in it. Even with all his magical abilities, he considered this as one of his greatest talents.

Because Raphael could’ve chosen to stay away from him and just go after the Shadowhunters alone. Somewhere along the way, there were times when the latter had indeed picked the option of keeping himself at the distance as vast as possible even from him. While it had hurt every time beyond imagination, Magnus had never dared to push the latter. He’d just waited and eventually, Raphael would always find his way back.

Now even though the circumstances were agonizing, to say the least, Magnus dared to be grateful Raphael had come to him first. Because it meant he wanted him by his side and honestly, there was no place Magnus would rather be.

 

* * *

 

He teleported them right before the Institute. It seemed to be a better idea to appear there than right inside and facing all those Shadowhunters who would probably love to arrest them for some reason. And it didn’t matter they wouldn’t have any rational reason for it. They would definitely make up one.

Before the idea of texting and letting the Shadowhunters know they were there popped up in his head, he focused on the silence between him and Raphael. It was excruciating. Because Magnus felt like he should say something. Anything to be honest. But the right words still hadn’t found their way to him for some reason. And he hated himself for it more and more with each running second.

“You’re doing the right thing by bringing him here,” he eventually spoke up but felt like he wanted to slap himself for it right afterward. Like it held some meaning to Raphael he was doing the right thing now when this whole situation couldn’t be farther from being right in his eyes. And Magnus knew that. His common sense just wasn’t working as properly as he wished it had been when it came to Raphael. Magnus was capable of handling almost every situation, every problem, but even after all these years, helping Raphael would always prove to be the hardest task of them all.

But the latter didn’t say anything in return. And honestly, Magnus was grateful for it at some point. And while he still hated the silence between them, he resigned from the need of breaking it. It wouldn’t help Raphael at all so there was no point in pushing it.

“Don’t move,” Jace’s voice broke his trance and both he and Raphael froze in place and turned towards the source of the voice. Due to the bad visibility, the Shadowhunters failed to recognize them and refused to let their guard or weapons down.

“Drop what you’re holding. Put your hands up,” Alexander ordered and Magnus lifted his hands ever so slightly to indicate he meant no harm and slowly took a few steps forward to let him be seen. Raphael followed him right behind but just as slowly and as soon as all the Shadowhunters realized what they were seeing, horrified expressions crossed all their faces.

“Oh, my God, Simon!” Clary screamed and ran to them without anything holding her back. Alexander, Isabelle and Jace put their weapons down and motioned for Magnus and Raphael to follow them somewhere they could deal with this without anyone watching.

Magnus helped Raphael to lay Simon carefully down once they got there even though he was fully aware the vampire didn’t need the help. But he didn’t reject it either and Magnus dared to consider that a little win.

“People will be wondering what we found outside the perimeter,” Jace announced.

“I’ll go. I’ll tell them we didn’t find anything. Nobody will come down here,” Isabelle assured and left.

Magnus watched as Raphael did the sign of a cross in silence. Although all Shadowhunters in the room noticed it, none of them decided to address it.

“The vampires breached the Accords. Killing Simon is grounds for war,” Alexander stated as heartlessly as possible, but Magnus could tell it was too hard for him.

Raphael, on the other end, was doing perfectly in hiding it even though it was hard for him just as much if not harder. And Magnus could be astonished by how quickly the vampire had gone from guilty and disappointed to cold and arrogant, but he would never let himself be fooled so easily. He knew him too well.

“The vampires were not behind this,” Raphael argued. “Just Camille. She attacked Simon on her own.”

“And how do we know you’re telling the truth?” Jace spat out.

“He tried to help him, remember?” Magnus pointed out with a harsh frown. “Or does that count for nothing?”

“Tried and failed,” Alexander hissed and pointed his finger at Simon. “And this is the result. Frankly, that’s all that matters.”

Raphael shook his head in disbelief. “Oh, I’m sorry I don’t share your complex judgment, but it’s not that easy.”

Alexander bitterly scoffed. “Oh yeah? And how is that?”

Raphael narrowed his eyes in annoyance. "It might be a surprise for you, but becoming a vampire isn't such a walk through the park as becoming a Shadowhunter. You're not required to have dozens of tattoos covering your whole body and to fight off demons. Sure, it might be your duty, but it's not something you can't live without. You have a choice. Vampires don't have any choice. You either avoid the sun, drink blood or die, which is why having a vampire blood in a mundane's system should always be a one-way trip."

"There's no book about that either," Magnus joined. "No advice, solution, potions or spells to stop this transition. What Raphael provided yesterday was created only because of him."

Magnus noticed right away how Raphael glanced at him, his eyes saying something like: 'You know damn well that's not entirely true', but he merely ignored it.

Jace scoffed bitterly. "Didn't really help, did it?"

"My apologies that these sorts of things require time," Raphael deadpanned.

Clary lifted her gaze from Simon and glared at him. "Too bad they also require sacrifices like this. Doesn't that bother you at all?"

Raphael remained quiet for a few seconds, but even after that, his look remained cold and stoic and no one besides Magnus could see through that. "These potions were working, but it's not my fault that everyone reacts to them differently and needs different amounts of it. When I was leaving, he was perfectly calm." His gaze wandered off to Alexander. "Wasn't he?"

Alexander, ever so hesitant, furrowed his eyebrows. “I was with him only until she came but yeah, he was fine.”

Magnus slowly closed his eyes as the realization dawned on him. And a mere look at his friend was enough to know they were thinking of the same thing. Because if anything the mundane had never been as subtle as anyone would hope. It was beyond all unfairness how it had sentenced him for good.

“Oh great, so now it’s my fault?” Clary scoffed with clear contempt, throwing her hands around, frustrated.

Raphael might’ve stayed silent, but his eyes spoke volumes and Magnus couldn’t hate him for that more than in that exact moment.

“No one’s saying that, Clary,” he tried to soothe instead and glared at the vampire, pleading him to say something. The latter, however, merely ignored him much to his despair.

“But he thinks that,” Clary continued with tears still threatening to overcome her completely as she came closer to Raphael and jabbed her finger into his chest. “No, you don’t get to do that. Because you kidnapped him, you dragged him to Hotel DuMort. You delivered him to Camille!"

“I never meant for this to happen,” Raphael finally spoke up, so alarmed and guilty that Magnus snapped his head up to look at him. After that, the emotions of his friend were fully on display. Magnus wanted so much to lay his hand on the latter’s shoulder, to show him he was there for him, to support him and to let him know this was mainly Camille’s doing and not just his own. But he knew too well Raphael wouldn’t appreciate it or take it to his heart so he reluctantly fought his urges and remained silent.

“And that’s supposed to make it okay, isn’t it? Your good intentions are all it takes for us to forget about the consequences. Well, guess what, we can’t.”

“Do you really think he doesn’t care?” Magnus challenged. “By violating the Accords Camille put his whole clan at huge risk.”

“Simon was put at the hugest risk. Shame he isn’t here to say anything on the matter,” Alexander countered coldly.

Magnus opened his mouth to say something but before he could, Raphael stopped him by pressing his hand gently to his chest, dedicating him a secret glance. _Don’t_ , it said and while the warlock didn’t understand it completely, he refused to fight him on it. He took a deep breath to gather his thoughts instead. And when Raphael saw that, his hand fell back to his side.

“You have every right to be angry,” Magnus gently tried one last time. “But he could’ve dumped him anywhere in Brooklyn and gave you no chance of ever finding him. He brought him here instead. At least try to hear him out.”

“For what? What more could he possibly have to say?” Clary spat out.

"There is a way," Raphael announced, looking anywhere but at people in the room.

"'A way' what?" Jace questioned.

"A way to bring Simon back."

"You can do that?" Clary demanded with widened eyes. "How?"

"He's a fledgling. It's a state of transition. Your friend can be resurrected."

"Like hell," Alexander barked.

But Clary merely ignored him. "So I could have Simon back? Alive and breathing?"

"That's the problem. The Simon you knew is gone and we should leave it that way."

Magnus couldn't help but snort at that. "Yeah, because living as a Downworlder is the worst thing that can happen."

"Becoming a bloodsucking vampire is," Alexander insisted and narrowed his eyes at both Raphael and Magnus. "

Raphael cocked his head and glared at him. "That's hardly your choice to make."

"It isn't yours either. And besides, it's not a matter of choice. You've gotta feed on blood and avoid the sun for the rest of all eternity. Who would want that?"

"How is it possible that you suddenly know so much about vampires?"

"How stupid do you think I am?"

"Do you really want me to answer that question?"

"Oh, believe me, no one can trump you two when it comes to stupidity and complete ignorance right now!" Magnus snapped at them. Then he turned towards Clary with as much empathy as he could find. “You know him best, Clary. What would he want?”

“This is total bullshit. We’re not doing this. Period,” Alexander hissed, shook his head unbelievingly and glared at Raphael with pure contempt. “I suggest you get out of here before the sun or I deal with you instead.”

Alexander left immediately after and Raphael didn’t say anything to that. His gaze merely lingered on Simon for a few seconds before he got a hold of himself. But Magnus noticed anyway and knew very well what it meant. Raphael had left too early and now here they all were, facing consequences. While Magnus didn’t doubt his reasons for leaving were valid, he understood why it couldn’t be forgiven so easily. At the same time, however, it couldn’t have been more obvious that the latter wanted to do anything but leave right at that moment. And it wasn’t just for keeping his clan out of this. No one could convince Magnus otherwise.

Which was why he was going to do whatever it took to prevent that. “I’ll talk to him. Don’t go anywhere,” he claimed and followed the Shadowhunter upstairs.

 

* * *

 

Alec stormed out of there with completely shuffled thoughts. He made his way to the monitors, going through multiple things and trying so hard to keep his head in the game. But in truth, he had no idea what he was doing. And it was irritating him beyond imagination.

Because he'd been trained for situations like this, for even worse and yet here he was on a clear edge, struggling far more than he would like to admit.

"...Alexander?" he suddenly heard and raised his head, doing everything he could to put all those thoughts to the back of his mind.

"Yeah?" he replied, not lingering on the man before him.

"Could we talk?" Magnus questioned and Alec froze for a split second. Talking was honestly the last thing he wanted to do. Especially when he'd already expressed his opinion and was unlikely to change his mind soon. He could say no, but how would that make him look?

So he sighed as subtly as was possible and nodded. “Not here. Follow me.”

Magnus didn’t protest. No one needed to know they had one vampire and one in transition down in the basement. It was a relief that Alec didn’t even need to address it. But then again, he knew very well this was the easiest part of that talk which was why that relief didn’t even reach his ankles.

He led him to an empty hallway near the rooms. It was late. Most of the Shadowhunters were either on the mission in the field, guarding the Institute or already asleep. They were safe there.

“So what did you want to talk about?” he asked and slightly lifted one of his eyebrows. “If this is about helping you with Simon’s transition, hold your breath. I’m not planning on changing my mind about it.”

“But why do you consider it as such a bad idea?” Magnus gently questioned.

“Because it’s a terrible idea.”

Magnus frowned. “And would it be equally terrible if Simon were to become a werewolf instead?”

Alec slowly blinked in thought. “That’s different.”

“Just because vampires feed on blood? Werewolves kill too, Alexander.”

“I know that.”

“Then what’s different?”

For a split second Alec’s eyes dared to wander to the warlock’s and although they didn’t linger, he managed to spot something there. He couldn’t explain what exactly it was but for some reason, it made him believe that Magnus wouldn’t judge him no matter what came from his mouth.

Part of him wanted to let the idea of telling him the truth completely sink in, but the other never let it. Because he would always come back to the previous night. Images of Simon whimpering and shuddering in pain and clear panic were popping up in his mind without any heads-up and any signs of ever stopping. That night he was truly scared. He hated to admit it, but it was the truth. The very one he couldn’t exactly tell anyone about.

People might laugh, judge and start doubting him. They would never forget it. When it comes to things like this, people rarely forget. They use it to their advantage instead. Just so it would hurt even more. And no matter how hard Alec tried, he would never figure out why.

But one thing was for sure - he never wanted to find himself so cornered and scared again. And Simon didn’t deserve that either.

“I just don’t think he’d be able to take it,” he claimed and shrugged like he didn’t care when in fact, he cared too much for his own good. There were times when he’d wish to be able to show it, but this was not one of them.

“No one is able to take it at the beginning, Alexander. The difference is whether you find a way to live with it.”

“Are you even listening to yourself? We’re talking about drinking human blood to survive for the rest of all eternity. Only a monster can live with that.”

“Do you see me as a monster?” Magnus asked.

Alec spun his head quickly to look at him. “No!” Only then it struck him how sad those brown eyes before him suddenly were. “You’re different.”

“Just because I’m a warlock and not a vampire?”

“Yes,” Alec snapped back without thinking before he mentally slapped himself right after. Why was it so hard to think clearly? Why were the circumstances so visibly messing with his head? Why was it getting harder with each running second?

“No,” he corrected and ran a hand through his hair, searching for words that would fix this, but nothing came. And that was beyond frustrating.

“Do you really think that every warlock wants to do good? Or a werewolf or a seelie? It’s not that simple, Alexander. I’ve witnessed more monsters than I can count throughout my whole life and if those were just vampires, I’d have never been here with you, telling you this. Anyone can become a monster. Warlock, vampire, werewolf, even mundane. Just like anyone can do good if they want to. There’s no pattern. One doesn’t simply determine the other and it doesn’t exclude the other either. As a Shadowhunter, you should know that very well.”

Alec lowered his head in shame. No one needed to tell him what Magnus meant by that. The threat of Valentine Morgenstern wasn’t something a person would forget in near future or ever. And even if they managed to stop him any time soon, it would drag after them forever.

But that was just partly on his mind. His distrust towards others had been part of him since he could remember and only members of his family were the exception. While he knew perfectly that Downworlders weren’t heartless demons he had to fight almost every night, he couldn’t ignore that demon blood was a part of them either. It was beyond pathetic. It should hold no meaning whatsoever and he knew it. But he couldn’t bring himself to erase those thoughts from his mind. No matter how hard he tried.

No one had ever demanded from him to change this about himself so he never had. Until he'd met Magnus and Raphael, his interactions with Downworlders weren't a simple routine for him. But he remembered every time he'd heard about some vampire going on a killing spree without any remorse. And that was just all he could think of anytime someone mentioned those creatures. Every time he looked at Raphael, it was hard to unsee it. And it troubled him he would one day look at Simon that way.

"I understand why you worry so much," Magnus suddenly broke him out of his trance. "But I assure you that at first, it's hard for everyone no matter what you've just become. I wasn't always good in what I do either. I had my struggles, but it got easier with help. And Raphael wasn't thrilled at first either. On contrary, he couldn't have been farther from that. But he managed to find his way to me and now he's helping others. Just like me."

Alec couldn't help but snort at that bitterly, ignoring all his doubts he'd previously had. "I hope that's been working out better for him than it did with Simon."

"He did his best, Alexander," Magnus pointed out and although it was a simple sentence, it caused Alec's world to come to a sudden halt. And even his skepticism managed to finally slip through his grasp. Because he remembered how he said this the day before. How hard he'd tried to make Jace believe him that he'd indeed done his best. And no one had believed him but Simon.

Now he was the one not listening, not even trying to see it from a different point of view and just stubbornly sticking to his own. Part of him still hated Jace for that. And the other now hated himself alone. For stooping so low so quickly and without a problem.

Of course, he still had his doubts. They weren't going away any time soon. But Magnus knew Raphael and if he really trusted him with this, maybe it was justified. Maybe that trust was deserved. And maybe just maybe, that was enough even for him.

"This decision is hardly up to me. If you really want to do this, you should focus on convincing someone else," he claimed coldly and crossed arms over his chest.

"Your opinion matters just as much," Magnus emphasized.

"Why? I didn't even know him."

Magnus smiled warmly at that. "And yet you were willing to do anything in your power to save him. That's only one of your many traits people should envy you."

With that said, Alec dared to found Magnus' brown eyes again and lingered, searching for trails of lying, of a sham, but none were there. Just pure sincerity was all he could see there. And as soon as he realized that, he could feel slight heat reaching his cheeks.

He ducked his head in embarrassment as it struck him that he was blushing and cleared his throat. What made him even more flustered, however, was how Magnus kept smiling at him even after that. But he could no longer take it as his paranoid thoughts were all that was on his mind. Even though Magnus' smile seemed genuine, Alec refused to believe it and regained his heartless posture back, determined to stick to it better.

"Do what you must," he concluded and without saying anything else he left and got back to his duties. And this time it actually was easier to focus on them.

 

* * *

 

Magnus returned to Raphael after that. Although the memories of his talk with Alexander were keenly reminding him of their existence, he shook them out like they were nothing without realizing it immediately as he laid his eyes on his vampire friend.

He was alone. Just him and what was left of Simon’s once full-of-life body. Normal people wouldn’t find Raphael’s grim expression special in any way, but Magnus knew better. And even though he couldn’t exactly see to the latter’s head, he knew him well enough not to be fooled by this.

“How did it go?” Raphael asked without lifting his gaze to look at him.

Magnus sat down next to him. “Not so well, but for what it’s worth, you have his blessing.”

Raphael rolled his eyes. “You’re so sure about me preferring to bring him back.”

“I’m sure about you doing the right thing no matter what it is,” Magnus reassuringly claimed and let the corners of his mouth quirk into a slight smile. “But we don’t have to talk about it, Raphael.”

“You’re right. And you don’t have to constantly defend me.”

“I don’t have to stand their insults towards you either.”

“Drop this, Magnus. I can take their insults just fine. So just stop or you might blow your chances with that Shadowhunter.”

Magnus’ head spun around to face the latter with widened eyes. “Do you seriously think that’s what’s bothering me right now?”

Raphael shrugged, still refusing to meet his eyes. Why was it so hard for him to believe that someone honestly cared about him? Magnus might’ve been on this earth for much longer than Raphael, but one thing was for sure - after Raphael had become a constant in his life, there was no way Magnus would make peace with anything less. Which was why he would always try to protect him no matter what. Because he knew what Raphael was truly like and he knew he could take any insults that life would throw at him. But it didn’t mean he would never start believing them either which was troubling Magnus’ heart more than anyone could fathom.

“It should be,” Raphael murmured.

"Well I should be the judge of that, shouldn't I? And besides, since when do you care? You don't even like him."

Raphael rolled his eyes. "I don't care. I just can't understand why you insist on bringing him back."

"I didn't say that."

"Give me some credit, Magnus. You lying to me is just as sufficient as when the roles are reversed and you know it."

Magnus clenched his jaw slightly and sighed as he surrendered. "Fine. But explain to me when you did it before, why do you resent this idea so much now? Why is it so different?"

"Because I've learned my lesson and I know mundanes like him don't want this. No one does. The least we can do is put him out his misery."

"You're saying it like everyone who has turned on your watch has become a monster," Magnus scoffed skeptically and crossed arms over his chest.

"Maybe they did," Raphael concluded and broke the eye contact they held, not even turning his head to look at Simon anymore and Magnus lost all the will to argue about this further. It had never failed to sadden him to see Raphael truly believe that. To immerse into the idea of him being the bad guy, the monster when it was crystal clear he wasn't anywhere near that. Sure, he'd made mistakes, but who hadn't? Magnus had far more reasons to hate himself for things he'd done in the past and sometimes, there were moments when he truly did. Something like that was normal. What was important, however, was to be able to come back from that eventually.

But with Raphael, it was more complicated than that. Because as much as the latter remembered every bad thing he'd done, Magnus knew that part of him couldn't forget he did most of them as a vampire. And when the rest of the Shadow World believed vampires were nothing more than monsters, it was really easy to give in and believe it too. Prejudices could hurt easily but were hard to get rid off even though they weren't as justified as anyone would think.

So yes, Raphael could love his clan and be willing to do anything in his power to protect it, but when everyone else would always look at him with clear disdain and fear in their eyes just because he was a vampire, was there even some way of making him see the truth beneath? Magnus really hoped so and he was willing to do anything to prove that.

"I know you don't believe that. Not fully," he claimed firmly and pointed toward the place where Raphael unmoving heart was hiding. "Somewhere inside, however deep, is a part of you that's hesitant and that's enough, Raphael. It truly is. It's a start."

Raphael shook his head in disbelief. "You heard those Shadowhunters. What could possibly be worse than becoming a bloodsucking vampire?"

"Simon might not see it that way."

"You'd bet your life on that?" Raphael snorted.

Magnus cocked his head and let a smug smile play on his lips. "It wouldn't be the first time. And besides, I'm never wrong."

And right at that moment, Raphael finally chuckled. It was barely audible, but it was still something Magnus could hold onto and come back to whenever he pleased. Because it was those little moments that would always make it clear Raphael wasn't the monster he thought he was. That would always uncover who the latter truly was underneath all those layers. Which was why all moments like this were worth cherishing.

"I've never actually believed that," Raphael admitted, forming a smirk of his own.

"Shame on you," Magnus scolded with all seriousness he could find, but it didn't take long before a smile slipped through his guard which only prompted Raphael to carry on with his amused, warm smile so really there was nothing to complain about. Magnus saw this as a win.

"You know you don't have to be here. I'll be fine," Raphael broke the silence after a few seconds of silence and this time Magnus really did believe him. Because after all these years, that was one of the things he'd managed to learn about the latter. That he might not always be fine, sometimes he might be even miles far away from that, but he would eventually be fine. Always. No matter what.

Maybe it was wrong of Magnus to view it as a certainty, but it was better than constantly wallowing in worries, thinking about what-ifs and maybes. It was all about trust anyway and the kind they shared was hard to break.

"Oh, please, being here in the basement of the Institute with my favorite vampire? I can't really think of any better way how to spend my day," he mused and squeezed the latter's shoulder.

And Raphael didn't say anything to that. There was no possible way he could make Magnus leave and it was only for the best that he realized it so quickly or so Magnus thought. And he really did stick to his words and were there with Raphael, sometimes in silence, sometimes talking, but never minding each other's company, until the very moment the sun finally set and Clary returned with her decision. The only thing left after that was to start digging.

 

* * *

 

"You realize I could just use my magic and do the job for you?" Magnus pointed out as Raphael clutched a shovel and started digging. "Or you could just use your speed."

"It has its own magic to sometimes do things in a mundane way. You should try it," Raphael claimed with a smug smile and threw him the other shovel, which Magnus caught without a problem, but wasn't thrilled about it, to say the least.

"Oh, so you suddenly want my help?"

"Yeah, well, I've been stuck with you the whole day so you might as well make yourself useful for once."

Magnus snorted and dedicated him a death glare. "Easy for you to say because you can't actually even sweat anymore and you're not gonna wake up tomorrow with a huge backache."

"Dios, Magnus, stop complaining. Seems to me your age is starting to rub off you."

"I'm over four hundred years old. If anyone has any right to complain, it's me."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Should I fetch a chair for you? I'm sure your ancient bones would appreciate it," Raphael teased and kept digging without any drops of sweat on the way which just irritated Magnus even more.

"Would it hurt you to treat me with some respect?" Magnus wondered and shook his head in despair.

"I will as soon as you earn it. You raised me that way," Raphael countered and lifted one of his eyebrows in the cocky manner Magnus would recognize anywhere and anytime. Because it would never stop irritating him beyond imagination and yet he was pretty sure that if one day Raphael stopped doing it, Magnus would miss it more than anything.

But at that moment, although he could feel annoyed, this whole situation was bringing him joy unlike any other. Which was why he didn't hold back from giving the latter the satisfaction he craved so much and gripped the shovel in his hand and joined his friend.

Raphael didn't laugh, didn't say anything to the sudden change of Magnus' approach and so the two of them just kept digging.

However, it didn't take long until Magnus was fed up with it. He wasn't tired of course. He wasn't anywhere close to being as fragile as Raphael loved to make him look, but that didn't mean he was okay with activities as plain and as dull as digging was.

Raphael, of course, noticed that right away. "Are you sweating already?"

Magnus scoffed and got out of the incomplete hole the two of them created. "You will want something from me one day and don't think for even a second you will get it so easily after this."

Before Raphael could reply, however, Magnus managed to hear someone coming. It was dark so it took him some time before he could clearly distinguish who it was, but when he did his heart instantly skipped a beat. "Alexander? What are you doing here?"

He looked more tired than Magnus had ever seen him. Like he hadn't slept last night at all. Which seemed more believable than anything else at that moment.

"I just came to check up on you," he murmured and turned his head toward Raphael. "Need a hand?"

Magnus couldn't be more stunned by that and just by a single look at Raphael, who stopped digging to look at the intruder, it was crystal clear he too was surprised by the turn of events although he must have heard him coming at least minutes ago and just hadn't said because why the hell would he?

Nevertheless, it made little sense why suddenly Alexander was so willing to help them with a plan he hadn't wanted to have anything to do with just a couple of hours ago. Whether someone had talked to him and changed his point of view on this or he had done that on his own Magnus didn't know, but it warmed his heart to see him here regardless.

His eyes flew over to Raphael. _Be nice_ , he mouthed strictly and watched as the vampire pursed his lips in annoyance. But it was either that or some cocky comment and it couldn't have been more obvious which option Magnus preferred.

Luckily for him, however, Raphael only complied after that. "Go ahead. You can replace the old man here."

Magnus had to fight a strong urge not to facepalm himself after that. Technically, Raphael lived up to exactly what Magnus wanted from him and pushed all his prejudices toward Alexander away in order to be nice to him. Unfortunately, that didn't mean he had to be nice to Magnus too. That just seemed to be beyond his capabilities that night and Magnus could only bitterly bite his lips at that.

"I'm not that old," he argued, but Alexander only nodded a little awkwardly without saying a word and Magnus was inwardly thanking whoever was listening that the Shadowhunter didn't think of looking at Raphael again. Otherwise, there was no way he wouldn't have noticed how the vampire's eyebrows were raised questioningly and that was the last thing Magnus needed right at that moment.

So before that happened, he handed Alexander the shovel, who jumped into the hole right after. The silence that took over them was awkward, to say the least, and even though Magnus tried to break the ice from time to time, it was obvious neither Alexander or Raphael were in the mood to talk. After a few more failed attempts, he eventually gave up and let them have it their way, glad beyond imagination that they weren't in the mood to kill one another instead.

 

* * *

 

By the time they were finished, Clary, Jace and Isabelle brought lifeless Simon. Jace carefully put him down into the grave, but before Raphael could start shoveling the ground, he heard a sound he knew very well. That kind which indicated a vampire was coming.

Camille appeared in a split second, demanding to have the mundane handed over to her immediately, claiming he was her property.

Raphael really couldn't believe it. You think you can't hate someone even more, but then life keeps surprising you with moments when you realize that you, in fact, can and very easily. That was how Raphael felt at that moment. But to be honest, he didn't feel intimidated at all nor did he flinch when the better part of their clan appeared on the graveyard by her side. Or at least that was what she thought.

But they knew what she'd done. What she'd been doing the whole time behind their backs. When he'd addressed it, she even claimed she'd done all that for them. _But at what cost_ , Raphael wondered and could not simply ignore. Because they were the ones paying for her mistakes and it was too late to rectify it. She'd crossed too many lines. No more.

At some point, seeing her so desperate brought him a small amount of joy. But relishing in it would only mean he was capable of stooping so low and of being just like her. There were already many things he didn't like about himself. Adding that to the pile would just mess him up even more.

She ordered the vampires to take Raphael and Simon with them but was left empty-handed when no one moved. For some reason, she still wasn’t able to take it seriously. Raphael knew that much when a taunting chuckle escaped her lips. He used to be afraid of that sound. And more than anything he’d wished to understand why it was so easy for her to be like this. He’d never had. Now he was grateful for that.

“It’s over, Camille,” he announced coldly.

“And who’s going to lead you?” she asked the vampires before pointing her finger at Raphael. “Him? He will bring you to your end. He doesn’t even know how to lead.”

Raphael’s gaze didn’t falter, but he wasn’t the one who broke the silence after that. For hopefully, the last time, Magnus reached for the honor.

“If you really think that, then you haven’t been paying any attention at all,” he said as casually as possible, but Raphael refused to let that fool him. Magnus might have gotten over her, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t care anymore. And Raphael respected that and was very glad that all those feelings Magnus had been rather hiding deep inside didn’t intervene, didn’t stop anything that followed next. It was the right thing so at least something good had come of that mundane’s death.

Camille tried again to talk her way out of this, but the vampires merely glanced at him, waiting for the approval. Once they’d gotten it, nothing was holding them back as they surrounded Camille in the split second, giving her no room to escape, and took her away.

Raphael then claimed they could continue and looked at his best friend right afterward. Magnus kept staring at the place Camille had been standing mere seconds ago.

“Are you okay?” Raphael asked, which seemed to do the trick as Magnus lifted his head almost immediately.

“Of course. Don’t worry about me,” the warlock replied with a reassuring smile and squeezed Raphael’s shoulder. And that was it. Raphael could insist on digging more to it, on addressing the problem he knew perfectly had always been there. But instead, he stayed silent, nodded and watched as Magnus glanced at Alec, who was just aimlessly staring at the ground. Magnus moved to stand beside him and Raphael focused rather on burying the mundane, but his superhearing remained on guard, listening to everything he considered important. And as foolish and pathetic that might make him look, the conversation that followed between Magnus and Alec was one of them.

 

* * *

 

“Hey,” Magnus broke the silence with a weak smile decorating his face. He had no idea what to say exactly. He hadn’t really had the time to figure something out, but it was still better to improvise than to stay silent or so he thought.

Alexander only nodded in reply, never glancing anywhere else but the grave.

“You know, it’s okay to be angry. It’s even better to let it all out then suffocating it inside.”

“I’m fine,” Alexander denied coldly.

“You’re not fine, Alexander. You have every right to mourn him. Even Raphael isn’t fine and he thought of Simon as nothing more than a pain in his ass.”

Silence followed right after when Magnus had nothing else to do than stare the latter down, trying so hard to read him somehow. Even with his age and experiences, it wasn’t always so easy. But with Alexander, he’d managed to spot one very crucial thing. Self-blame.

“It’s not your fault, Alexander,” he stated as firmly as possible, resisting the urge to reassuringly place his hand on the latter’s shoulder.

“You’re so sure about that,” Alexander snorted, “but the truth is, everything might have turned out differently if I had stayed with him.”

“But you couldn’t have known that.”

“Well I should’ve known,” Alexander snapped now fully glaring on Magnus who let all those words sink in. And it was hurting him to know Alexander thought this, that he wasn’t able to forgive himself for that even though he was hardly to blame. Seeing all that remorse and self-hatred made Magnus only yearn to have the power to push it all away. But Alexander wouldn’t appreciate it if he tried it now. Because there were many things Magnus still didn’t know. And it was essential to know them. Nothing good couldn’t have been accomplished without them.

“I don’t get it,” Alexander suddenly broke his train of thought. “Why are you here? I get that you’re here for him, but... why do you keep talking with me? Why do you care?”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“I might not be as old as you are, but I’ve come to realize most people rarely do things without wanting anything in return.”

“Good thing I’m not most people.”

“Then what do you want from me?”

“I just want to help you, Alexander.”

The black-haired Shadowhunter lifted his eyebrows, unimpressed. “You don’t even trust me. You don’t trust any of us.”

Magnus got taken aback, trying to figure out what exactly had caused the latter to think that way. He’d been nothing but understanding so where had he gone so wrong?

A few seconds later an idea managed to strike him as his eyes flew over to Raphael. He remembered the conversation they’d shared just before Raphael had left perfectly, which was why he didn’t need to wonder anymore.

But in the end, he decided not to confront the latter about it nor did he dare to use that to his advantage and accuse Alexander of not trusting him either if he really had had the need to eavesdrop on him. There were urges and temptations, but Magnus pushed them all away. Because that’s what who he was. And also because that wouldn’t make him any more trustworthy.

But before he could say anything else, he noticed how sadly Alexander was looking at his parabatai, standing by Clary’s side and comforting her any way he could. It was the same look Magnus remembered seeing right after they’d all gone to that demon for Clary’s memories.

When Alexander noticed him staring, all helplessness and sorrow within got shut down as he glared at him. “You want to help me? Then just leave me alone.”

He didn’t leave completely, just enough to convince Magnus he wanted to be left alone at that moment. And Magnus refused to push him further.

He just made his way back to Raphael who was just finishing his work.

“Did you grow tired of your Shadowhunter already?” the vampire teased without looking up to meet his eyes. Not that Magnus needed him to because he knew exactly what kind of smirk he would see if the latter did look up.

He could also try to behave like that offended him, but how would that make him feel any better? Returning that favor one day on the other hand could. And he had all the eternity for it.

“He’s just playing hard to get,” he said instead and this time Raphael lifted his head. There was no smirk in sight, just a weak smile decorating his face instead. It held that kind of sorrow to it which tempted Magnus to forget about the fact Raphael would always eavesdrop on him. But Magnus wasn’t willing to give him that satisfaction.

Raphael’s words, however, turned that around immediately. “It’s a good thing you’re hard to defeat, then.”

Magnus couldn’t fight the small smile clinging to his lips as this words resonated through his mind. He didn’t say anything to the latter afterward and no words were needed either.

 

* * *

 

Raphael found it impossible to focus. People all around him were talking, but he couldn't care less about what. Because his mind would always wander off, trying to figure out what exactly he was supposed to say to the fledgling (calling him mundane seemed irrelevant at this point) once he woke up.

But the truth was, he could spend hours trying to figure that out and never come up with anything that would seem right. Because nothing was right. He was going to lead an immortal life, drinking human blood to survive. What on earth would make that right? Or normal?

Nothing. He just had to find a way how to live with that and Raphael wasn't sure if he was capable of helping him find it.

All these thoughts vanished as soon as the ground beneath their feet started to shake. As he grabbed the bag he'd brought there, all Shadowhunters and Magnus were already surrounding the grave.

"It's happening," he announced. And after that, it was only a matter of seconds before one hand managed to come to the surface and the rest followed too. What was once just a lifeless reminder of what the mundane used to be had now come back to life. Or at least that was how everyone would usually see it during the first few seconds. A complete illusion. Not Raphael, however. He'd witnessed transition so many times already that he could already tell the difference just by single look at him. And this time it was the same.

He didn't wait for anything though. He took two blood bags, ready to give him what was necessary and secretly hating this had become such a routine for him.

"Simon," Clary Fairchild spoke, her voice trembling. "Simon, it's me. It's Clary."

"Get back," Raphael warned, knowing too well how the fledgling's last memories of her could affect him. But she refused to listen. The blonde Shadowhunter only pulled her back when Simon hissed at them like an animal.

"Once reborn, you emerge hungry," Raphael explained and threw the blood bags right to where the fledgling was lying. "Very hungry." From the corner of his eye, he'd managed to spot both Alec and Magnus. The black-haired Shadowhunter watched with horror in his eyes as the former mundane drank every drop. He'd never flinched, he just kept staring and Raphael had to admire that.

Magnus, on the other end, was looking at Alec and not on the scene before him with worry written all over his features. Raphael could see the latter wanted nothing more than to comfort the Shadowhunter but thought better of it after everything that had happened that day. Then Magnus noticed him watching and lifted his eyebrows, asking that one question Raphael knew perfectly and hated with all his heart. _Are you going to be okay?_ Raphael only nodded at that. Because he had to be okay. No matter what.

After that, the fledgling finally managed to get back to his senses. "Clary?" he gasped, breathing erratically even though he physically didn't need to anymore, as he looked up. "What's happening?"

"You, um... died," Clary replied with tears in her eyes.

"I what?" he questioned and looked down at the empty blood bags before him and lifted one up. "What's this?" As the realization struck him, he jerked back and threw it away. "That's blood!"

"Simon, listen to me," Alec suddenly spoke up, made one step forward and slightly raised his hand. "You need to keep it together now more than ever."

But the fledgling acted like he couldn't hear him as he opened his mouth and touched the very one thing he'd feared more than anything was there - his fangs.

"Oh my-," he tried but nothing more came out of his mouth. And wouldn't for some time. "Why can't I say-"

"God," Raphael took the initiative, causing the latter to look right at him with fear all over. "It'll take time to regain the ability. There's a lot you'll need to learn."

"Oh, my-" Simon tried one last time out of instinct and punched the ground with pure rage as it struck him he couldn't. "Damn it!"

A single tear streamed down his face as he looked back at Clary. "Am I... Am I a vampire?"

Clary slowly blinked in sadness and that spoke volumes. Even though Simon refused to believe it.

"No, tell me this is not real! Tell me this is not really happening!"

"It's going to be okay, Simon," Magnus tried gently.

"How can you say that? How can any of you say that? I've just downed two blood bags and I'm still fighting the temptation to slit all your throats! How could any of this ever be okay again?"

"We'll figure it out, alright?" Clary countered, but her eyes spoke another story. She was terrified. The way Raphael saw it, everyone was at some point. But the looks the Shadowhunters were dedicating differed from his own and Magnus’. And behind all that sorrow and pity, fear and judgment could also be spotted. And slight disgust. And just by single look at him, Raphael could tell that the fledgling could see it too.

Raphael had adjusted to it a long time ago. He'd never exactly made his peace with the fact how often pure contempt was the only thing he could see in eyes of people around him, but it was no longer something that would catch him off guard. And sometimes there were days he couldn't even bring himself to care.

At first, however, he'd cared too much and that had damaged him beyond repair. And he hated more than anything how unavoidable it was for everyone who had become a vampire whether out of their own free will or against it.

"You're still the same, Simon. I know you are," Clary whimpered.

"You don't believe it yourself. None of you do! So why the hell should I? Just look at me. I'm no more than a monster."

Of all possible options, Simon's eyes decided to aim at no one else but Alec at that moment. Their gazes met for only a split second before the black-haired Shadowhunter lowered it to look at the ground, unable to face him.

And Raphael watched as another made it out of Simon's eye.

"I told you that you didn't have anything to prove," Simon sighed. "I had. And I failed at everything I could."

Alec slowly lifted his head and without saying anything made another step forward.

But Simon was having none of it. "No, stay away!" he warned Alec at first and then everyone else. "Just stay away... please."

And before anyone could say something to stop him Simon disappeared in a split second.

"I'll look after Simon," Raphael promised and ran after the fledgling as fast as he could.

 

* * *

 

He caught up with him almost immediately. "Where do you think you're going?" he demanded as he gripped Simon's arms tightly to prevent him from running away.

"I don't know," the latter gasped and retracted from the touch to look at the window of a truck that was standing nearby. A small amount of hope flickered in his eyes right away. "I can see my reflection, does that mean I'm not... not one of you?"

Raphael gritted his teeth and slowly blinked. "You have a lot to learn."

Simon immediately broke the eye contact they held and walked past Raphael, semi-using the vampire speed and probably not even realizing it. He was completely out of control, which was why Raphael didn't back down and grabbed the latter's shoulder to stop him from disappearing from his reach again. "Listen..."

Simon spun furiously around and shook off his grip. "Don't touch me! I don't have a heartbeat! I'm dead."

"Undead," Raphael corrected.

"You did this to me."

"No, I didn't."

"You really believe that?" Simon scoffed bitterly. "You might not have been the one who bit me and turned me, but you brought me to Camille. And then you stood by and watched even though you knew perfectly what was happening to me. Do the lives of other people really mean so little to you?"

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"You can keep saying that, but it won't change anything. I'm a vampire and it's as much your fault as it is Camille's. You're a monster!"

Raphael remained silent. He could tell him the truth. That he had tried to help him while Simon had been unconscious. Tried and failed. And that was the problem. It wouldn't make Simon's words any less true. Nothing had that power. So what would be the point?

"It's just shame I realized that only after I became a monster myself," Simon spat out.

Raphael blinked and did his best to remain calm. "Look, you gotta get this under control. You are what you are now. We'll get you back to the Hotel DuMort. Get you fed. Show you around your new home."

And this time Simon grabbed him by his shoulders instead. "That place will never be my home." Before Raphael could do anything, Simon threw him against the truck with all his strength, but Raphael refused to let that stop him. He shook off the shock and caught Simon before he could run away, twisting his neck in a split second and letting him fall on the ground.

Footsteps of two people resonated through his ears which was the only reason he wasn't at all surprised when Magnus and Alec made their way there.

"What the hell did you do to him?" the black-haired Shadowhunter hissed as he laid his eyes on Simon.

"Only what was necessary. He wouldn't come quietly otherwise. Or would you rather prefer having a freshly awoken vampire running around the city?"

"And there was no other way of preventing that but breaking his neck?"

"Relax, he's going to be fine. If it makes you feel any better, he's now much harder to kill then he was."

Magnus glared at him. "Ever so comforting, Raphael."

Raphael ignored that comment entirely and crouched to pick Simon up and sling his arm over his shoulder.

"Just make sure you won't let him down this time," Alec sneered.

Multiple thoughts popped up in Raphael's mind after hearing those words. Yet he didn't dare to voice any of them. It was his own desire to help Simon control this so he could fix at least something and ease a little amount of guilt his heart was full of. And if that also meant he wouldn't have to deal with the Shadowhunter anymore, that was a bonus for him. Even if Magnus didn't like that approach.

"Do you need a portal home?" the warlock kindly offered.

"I can walk on my own just fine, Magnus."

The warlock smiled encouragingly. "Good luck then. With everything. And if you ever need me, you know where I'll be."

Raphael nodded and, with Simon tightly in his grasp, vanished into the night, trying his hardest to prepare himself for what was about to come. Even though it was a lost cause anyway. And repeating Simon's last words to him in his head didn't make it any better. But it was the truth and he had to live with it. Yet Simon still had a chance to be different and Raphael was determined to make sure the latter would take it and not come of it as the monster he'd claimed he was. Whatever it took.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cherish every kudos and comment I get with all my heart :)


	8. Adjust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I'm so sorry for taking so much time with updating this. Even more when I say that it's probably not going to get better any time soon considering school keeps me busy. But right now, I can at least give you this. Although I'm very nervous right now. The thing is considering I want Simon to also have some interactions with the vampires from the clan, I decided to add some characters that were not in the show. And I did some digging (because I really haven't read any of the books from this fandom) and just know that those vampires exist and appear in some books, but I will also tag them as original characters because the only thing they share with their book counterparts is their name and maybe appearance. How they act comes from my head. I just wanted to make this clear for everyone. Please don't sue me. It would ruin me XD. Enjoy!

There was silence. As beautifully calming as one could imagine. But then it ended. And as it ended, the chaos stormed in.

Before Simon opened his eyes, he heard it. Cars driving, flies buzzing, a mugging somewhere not far, a woman laughing, people... fucking breathing.

And as he slowly opened his eyes, all those sounds and so many more dropped on him at once. He jerked forward as he sat up and pressed both his hands against his ears. But that made no difference. Those deafening sounds kept gaining on their strength.

He drew his knees to his chest and felt a tear streaming down his face in pain. Somewhere along the way, he screamed in agony, but even that sound got lost in all that noise.

His head wasn't just hurting. It was spinning. Pulsing pain unlike any other he'd ever witnessed, making him feel like it was going to explode.

But then he heard another thing. A dim sound that felt to be barely above a whisper. But his ears still managed to catch it. And even though all this noise was attacking him on all fronts, he gathered what was left of his will and focused on that one tiny sound. Because from everything he could hear, it was the only thing he couldn't decipher.

Slowly, the sound became more tangible until he knew exactly what it was. A male voice.

“Simon, listen to me,” the man spoke urgently and yet so calmly Simon thought he was just making this up. Because it didn’t sound like all these things he could hear at all. It wasn’t deafening or causing his common sense to shrink rapidly. On contrary, it had quite the opposite effect. And he couldn't figure out how that was possible no matter how hard he tried.

His eyes were closed, but even when he opened them, his surroundings were too blurry to decipher. Was he going mad?

“I can't. It's too loud!" he cried out, pressing his hands against his ears harder and harder with each passing second. And yet he doubted it would ever trump the pain he was feeling.

"I know. But you're the only one that can make it stop. Just focus on my voice and nothing else."

Simon pressed his eyes shut and let two more tears stream down his cheeks. Meanwhile, the man kept speaking as calmly as before. And that did wonders.

Simon took a few deep breaths to stabilize himself at least a little and did his best to concentrate on that thing he used as his beacon. And as he was thinking over every single word he heard, more and more sounds were slipping until most of them were beyond his reach.

When the silence restored and the man's voice was the only thing he could hear he slowly opened his eyes, let his hands fall and rest on his knees instead and blinked a few times to clear his vision.

Seeing Raphael before him, however, scattered all that progress away in a second and sent shivers down his spine. Even though the latter was looking at him from the other side of the room, Simon felt cornered, trapped.

He couldn't move no matter how much he yearned to, but that was hardly on his mind. Because his heart refused to jump in fear or a skip a beat like it would always do. Its erratic pace was no longer resonating through his head. Only silence surrounded him and even after what he'd just gone through, the idea itself terrified him beyond imagination.

"Where am I?" he asked, his voice still too weak to his liking, as he lifted his eyes to meet Raphael’s own.

Raphael raised eyebrows as if asking 'Where do you think?' but thought better of it. "Hotel DuMort."

Simon let his head drop. He really had no idea why he'd asked the obvious when his mind was bursting with questions he wished to ask and yet was too scared to do so. Because now that he could finally think clearly, the events from before he'd passed out managed to come back to him.

And with his heart no longer beating, the ability to hear almost anything and to see perfectly even though he was not wearing glasses, how could he possibly believe it was all merely just a dream? It was as real as the hallucinations had been the days before so why fool himself now? He was a vampire. A monster. And there was no coming back from it.

He heard Raphael slowly come closer and place something on the nightstand beside the bed he was occupying. He instinctively lifted his head right after and saw the glass filled with dark red liquor just standing there for him to take and hated everything within him for reacting to it instantly.

The smell struck him with force unlike any other, causing his common sense to shut down all over again. Because at that moment nothing else mattered but the thirst he was feeling. The need to drink its contents right there.

His fangs came out and weirdly enough, he couldn't have been more grateful for it at that moment. Because it was something still so foreign, so abnormal and so damn crazy that it was enough to bring him back to the reality even though nothing seemed possible for him.

And as soon as he did, in the blink of an eye, he flashed to the other corner of the room as far away from Raphael and that glass as possible. "Keep that away from me!"

Raphael remained exactly where he was. "You need to drink it."

A scoff, almost hysterical, escaped Simon's lips. "So you kidnapped me and now you want me to drink human blood?"

"It was for your own good."

"Was changing me into a vampire also for my own good?"

"That is a question you'd have to ask your best friend."

Simon got taken aback by that for a second and furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. "What do you mean by that?"

"She's the one who told me to bring you back as a vampire."

Hearing that stung Simon more than he was ready to admit. The fact he was now this partly because of Clary made him want to be angry. But if the roles had been reversed, would he have really chosen differently?

His lips twitched as he realized he wouldn't have. It wouldn't have been right, but he still would've done it. Because who cared about morals when it came to their loved ones? Not one person he knew.

And yet some amount of rage was indeed boiling inside him and would probably, if left unguarded, burst into something much uglier. For the sake of his sanity that had already been shrinking, he needed to put a stop to it. He desperately needed to see her.

However, as he made one step towards the entrance, Raphael sped to stand in front of him, completely blocking the only doorway in the room.

"Where do you think you're going?"

Simon huffed in annoyance and crossed arms over his chest. "Out. To find Clary"

Raphael blinked a few times, his face expressionless, before answering. "You can't leave, fledgling. Not in this state."

"Are you on garlic or something? Because you must be delusional if you think for even a second that I'm gonna drink... that."

Raphael dedicated him an unimpressed stare. "Well, it's either that or dying of thirst. And I assure you, compared to that, your first death was nothing."

"I doubt it can ever be worse than this."

"You say that now."

"And I'll keep saying that again and again until you finally leave me alone," Simon spat out and took his chances of moving past the man in front of him, but Raphael was ready for that and moved always at the perfect time. Simon desperately hated him for it more and more with each failed attempt.

"What do you think it's going to happen if you go out there right now?" Raphael asked, almost incredulously. "This city is crawling with mundanes with blood pumping through their veins. And if you think that what just happened here won't happen there you really are an idiot. In fact, every minute you keep on refusing to drink blood, the worse it's gonna get. Eventually, you'll lose control and you'll hurt anyone close to you. No exceptions."

Simon ran a hand through his hair and sighed deeply as it dawned on him Raphael was right. He couldn't go after Clary. In fact, he'd been the one who had told her to stay away from him when he'd changed. His self-control wouldn't get better overnight and he should've realized that right away and not make fool of himself in front of the vampire.

The risks were just too high. He couldn't go after Clary, after his mom or Becca. Part of him wanted to believe that he would be able to control himself, that killing them of all people was the last thing he would ever do. But he remembered the strong urge to satisfy his thirst for blood when he'd woken up from that grave too well. No one could ever see him like that. He would rather die than let that happen.

But then he looked around and felt so on edge, so anxious between those walls, in this very building where he'd gotten bitten and ultimately died. Raphael wanted him to stay here, but with all those memories so strictly attached to his brain, there was no way he could feel safe here. That he could consider this a home. Or think of himself as normal. Never again.

So he lifted his head ever so slightly and opened his mouth to say words he himself didn’t know and closed it as an idea popped up in his mind. It was beyond stupid, but at this point, he really doubted his brain could be more scrambled than it already was. His head was still slightly hurting, slightly spinning as he tried to think things through.

But he found himself picking up the glass filled with blood anyway, his hand trembling, keeping him wondering whether it was stress or just the thirst messing with him even more. He'd never actually gotten the chance to figure that out though. Because the second he slowly lifted the glass to his lips, his eyes found Raphael's once again and right at that moment, in a blink of an eye, he spilled the blood on the latter with force unlike any other he'd ever experienced. 

The only thing he remembered seeing after that was how utterly destroyed Raphael's suit had come of it. Because before Raphael could say a single curse word in Spanish, Simon zoomed out of the room not daring to look back.

He might’ve been furthest away from controlling his new powers as possible, but running as fast as he could when fueled by fear was still something he could do. Or at least he thought he could. But that assumption merely bit him in the ass in the end.

Even after fanboying over all speedsters he knew from comics, nothing could’ve prepared him for what it would be like to experience it for real. The world around him got blurry so much he couldn’t possibly focus on what he was seeing. That culminated in him bumping into multiple walls before he even reached the quarters that seemed at least somehow familiar.

However, he refused to let that stop him and kept running as fast as he could, hoping it would get easier with time, but it didn’t. Not right at that moment at least.

Yet the next time he stopped running involuntarily wasn’t because of hitting another wall or a relic, but because someone caught his elbow.

He expected Raphael of course and was left dumbfounded when it turned out to be a woman instead. Asian with black straight long hair. And although she seemed to be merely around nineteen, Simon didn’t let that fool him. Even a glance into her black eyes was enough for him to see what radiated from Raphael’s eyes too. Their look didn’t resemble his own in any way. It was more experienced. More mature. And Simon could only wonder how old this woman in front of him was.

But at that moment, the sheer panic was all he could think of. And yet the woman didn’t glare at him with wordless threats, trying to scare him. She stared him down instead and frowned her eyebrows if ever so slightly, looking more confused than anxious.

“You must be the new fledgling,” she concluded, still holding him tightly.

“It’s Simon,” he hissed and tried to shrug her hold off with no success. “And who are you?”

"You don't remember me?"

"Should I?"

The corners of her lips quirked into a playful smirk. "I suppose not. The first time we met I didn't exactly give you a chance to see me, did I?"

Simon furrowed his eyes in confusion as he started replaying all encounters he'd had with any form of supernatural beings in his head and actually shuddered when he realized he'd had so many. It didn't take him long, however, to remember that Raphael hadn't been alone when he'd kidnapped him. Someone had helped him and now Simon knew who.

Yet before he could say anything to it, Raphael appeared out of the blue with a glare so intense Simon couldn't help but flinch. He even failed to notice the woman had let go of his elbow and turned her attention toward Raphael instead.

"What took you so long?" she asked and crossed arms over her chest.

Raphael lifted his eyebrows as if challenging Simon to say the very reason he knew perfectly. There was no sight of blood anymore. It was like it had never happened. Like Simon had never done something so beyond stupid.

The only difference was that Raphael was now wearing a grey jacket instead of a black one, which was probably gone for good, and was scowling him more than was considered harmless. Simon ducked his head in shame. He really should've thought this through.

"I'm here now and I assure you I've got everything under control," Raphael replied.

"Or you just don't want my help like always."

"I believe Derek was looking for you. You shouldn't keep him waiting."

The woman cocked her head to one side. "Are you trying to get rid of me, Raphael Santiago?"

Raphael rolled his eyes. "Of course not."

Simon couldn't help but snort at that. "Yeah, right."

Raphael turned his head and narrowed his eyes on him. "Even starvation can't shut you up."

"Is this how you treat every fledgling? No wonder he wanted to run away from you," the woman teased.

"You're free to take over whenever you want, Lily."

Lily slowly blinked in thought but shook her head anyway. "I'll keep that in mind. But as you said, I'm needed elsewhere." Then she looked at Simon and formed a genuine smile. "It was a pleasure to meet you, Simon. Welcome to the Brooklyn vampire clan."

Simon didn't reply, he couldn't even smile back before Lily disappeared in a split second. But it wasn't like it made any difference. Because smiling had never been harder.

After a few more seconds, he lifted his head to find Raphael still glaring at him. And the silence surrounding them suddenly felt much more unbearable.

"So... Lily is..."

"My second-in-command," Raphael cut in. It wasn't exactly what Simon was going for, but at least the awkward silence was gone.

"Which makes you the leader."

Raphael narrowed his eyes. "You have a problem with that?"

"Nope, absolutely no problem at all. I mean, Camille was the leader before you and she killed me and probably hundreds of other people. Can't get any worse than that, right?" Simon scoffed but got only another glare in return. So he nervously crossed arms over his chest. "For the record, it doesn't mean you can make me drink blood."

"You made that abundantly clear," Raphael concluded and made one step forward.

Simon's eyes widened and he nervously scratched the back of his head. "Yeah, about that..."

"Save it," Raphael harshly interjected, "and listen to me for once. You may see me and everyone here as nothing more than monsters, but you heard Lily. You're part of this clan whether you like it or not. And if you go out and kill someone, the whole clan will be to blame. Know that it will happen if you keep refusing to drink blood, to learn to control your powers. You're who you are now and you can't change it. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you can leave."

"You just said that I'm part of this clan whether I like it or not."

"I did, but I also know where your loyalty lies. When it comes to Clary Fairchild, you're nothing more than her perrito faldero. A lapdog."

"I'm no one's lapdog!"

Raphael lifted both his eyebrows cockily. "That so? I suggest you stick around and prove me wrong then."

"Maybe I will."

"Haz lo que quieras ( ** _Do whatever you want)_** ," Raphael smirked and headed towards the nearest hallway. "Now follow me."

"Where are we going?" Simon questioned as he caught up with him.

"We're not the only vampires here. I imagine the rest is already looking forward to meeting you."

"Why do I have the feeling you don't mean it at all?"

"It's a mystery, indeed," Raphael concluded and Simon just snorted in response and followed him. The rest of their walk was accompanied by the silence which Simon no longer minded that much. Raphael didn't offer him more blood and Simon could only wonder how long it would take him to give it another try.

The mere idea of drinking human blood was making Simon's skin crawl even though he partly craved it more than anything. A few days ago, pursuing his dreams with music had been his biggest problem. Now, this was his life. And no one he loved could make it any easier to bear.

* * *

 

 

The next thing he knew he found himself sitting on a couch surrounded by vampires on all fronts. Raphael had excused himself earlier, claiming he was needed elsewhere and Simon hadn't pried because even his messed up brain could tell they needed a break from one another.

However, now that he was there Raphael's presence was all he yearned for.

No one wanted to talk to him. No one even dared to come closer and yet he could feel each pair of eyes on him the whole time. And every time he would raise his head, they would quickly look away but Simon knew very well they were watching every unnecessary breath he took and just waiting for him to lose it completely. They didn't trust him and he didn't trust them. How could Raphael expect that would change so easily? When no one was willing to do anything?

Simon desperately wanted to run away. Being the center of the attention was never something he craved and now with all those enhanced senses, it felt unimaginably worse. But he couldn't run away. They would stop him and then what? They would guard him even more and make him feel even more of a freak than he already was. Who would want that?

But then, completely out of blue, someone indeed sat down beside him on the couch and placed his arm over Simon's shoulders like it was the most common thing in this world. Simon couldn’t help but flinch. Unexpected physical contact like that, however innocent, was after all those hallucinations with Camille merely adding up to his anxiety which was already too much for him to handle. And yet he didn't even dare to shrug that gesture off and just stared at the man next to him.

He was thin, stuck somewhere in his twenties probably, with black hair and earring in the shape of a stake on his left ear. And yet the weirdest thing about him was that smile on his face. It felt so natural Simon could only gawp.

"Don't scream, don't ask any questions. I just need a quick favor," the man explained keeping that carefree smile on as much as possible. "A blonde girl will come here. When she does I want you to act like we're having a good time. Can you do that?"

"I'm sorry, but who are you?"

"I said no questions. I will explain later, but right now I need you to work with me, okay?"

Simon's eyebrows furrowed but he nodded in the end regardless. "Okay, but she is a vampire, right? Doesn't that mean she can hear us right now?"

"Not unless you give her a reason to, so now shut up and act as I’ve just told you a good joke."

And Simon left it at that and just did as he was asked, trying to ignore the fact the rest of the vampires were now staring at him even more intently. But at least the man beside him was stealing some of his spotlights which made Simon relax a little and although he'd never been much of an actor, he did his best and laughed, smirked or just smiled with as much honesty as he could find and in the end, it seemed to do the trick.

The blonde girl came and dedicated the two of them a mere glance before walking away and leaving the room they were in.

As soon as that happened, the man slowly retracted his arm and leaned back in the couch, completely relaxed. "It worked. Thanks, man, I really appreciate your help."

Simon remained mildly stunned bur formed a smile anyway. However weak it might have been. "It's nothing." Then he dared to dig deeper even though a part of him somehow anticipated he might regret it.

Because one favor didn't instantly form friendships and this man beside him was a vampire. From all Simon knew, they could become enemies in a split second and who would stand by his side when he was stuck here? Just the air he didn't need to breathe, probably. And yet the idea, however scary, didn't stop him from asking questions.

"What was that about?"

And surprisingly enough, the man didn't scold him. He just shrugged carelessly. "We just had a slight misunderstanding. Nothing serious, though. You don't need to worry about that. I'll talk with her... eventually."

His eyes flitted towards Simon and he cocked his head in wonder. "You're that new fledgling, right? I'm sorry I barged in without any explanation, but you didn't seem that occupied and believe it or not, I figured you're one out of few people here who would actually help me so I took my chances. You don't talk that much, do you? That's alright. Most vampires will appreciate that trait. I'm Jacob, by the way. And you are?"

Simon's eyes widened and he had to blink multiple times to actually let all those words he'd just heard truly sink in. The velocity Jacob used while talking could possibly be compared to his own and yet he still found this whole situation so utterly surreal the thirst for blood faded out from his brain without him ever realizing it.

His whole life he'd been the one talking and talking until everyone would get sick of him and tell him to stop. Now when the roles were reversed, he couldn't help but relish the weird feeling it caused. And yet it wasn't at all bad, just... different and new. But definitely not bad. And it made him relax much easier than he'd expected.

"I'm Simon," he stuttered stupidly, but Jacob's smile merely widened as he lifted his head and loudly exclaimed for everyone to hear: "Everyone, this is Simon!"

Simon instinctively ducked his head in mild embarrassment, wondering whether his cheeks were still capable of blushing or not. But then he dared to look around and while some vampires stopped staring at him after that, some of them retained and even formed a slight smile or just nodded before focusing their attention elsewhere.

And while none of them actually stepped forward to say anything to him, this was enough for Simon for now. Weirdly enough, that and sitting there with Jacob was enough to make him feel less of a stranger.

"Give them some time. They're just shy and too uptight," Jacob concluded and before Simon could react to that, two more vampires made their way to them, sitting on the armchairs facing the couch. One of them Simon already knew. It was Lily from before and a man with dark hair and a stubble. Maybe it was that Derek Raphael had mentioned earlier or so Simon thought.

"Or they were just born in times when the introductions weren't so forward," Lily pointed out.

"You forget that I was born in such times too, but they sucked," Jacob remarked and rolled his eyes. "Besides, it's only for their own good to adjust. Vampires should know that better than anyone."

"Unfortunately, not everyone is as flexible as you, Jacob," the man argued and offered Simon a polite smile. "I'm Derek. Nice to meet you, Simon."

Simon smiled back and shook hands with him.

"You just don't like the fact that Raphael would agree with me on this," Jacob insisted and suddenly frowned as he turned his head toward Simon. "Where is he anyway? Aren't you supposed to be under his wing or something?"

Simon's eyes widened in horror and he ran a hand through his hair nervously. "He's... busy."

All three vampires narrowed their eyes in confusion at him.

"I can look for him for you," Jacob nonchalantly offered and stood up.

"No!" Simon abruptly shouted so loud everyone in the room turned their attention toward them. However, neither Lily, Jacob or Derek seemed to notice that. They just kept staring, unmoving, until Jacob crossed arms over his chest, sat back down on the couch and cocked his head slightly to one side. "What did you do our leader, Simon?"

"He... kind of hates me," Simon murmured and cleared his throat.

"I really doubt that," Derek assured him. "He doesn't even hate Jacob and that itself says a lot about his patience."

"Bite me, D. If there is someone Raphael is capable of hating then it's Eliott and I don't care whether you two are friends or not," Jacob growled.

"Who is Elliott?" Simon wondered.

"An asshole, basically."

"A lot of people could say that about you too, Jacob," Lily teased with a smirk decorating her face.

"I haven't said one mean thing about either of you so far and here you're, conspiring against me for no goddamn reason."

"The day's still young," Derek sided with Lily and dedicated his friend a smug smile.

Jacob rolled his eyes but let that go and turned his attention once again to Simon. "I still want to hear about what you did that Raphael didn't like."

"We don't really have to talk about it," Simon stuttered and nervously scratched the back of his head. "I mean, it's not that kind of a big deal. He might've already forgotten about that." Yeah, right, who was he fooling again?

"First thing you need to know about Raphael is that he doesn't forget. Like ever," Derek cut in. "And it's annoying."

"Second thing is," Jacob joined, "it doesn't get more annoying than hearing him talk Spanish when he knows perfectly we can't understand him."

A slight chuckle managed to escape Simon's mouth before he could stop it and all three vampires noticed instantly and let their smiles widen if ever so slightly. But neither of them addressed it. They just let it slip by, which was why it felt so natural.

A tiny detail like that should have gone unnoticed, but for Simon it was uplifting. And that was what he needed right at that moment. Because he was stuck in a building with vampires he didn't know. And yet these three people couldn't have been farther from the bloodsucking killers or depressed lonely souls he'd read so much about. They just seemed... normal and human even. Thanks to that Simon really felt like he could believe all this. Like he could believe them.

But then his paranoia struck in and made him wonder whether this had been Raphael's plan all along. Whether he'd asked those three people to play nice with him just to get him on their side.

And what would Clary say about it? Would she encourage him to gain new friends or just kept reminding him that he was in a company of possible killers? He wished he'd known and more importantly, he wished he could have hugged her right at that moment. Because every time he'd done that, it had somehow made all his worries disappear. Made the whole reality disappear.

And although no one here could ever replace that, talking with them had come closer to it than he would ever expect it to. So he decided to hold on to that because he couldn't know for sure how much time it would take to feel like that again. So carefree.

Or maybe the thirst for blood was already messing with his head so much he wasn't even realizing it anymore. That was possible too. Either way, he decided to humor those vampires anyway.

"I might've spilled some blood on him and totally ruined his suit," he sheepishly admitted and watched as Lily and Derek fought hard not to chuckle at that while Jacob didn't even think of holding back from laughing.

"You did what? Why?" he demanded, disbelievingly.

"He kept trying to make me drink this glass of blood and I don't know, the idea just kind of popped up in my head and I didn't have time to think anything through so I just went with it and ran away."

"So that's why it took him so much time to catch up with you. His pride got hurt pretty badly," Lily mocked.

"That is just golden," Jacob claimed through laughter and hooked his arm around Simon's neck, who flinched at the contact yet again. If Jacob noticed, he didn’t let that show. "I like this guy. I think you and I are definitely going to be friends."

"Do you?" Derek deadpanned.

"Come on, D, I know you hate when Raphael gets cocky just as much as I do. It won't hurt him to know he isn't always right."

"Says the guy who sides with him almost every time."

Jacob pursed his lips and shrugged. “What can I say, for someone so young he’s incredible at giving valid arguments.”

Simon’s head spun in surprise. “What do you mean so young?”

“Well, he’s not young young like you for example, obviously. But comparing to us, he’s young.”

“You’re all older than him?”

“Did you think it was the other way around?” Lily asked, forming a victorious smirk.

“Well yeah. Not that he looks old or anything. Please don’t tell him I said that. It’s just that he’s so...”

“Uptight?” “Grumpy?” Jacob and Derek said in unison and the corners of Simon’s quirked into a smile when he noticed how Lily rolled her eyes at her two friends.

“I was gonna say so serious all the time, but I guess those two work too.”

“It’s part of the image he has to retain,” Derek explained. “Otherwise no one here would listen to him.”

“But there’s more to him than that. He can be fun too when he wants to be,” Lily defended.

Simon shook his head in disbelief. “I seriously doubt that.”

“That’s alright,” Derek assured and smiled. “Just know that as a fledgling, you can’t possibly be in better hands.”

Simon frowned, still unconvinced. No matter how genuine their words seemed, he couldn’t bring himself to believe them. What he knew about Raphael couldn’t possibly be compared to what they knew. He was aware of that. But Raphael and Lily had kidnapped him. He’d delivered him to Camille and left them alone without feeling any remorse.

He might’ve helped him escape afterward, but what did it matter when it was too late? Camille’s blood had already been in his system and Simon could only wonder whether the latter had suspected this would happen and just let it.

Then it struck him how gullible it was to believe otherwise. He’d been Camille’s second. If someone knew what she was capable of, it was Raphael. And he’d let her feed him her blood, then he’d stood by and let her kill him. And no matter how nice Jacob, Derek or Lily seemed, it would always feel like a sham, pure pretense. No matter how genuine their words about him were, Simon couldn’t bring himself to believe them. Because Raphael could’ve stopped this mess all along and he hadn’t.

None of them had.

"Has Raphael already showed you around?" Jacob suddenly asked.

Simon blinked multiple times and innocently shrugged. "Not yet."

"We better fix that then. Come on," the vampire claimed and all three of them stood up with those smiles still decorating their faces. Weirdly enough, Simon still didn't manage to get tired of them. Although part of him wanted nothing more than to keep his distance as much as possible, he decided to play nice in the end. Because he knew it would be easier that way.

And as they were walking Jacob couldn't help but point out: "Since you've managed to hurt our leader's pride so nicely, I guess that means you're still ditching blood, aren't you?"

"Of course he is," Derek snorted. "Didn't you notice how pale he is?"

Jacob rolled his eyes. "In case you haven't noticed, we're all pale here. Am I really supposed to distinguish when is someone averagely pale and when they're super pale?"

"Just ignore them," Lily cut in with a reassuring smile. "Take all the time you need."

"That's what I was going for before Mr. Know-it-all here interrupted me," Jacob remarked, throwing his hands around in mild frustration.

Derek couldn't help but scoff. "Sure you were."

Jacob narrowed his eyes at him. "You know, D, sometimes I really do believe you and Elliott deserve each other."

Derek stayed silent after that, but it didn't escape Simon's attention how his head lowered if ever so slightly.

They didn't manage to cross paths with this Elliott even after Simon saw possibly every single room he needed to see. So wondering about what was their deal (Derek's deal mostly) with him was yet another thing that could linger in his mind. Not that he minded of course. If it meant it would keep his mind occupied from thinking about blood, then it was a small victory for him. And he needed those now more than ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm also sorry for not including Alec or Magnus in this chapter if you wanted to read more about them, but they have their own drama going on and this chapter was already too long so better luck next time. Kudos and comments are everything of course and I would really love to know what you think about our three friendly vampires. I'm really sorry if they were boring or annoying for you. I'm so sorry for so many things apparently XD.
> 
> If you want to say hi to me, maybe hit me up for an update to this story, here's my [tumblr](http://measurelessdreamer.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Also when it comes to Raphael's Spanish, I promise I'll do my best but I don't speak this language (unfortunately) so please bear with me XD.
> 
> See you guys next time!


	9. Accept

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This air between us is getting thinner now  
> Into winter now  
> Bitter-sweet  
> And 'cross that horizon this sun is setting down  
> You're forgetting now  
> It's time you let me go  
> Let me go
> 
> \--Linkin Park, I'll be gone--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back after less than a month! That's progress right there! And I have to say I'm very grateful that you all accepted the three vampires I created! It really made me so happy. Now when it comes to this chapter, watch out for angst which I already regret putting there but oh well, this is how my brain wants this story to go so we'll just have to go with that I guess XD. I hope you'll still enjoy whatever mess I'm creating here though! Forgive me if this chapter seems chaotic and too rushed, but I really wanted to get it off my chest.

Raphael couldn’t find it within him to sleep. He technically didn’t need it as much as mundanes did, but that didn’t mean sleep wasn’t enjoyable for him. Now, however, it was beyond his capabilities. Every time he closed his eyes, the fledgling’s words came back to him and made him feel horrible all over again. So after a few failed attempts he just stopped trying and decided to guard the latter instead, aware he would wake up soon anyway.

But as he was waiting, his mind once again wandered off exactly the way he didn’t want it to. Lily would scold him for even considering those words were true and yet here he was, replaying them in his head over and over again until they would become natural for him. And then what? Would that make him Camille?

Thankfully, when Simon woke up, there was no time left for thinking this through. Then only his patience and self-control were having a hard time. Although Simon wasn’t at all the worst thing he’d had to deal with in his mundane or even vampire life, his irritation was more than evident. While he wasn’t at all running low on jackets, Simon had already damaged so many of them Raphael was really about to consider this personal.

But when Simon had spilled that glass of blood on him and run away, Raphael merely scoffed. He hadn’t seen that coming, but then again, he’d gone through much worse. Although he was pissed off and annoyed, he was amused too and instead of silencing the fledgling once again when he clearly had the power, he decided to relish in the fact no one had seen them. Jacob especially would never let that one go no matter how lame it would eventually come to be.

Raphael knew very well that when he’d left Simon to go fraternize, Jacob would find out about it eventually anyway, but still, hearing about it wasn’t the same as witnessing it with their own eyes.

And here he was, watching from afar how easily had Jacob, Derek and Lily become the center of Simon’s attention. Not even an inch of him was surprised by that. It wasn’t like he’d planned it, however. He just knew his friends too well.

And yet he'd expected them to grow tired of the fledgling and hand him to his care after a while, but no such thing happened. Raphael did check on them via his hearing and every time he did, they sounded like they were having a good time, not even considering to put an end to it. Raphael hadn't asked, hadn't demanded this from them, but then again that had hardly ever mattered to them. Maybe that was the reason they were such a good team.

"You're avoiding him," he heard Lily say from behind him. "Worried he will ruin even more things from your prestige closet?"

He scoffed slightly, trying to hide how she, in fact, startled him. "He told you."

"Of course he did. Jacob wouldn't have it any other way," she pointed out with a smile as she came closer to stand beside him. "He's quite bold."

"He's being stupid. I swear if that kid ruins one more jacket-"

"Oh, come on, Raphael. We both know Magnus could help you with that anytime."

"Not without demanding some kind of explanation in return."

Lily chuckled and crossed arms over her chest. "I think in the near future, that might be the least of your problems."

"He's just another fledgling who is too stubborn for his own good. He'll cave in eventually. There's nothing special about him."

"We thought the same about you."

Raphael narrowed his eyes. "He's nothing like me."

Lily shook her head, amused. "You and the point will never be friends, will you?”

Raphael rolled his eyes, but before he could say something a sound he’d been expecting to hear the whole day suddenly found his way to his ear. But instead of hearing any words, the fledgling’s scream was resonating in his head.

His eyes met with Lily’s for a split second before he zoomed out of there as quickly as he could, knowing she’d heard it too and was right behind him.

 

* * *

 

When they found him, only Jacob was by his side, holding him down and trying so hard to help him somehow, but the damage was already done.

Simon was lying on the ground, squirming and grunting in pain, with severe burns over his hands and face. The clothes he was wearing, however, remained pretty much the same which meant he couldn’t have been in reach of the sun for long. But the burns were still there, unlikely to start healing any time soon.

Raphael growled under his breath. He should’ve seen this coming.

“How did this happen?” he demanded and noticed how even more vampires appeared. They were alarmed, but as soon as they saw him they relaxed and left when he wordlessly hinted they weren’t needed.

Jacob remained exactly where he was, still holding Simon down with worry evident in his eyes.

Raphael came closer to sit down next to them, thoroughly inspecting the burns. They weren’t at all that serious, but just by a single look at the fledgling, it was crystal clear it had to hurt like hell. Especially when you hadn’t experienced pain like that before.

“I swear I looked away one time and then he wasn’t there. For a fledgling who’s been ditching blood, he’s really fast,” Jacob explained.

“Where’s Derek?”

“I told him to go take a nap. He looked tired.”

Raphael didn’t say anything after that. His head was too fed up with Simon’s groans of pain which were reminding him of that night he’d tried to help him and failed.

Replaying those moments in his head hurt. Even though he hardly knew the fledgling, it didn’t stop the pain. Because he knew what it was like to go through this unwillingly, to have so much on your plate. To just fight back relentlessly because you have no other choice.

Needless to say, it wasn’t a nice fate to have. And there was not a single person Raphael knew who would deserve it in his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Raphael,” Jacob broke him out of his thoughts.

Raphael nodded, keeping his eyes on the fledgling. “Luckily, you were there in time to pull him back inside. Otherwise, it would’ve been much worse.”

“Is there anything we can do?” Lily asked with clear concern in her voice.

“Take him to his room and don’t leave him until I get there."

And Raphael left it at that before he made his way to his own suite because he trusted both Jacob and Lily knew how important it was not to leave the fledgling completely alone. It wasn't because Raphael was afraid he would try to run away again, the latter was already in such a pure state both physically and emotionally that there was no chance he would pursue his escape again. Certain vampires here, however, did make him worried.

Because while Raphael would go to great lengths to protect everyone in this very building, there were vampires who would never share the sentiment much less approve of him as their leader. It was not surprising that all those vampires were Camille's sires just like Simon was. Which meant they would either try to convince him to join their side or make him pay for saying no. Raphael wasn't going to let either of those options happen and this time he was determined more than anything not to go down in flames.

 

* * *

 

Simon was still whimpering by the time Raphael came back, but it finally wasn’t as insufferable as minutes ago. Raphael dismissed both Lily and Jacob and made his way to Simon’s bed, inspecting the burns once again. They’d already started healing but at a much slower pace than he would like. Just because his body wasn’t getting what it needed.

Weirdly enough, Raphael wasn’t mad about that. He himself hadn’t been too willing the first time, but he’d eventually understood there was no other way. Or no other way he was ready to take.

Simon would understand this too even if Raphael had to beat him to it. But for now, even though those wounds had made Simon weaker, Raphael decided to let it slide and pulled out an ointment Magnus had made for him and those fledglings who were just too stubborn for their own good.

And as soon as Simon spotted it, his eyes narrowed. “What’s that?”

“A gift from Magnus. It won’t heal the wounds, but it should ease your pain,” Raphael concluded and dipped a handful of his fingers into the substance.

Simon winced before the tips of Raphael’s fingers could reach him.

Raphael sighed even though he didn’t need to at all because that was just what this fledgling was doing to him. “It’s either this or blood, fledgling.”

Simon twitched slightly but forced himself to relax in the end which was the only permission Raphael needed. And while Simon winced few more times at the cold contact, he didn’t tell Raphael to stop.

Only when all the wounds had been taken care of and the awkward silence surrounded them, the storm was ready to hit them.

“You do realize you’re just delaying the inevitable, right? Even the oldest vampires can prevail for only so long. What makes you think you can do better?" Raphael wondered incredulously.

Simon didn't say anything and merely let his eyes flitter to his burned hands. Raphael could see the latter was still in pain. But that was just it. The ointment was working, but there was only so much it could fix. And emotional hurt was not amongst them.

"It's your choice," Raphael concluded and crossed arms over his chest, "but just know that even a small amount could make those disappear."

Simon scoffed bitterly. "If that's what it takes, then I guess I'm stuck with your voodoo. Unless it's not made of human blood. It isn't, right?"

Raphael rolled his eyes. "Actually, all it takes is not leaving this place when the sun is still up."

"And how was I supposed to know that? When all your windows are covered up and no one would actually tell me what the time was?"

"I have a better question. Why would you even try to run away? After what happened to you, it's only sensible to stay away from mundanes as far as possible. But you keep violating that and now just tell me, if you'd managed to run away, where would you possibly have gone?"

"I don't know!" Simon snapped and placed his hands on his head, entangling his fingers with hair. "I can’t stay. I don’t belong here. And no matter how many nice vampires you send my way, you won’t make it any less true.”

“Not everything is about you. I didn’t send them to make you feel more welcome. In fact, I didn’t send them at all. They did that themselves.” Raphael knew that perfectly. Because when he’d been merely a fledgling, Jacob, Lily, and Derek had done the same to him which had made so many things easier to bear. But it had required time back then, so of course, it would require some now too. His friends were ready for that, however, and he couldn’t help but admire that.

Simon shrugged and let his head lower. “It’s just that so many things are changing at once. I have family out there and I know it’s too dangerous to see them now. But do they even know about me? Because I suppose I could record thirteen tapes where I would explain how and why I died, but I really don’t think that would cover it.”

Raphael rolled his eyes. He figured it was just another one of Simon’s pop culture references which he was probably going to keep hearing for a long time. If the fledgling didn’t get killed again that is. Which was why it didn’t even occur to Raphael to take it as a threat many other vampires would’ve.

“Your friend took care of that,” he coldly stated.

“Really? What did she say?”

“I don’t know the details. But it had something to do with 'pursuing your dreams with music'," Raphael quoted with an amused smirk.

"Great," Simon snorted skeptically. "I'm sure they bought it."

"You can't tell them the truth."

"You think I don't know that?" Simon grunted, throwing his hands around in mild frustration. "They wouldn't even believe me."

"Good. You better keep it that way."

"What does that mean? I'm just... supposed to forget my mom? My sister?"

"You died and came back without telling them anything about it. You changed significantly while they are who they've always been. And not just in a physical way. They will grow old while you stay the same and eventually, they'll be gone. Sooner or later, even your memories of them will fade. Whether you want them to or not."

"No. That won't happen. Not to me."

"Keep telling yourself that. But I suggest you at least consider my offer. We can't possibly replace your loved ones, but the vampires here, they're like a family. And we could be that for you too."

Simon shook his head and scoffed. "You called me Clary's lapdog mere hours ago."

"And I also told you to stay and prove me wrong about that."

"Which would mean something if you actually believed your words."

"Excuse me?" Raphael got taken aback.

"You heard me," Simon firmly stated, slowly stood up from his bed and came closer to stand right in front of Raphael. "Now I might be new to all of this, but I'm not stupid, Raphael. And I know you don't actually want me to be part of this family because you like me or because it's a good thing to do. You said it yourself. That I'm a risk for the whole clan, that I have to be under control. Your control. And frankly, I'm the only one who can actually prove that Camille violated the Accords, right?"

Raphael refused to move. Nor did he dare to show how much hearing those words from Simon's mouth affected him. How completely thrown off guard he suddenly was. This whole situation was already out of his hands so much he felt more clueless with each running second. And he hated that feeling.

"In fact," Simon kept going, "I wonder if this was your plan all along. If you'd just let me die so you could turn the whole clan against her and become the leader."

Raphael slowly blinked. "Do you really think so low of me?" And was it just him or vampires in general?

"You're not letting me see anything else. What other choice do I have?"

"I'm just trying to keep you from getting yourself killed. Again."

"Now?" Simon incredulously questioned what stunned Raphael more than anything else possibly could have. But at the same time, he yearned to defend himself, to say he'd done his best even though part of him was still failing to believe it.

However, in the end, he didn't dare to say anything. Because what did it matter that he'd tried to help if Simon had died anyway? And if it didn't matter to him, to the Nephilim either, how was it possibly going to mean anything to the man before him?

The answer did not find its way to his mind that day because before he knew it, his train of thought got disturbed by sounds of footsteps outside the Hotel DuMort. They belonged to two people. One of them was a werewolf. He would recognize that annoying smell anywhere.

Simon clearly understood this conversation was about to end, but before he could say anything, Raphael's eyes aimed at the entrance door where Jacob and Derek appeared out of blue.

"Jacob, stay here with him while Derek and I take care of that," Raphael ordered already aiming for the door with the previous conversation put to a complete back of his mind.

"Oh, come on. He always gets to come with you. How is that fair?" Jacob whined and slightly pouted.

"He talks only when it's required. You, on the other hand, compromise everything you touch. Besides, today wasn't one of your finest. I'm giving you a chance to fix it. La práctica hace la perfección ( **Practice makes perfect)** ," Raphael smirked and watched as Derek just innocently shrugged before they both sped out of there to confront the intruders.

 

* * *

 

"What's going on?" Simon asked when he and Jacob became the only people in the room.

"Just a Shadowhunter and a werewolf trying to get inside."

"Why? Who are they?"

Jacob frowned and crossed arms over his chest. "I don't know. But I'm going to listen and find out. You're welcome to do the same."

Simon gulped and sheepishly hugged himself, replaying the morning that had been attached to his brain like a nightmare.

Thanks to Raphael, however, some kind of barrier had been created that prevented him from hearing all those sounds and it still hadn't lost its strength. While Simon didn't doubt it was within his power to get rid of it, no part of him wanted to risk feeling like he had that morning again. So lost and helpless.

"I wouldn't know how," he bashfully admitted. "Could you...?"

Jacob didn't need him to say more as he just nodded, offered him a reassuring smile and started repeating the conversation between the four people outside without actually witnessing it for real.

And he revealed so many details that it didn't even occur to Simon not to believe him.

He almost immediately realized Clary and Luke were the ones talking with Raphael, trying to make him see reason and failing. They needed shelter because Shadowhunters were gunning for Clary. Why they didn't say, but it wasn't like it held any meaning to Simon. Because right after he heard all those words, his instincts to help Clary no matter what kicked in.

"He can't just send them away. He has no right!"

"I'm afraid he has all the rights he needs."

"Then we have to do something," Simon claimed and abruptly headed towards the door already too tired to use super speed.

"Whoa, whoa," Jacob cut in and stopped him by catching his elbow. "As much as I like you, Simon, you did kind of run away from me today, which is alright. I get it. No hard feelings. But if you go out there right now, you'll piss off Raphael even more. That is seriously the last thing that's gonna help you and your friends right now. Or me that is."

"I can't just stand here and do nothing, Jacob!"

"I'm not saying you should. Just calm down and think for a second. Remember how you helped me today?"

Simon furrowed his eyebrows in confusion but nodded regardless.

"This is something similar. I can hear them talking without a problem which means Raphael can hear us just as clearly if he wants to. So give him a reason and he'll listen."

Simon sighed exasperatedly. How was he supposed to know what to say? If there was something Raphael had managed to prove so far, it was that he didn't give a damn about what Simon wanted. But then again, maybe that was why Simon got it all wrong. Because he knew the vampire did care even though most of the time he was just trying to convince him of the opposite. Now Simon had a chance to prove it once and for all.

So he took a deep breath to make himself feel at least a bit better. And when he started talking with a person who was not actually there, the word weird got to a completely new level.

"Hey, Raphael, I'm not sure you can hear me, but if yes then just help them. I mean, what harm will it do?”

No answer came, not that Simon expected it or something but even when he glanced at Jacob who was still trying to hint what was happening outside, it was clear Raphael stood by his decision. It no longer seemed like Simon was the only stubborn person here much to his chagrin.

“You want me to see who you truly are? First, you’ve gotta prove there’s more to you than I already know,” Simon confidently challenged and that did wonder almost immediately because it didn’t escape his attention how Jacob was suddenly speechless. He was still eavesdropping, obviously, but he no longer had anything to say and it made Simon nervous beyond imagination.

“What?” Simon asked.

“It’s quiet. I can’t hear anything,” Jacob explained but suddenly furrowed his eyebrows in concentration. “Wait... he changed his mind. He’s gonna provide shelter but only for her. Not for the werewolf.”

However bittersweet it came of to be, Simon couldn’t help but merely shrug because he at least did something. And Raphael finally listened to him for a change. Maybe thirst for blood was shrinking the last remains of his common sense, but at that moment he dared to hope this could work. That he could live there with them and like it.

“We’re a good team, Simon,” Jacob exclaimed enthusiastically lifting his right hand for a high five.

And Simon did high-five him on instinct, only coming to the realization after it was done.

Jacob smiled gently when he noticed how sheepish the latter suddenly was. “I couldn’t help it. No one here does that with me because they think it’s below them.”

“Really? No one?”

“Well, Derek does it with me when I make him, but that’s it.”

Simon’s head lowered sadly. He really wanted to believe this was all genuine and natural, that Jacob wasn’t playing him with this kind masquerade. That this was really what even a hundred-year-old vampire could be.

But no matter how hard he tried the skepticism within couldn’t leave him alone. He’d met people like Jacob before, he’d become friends with most of them and eventually, he’d ended up getting hurt. Every. Damn. Time.

What was even more pathetic was that he’d never learned. Even now he was struggling more than anything. He’d known those vampires for merely a day. There was no reason to trust them and yet he felt like he was inclined to. Like his subconsciousness had already made that decision for him. Even his own instincts to trust people he’d known the better part of his life, like Clary, were starting to wear off.

Because could he trust her? Could he really? When she was one of the reasons this was happening to him in the first place?

Maybe not. But he desperately needed to trust someone. Although it hurt to admit, he needed all the support he could get and if those vampires were offering most of it, maybe it was right to just accept it. And if he came of it even more heartbroken then he already was, it wasn’t like he or anyone else on that matter would care.

He lifted his head back up but remained stunned as soon as he noticed the saddened look on Jacob’s face. “What’s wrong?”

Jacob bit his lower lip and formed a smile in a split second, obviously not even caring how strained it must’ve looked. “Nothing. Raphael just told me you can go see your friend if you want.”

Simon wanted to question him as his whole body tensed again right after he’d been trying so hard to relax. But he was just so extremely tired and fed up with everything that he couldn’t find it within him to even care much less do something about it.

Part of him didn’t even want to go see Clary. The other hoped it would make him feel better, make him stop doubting and wondering. So yes, in the end, he did follow Jacob out of his room, not daring to look back.

 

* * *

 

Jacob let him lead. It was a thrilling surprise that Simon didn’t mind because he knew exactly where to go. He had his doubts of course but there never went a day by without some sort of paranoid thinking on his mind so he just put it to the back of his head and went where his legs were taking him.

And when he got there, Clary was standing there as stunningly beautiful as always. He immediately ran to her and hugged her. Call that pathetic, but he couldn’t help it. She was the first friendly face he’d seen since he’d woken up. Although her guilt in all this still stung every time he looked at her, the hug itself provided him some amount of comfort he needed. If only it had proved to be enough in the end. To forgive and forget.

“I’m so glad you’re okay,” she exhaled in relief.

And just like that Simon’s whole body stiffened all over again and the nice moment was gone. _Okay? How could any of this be called okay?_

“What happened to you?” she questioned in horror when she noticed the massive burns still decorating his face and hands.

“Remember how you once told me I’m a ball of sunshine? Well, turns out the sun and I are no longer such good friends,” he pointed with a weak smile which Clary reciprocated even more weakly.

But before any of them could say anything more, they heard a noise and lifted their heads to the source of it. Simon’s eyes found both Jacob and Derek looking at him with guilt written all over their faces and then there was Raphael with that same arrogant look Simon had already learned to loathe.

He wanted to run out of there, but the energy he still had was no longer enough. So he just let the steel grilles fall down on the ground, imprisoning him with Clary in a narrow cell.

“So this is your idea of protection?” Clary asked, not disappointed at all, just annoyed.

Raphael shrugged. “It keeps you away from my people and my people away from you.”

“Then why is Simon there too?” Jacob questioned.

Raphael didn’t seem to be fazed by his bluntness at all as he slowly turned his head toward him. “Simon’s been resisting. I offered and he said no.”

Simon leaned forward gripping the grilles as tightly as he possibly could, not even hoping they would break under pressure, just trying to find any kind of ease or comfort he craved so much. Then he slowly lifted his gaze to look at both Jacob and Derek. “You knew?”

Jacob scratched the back of his head and glanced down without a word.

Derek pressed his lips into a thin line. “You may not realize it now, but it’s for your own good.”

Simon almost laughed. “Do you really believe that or is it just something Raphael has forced you into?”

"You're hardly being fair, Simon. You don’t know the whole story.”

"That's rich coming from you," Clary scoffed, "since we are the ones locked up when all I did was ask for your protection. How is that fair?"

Derek glared at her. "The Nephilim. Always so well-mannered, aren’t they? Don't try to make me believe you would let a vampire walk freely in your precious Institute."

"We definitely wouldn't lock you up."

"Because having tons of eyes watching your every step is so much better."

"We would treat you with respect!"

Derek couldn't help but chuckle at that. "If you truly believe that, then you must be much more stupid than I initially thought you were."

"Enough!" Raphael firmly stated and smirked on Simon. "As entertaining as this is, I think we should give these two some privacy. I bet they have so much to talk about. Give a shout when you’re hungry.”

“Wait,” Simon more whimpered than commanded and lifted his head to look at Raphael so slowly as it was imaginably hard and it really was.

His stomach was boiling with a rage unlike any other and every smirk Raphael formed was making it even worse. He just wished he hadn’t had to see him after this, but the latter had made him even more dependent on him, even more helpless. Much worse, he was endangering Clary just to prove his point and make him drink blood. All that while claiming it was for his own good.

Simon doubted there was a chance he would ever forgive him for that. Or Jacob and Derek for knowing about the plan and letting it happen anyway.

“You say you want me to be a part of this family. I can’t do that if I don’t trust you, but how can I after this?”

Raphael didn’t even blink. “You tried to run away on Jacob’s watch even after I told you specifically why you shouldn’t do that. I’d say that makes us even when it comes to trust.”

“It wasn’t his fault.” That much his messed up brain still knew even with the bitterness he held inside at the mere thought of those vampires.

However, this time everyone else in the room remained stunned. Both Jacob and Derek couldn’t believe what they’d just heard and Raphael lifted his eyebrows in wonder. Probably no one was expecting him to defend one of them after this, but Simon had always been full of surprises. So much in fact that he surprised himself with this too. But at least he knew he wasn’t entirely too different from the man he used to be.

“Finally something we can agree on,” Raphael concluded after he shrugged off the shock. “But it doesn’t matter whose fault it was. Despite what you think of me, I’m not trying to punish you, Simon. Hopefully, you’ll understand eventually.”

“You can’t leave me here with her!” Simon shouted with clear desperation.

“She’s under our protection. Nothing’s gonna happen to her,” Derek answered with all the confidence he could muster.

“How can I know you’ll keep your word?”

“You can’t,” Raphael countered with a cocky shrug. “You just have to trust us. It’s that simple.” And without another word, he walked out of there. Both Derek and Jacob offered Simon a glance before they followed their leader. The temptation to say something to him was evident, but neither of them had the courage in the end.

And so here he was in a cell with Clary, clinging to the steel grilles like his life depended on it, unable to calm down. Because there was only one thing he could hear after that - Clary's quickened heartbeat.

The sound was resonating through his head and growing stronger with each strike, with each beat. And although he wasn't hearing countless sounds as he had that morning, he felt imaginably worse. Because the need to satisfy his thirst, his hunger, was all he could think of, even though he was trying to repress it with everything he could find. But he wasn't gullible enough to believe that would help him somehow. This was Raphael's plan after all, wasn't it?

But in the end, he had to admit, it did have some kind of silver lining. He finally was with Clary. Alone. He could talk to her about what had happened. Just like he wanted. If he'd known this was Raphael's way of making his wishes come true, he'd have stayed silent forever. Well, probably not, but he would definitely try.

Yet now when he finally had his chance of getting a proper explanation, he couldn't get a single word out of his mouth, nor was he able to look at her. He had the strength of an elephant and yet he'd never felt weaker. Because no matter what he wanted to ask her, he knew he wasn't going to like the answer.

"Simon, please talk to me."

Simon did hear it through the noise but ignored it relentlessly. He just felt so fucking tired.

"Look," Clary tried again, "I understand that-"

"You understand?" he gasped out incredulously. "Clary... I can hear your heartbeat. I can smell the blood in your veins and it's taking everything within me not to cave in. You can't even fathom what that's like."

"You're right, I can't. But I didn't stop you from running away that night and the next time I saw you, you were dead. And Raphael said I could change that so I did. How could you expect me to do otherwise?"

"You don't know who I am anymore."

"You're still the same, Simon. My best friend."

Simon finally turned his head around if ever so slightly. "Am I? You want me to believe you haven't changed at all through these past few days? Do you think my problems are nothing compared to yours?"

"I never said that."

"Well, it seems like you think so!" he snapped and turned his head back away from her and pressed it against the steel grilles. They were cold, but it wasn't like it held some meaning to him now when his own skin was freezing to touch.

"I don't regret making that decision, Simon," Clary broke the silence. "And I never will. You may hate me for it or tear my throat apart, I don’t care. Anything is better than watching you die again."

Then, before Simon could even process those words, Clary made a few steps towards him. He immediately retreated and shouted at her to stay away as tons of images started flashing before his eyes.

At first, they looked foreign and barely made any sense, but the more he focused on them, the more familiar they turned out to be. Eventually, he realized what they truly were. Memories. From the night that couldn't possibly be more blurry in his mind. During the very one he'd died.

They weren't detailed or organized, but then again memories hardly are. But what he saw was enough to understand. He now knew Clary was with him before he'd gone to Camille. She'd tried to stop him and he'd.... he'd hurt her because she'd been in his way.

The realization stunned him to the bones. Back then he hadn't been a vampire, he hadn't really needed the blood, he'd just felt like he had. And he'd attacked her anyway. Without any remorse.

Now his cravings were real and getting worse with each running second. How could he possibly believe he would keep resisting forever? That Clary wouldn't come to any harm when she was so close to him?

He couldn't. It was like Raphael had said. _Eventually, you'll lose control and you'll hurt anyone close to you. No exceptions._

And just like that he made up his mind and shouted Raphael's name before anything could stop him. The man appeared in a blink of an eye with a vampire Simon remembered meeting only vaguely. He was already holding a tray with a jug full of blood and a single glass right next to it. If Simon's brain wasn't so scrambled, he might find it amusing how Raphael was prepared, but like this, he could no longer give a damn. About anything.

"You ready now?" Raphael asked with a smirk decorating his face.

"Yes," Simon kept it short, feeling his whole body trembling uncontrollably. "Please!"

Raphael didn't need any more to be said. "Here you go."

And as soon as Simon realized he was indeed holding a glass filled with blood, he refused to hesitate and drank its contents as quickly as his throat allowed him to, feeling Clary's eyes on him the whole time but then again, so what? This was who he was now. And there was no reversing it.

"It's all about presentation and quality produce," he heard Raphael go on and resisted the urge to gasp at the fact he could finally hear clearly again. Without Clary's heartbeat echoing in his ears. Even the taste of blood wasn't making him sick anymore because he craved it more than anything. Maybe he should've felt horrified by that, but it was better this way. And he had to make his peace with that.

"You see us vampires look after one another," Raphael claimed as he poured him another glass, which Simon took as eagerly as the first one. "We take care of our family."

"Simon already has a family," Clary argued.

"Had a family," Raphael countered looking directly at her. "That's all gonna change now. You're a Shadowhunter... he's a vamp. You two will never be equals." Then his head turned back to Simon. "You'll have to learn that for yourself. Hasta luego ( **See you later)**."

And with that Simon watched the two vampires go as he was drinking the second glass now much slower than the first one. His cravings were peacefully fading. He could finally feel like he could breathe again except he couldn't. Not the way humans could.

He once again pressed his head against the grilles with a loud thump, but it didn't hurt which made him even more furious. To top it he still couldn't say god. All he wanted was to curl up and cry but guess what, he couldn't do that either. Because life was fair that way.

"Simon, please say something," he heard Clary plead but remained bitter.

"There's not much to say," he coldly concluded and turned around to face her. "I get why you did what you did. But it doesn't mean I'm gonna be okay with that immediately."

"And I don't want that from you. I would never want that from you. I know what I did was selfish. But ever since I've found about the Shadow World my life has been upside down. With my mom gone... you and Luke are the only family I've got left for now. I can't lose you, Simon."

Simon blinked for a few times and let his head lower in thought. After a few more seconds he downed the glass to his throat and leaned back on the grilles. "You already did."

Clary didn't say a single word after that and Simon was grateful for it. Maybe he was being too harsh, but even after he stopped counting the hours they spent imprisoned there he didn't start regretting saying those words. Because at some point he did feel like a huge part of him was gone. And he had no idea whether it would ever come back or not.

What was even worse was that many things were still changing. Now that his mind was finally clear, he could finally admit to himself that not even Clary's presence was capable of making him feel better. Not for real anyway. The silence between them was no longer natural but awkward and uncomfortable and so impossible to break.

They might have been in the same room, but he'd never felt farther from her. Where used to be things tying them together was now void he couldn't see the edges of. Maybe it had always been there and he just hadn't noticed it or maybe he'd always managed to fill it somehow before. Right at that moment, however, he was failing.

But it wasn't that simple. Her words, smile, gestures were still able to make him want to soar despite everything. He'd been in love with her since he could remember so obviously, those feelings weren't going to disappear so easily, but after everything that had happened, he felt different. Too different to his liking.

That void actually kept him from soaring. It firmly held him down and surprisingly, he didn't even mind that much. It didn't make him sad as much as it scared him. He'd had those feelings for so long in the same form, just gaining their strength throughout the years. Now when they were changing shapes, however, he had no idea what to do with them.

But he did know one thing. The thought of her and Jace together didn't sting as much as it used to. So maybe there was at least one good thing about this after all. It was just sad that he'd had to become a vampire to realize he had no chance with her. Or with anyone on that matter. Because who would want him now anyway?

"It appears the cavalry has arrived," Raphael's voice suddenly came to the surface and broke his train of thought.

Simon spotted Derek there as the grilles started lifting, but neither of them said anything. He let his head lower instead, not daring to look at Raphael or Clary in any way as he walked out of there without a single word.

 

* * *

 

Magnus couldn't possibly get Alexander out of his head. Or specifically how much the latter was hurting just because he was ashamed of who he was. He could see that every time the Shadowhunters asked him for help. And each time it stung.

Because there was no reason to feel ashamed. There was absolutely nothing wrong with him and if Magnus could, he would spend every second of his immortal life trying to prove that to him. But they still hardly knew each other so what reason would Alexander have to believe him? Yet he could believe people he trusted but for some reason, they weren't even trying. Just acting like everything was okay when it clearly couldn't be farther from that.

So he did look for Jace during his next visit to the Institute and (without telling him about Alexander's feelings of course) asked him to talk with the latter properly.

He should've known better, however, because the next time he popped up there he found out that Alexander was in fact engaged to someone which stung more than he was able to admit. Don't get him wrong, he liked Alexander, but he also wanted him to be happy. He could make his peace with the fact he wasn't the one destined to do that. What was against everything he'd ever believed in, however, was letting the latter marry someone he didn't love.

And so here he was in front of Alexander's room, gathering the courage to knock after he'd stolen (and returned) his stele because the Shadowhunters had asked him to. Yet mere seconds before he lifted his hand, the door suddenly opened and revealed confused Alexander, which Magnus would definitely find cute if he wasn't feeling so down.

"Magnus? What are you doing here?"

He faked a smile and waved his hand. "Just helping out in whatever way I can. I was actually on my way home, but I wanted to talk to you if I may."

"Yeah, sure. What's up?"

"I suppose congratulations are in order."

Alexander furrowed his eyebrows, confused.

"Your engagement?"

"Ah, that, yeah," Alexander almost gasped out and cleared his throat right after. "I actually meant to thank you for your advice."

Magnus lifted his eyebrows curiously. _What advice?_

"The whole... 'follow your heart' thing," Alexander explained and Magnus immediately got the picture. If Raphael were there, he would definitely tease him about getting old and about his memory shrinking. But that was still better than teasing him about the truth because, in all honesty, Magnus' slip-up was caused merely by the fact he'd been distracted that day. He'd caught Alexander training shirtless back then after all. Now when he thought about it, it apparently wasn't his finest moment.

"Oh, well, what can I say?" he chuckled mildly and carried on regardless. "I have a deep understanding of the human psyche. At least, that's what Freud always said."

"Yeah, well, if it wasn't for you, I guess I never would've proposed to Lydia."

Magnus' eyes widened in shock. So this was his fault? Maybe Salinger had been right and he should've learned to shut up sometimes.

"So let me get this straight. You're getting married to a woman you clearly don't love because I told you to follow your heart? You must admit that this doesn't make a tiny bit of sense, Alexander."

"It makes perfect sense. It's a solid partnership. For both of us."

"It's a solid way how to ruin both your lives. That's for sure."

"You know what, forget it. I don't see why that should be your concern," Alexander cut him off and walked past him.

Magnus promptly caught him by his elbow before he could get too far. "You're about to do the biggest mistake of your life and marry someone you don't even know. It should be everyone's concern!" And when Alexander stayed silent and refused to shrug off the warlock's hand from his arm, Magnus decided to take it as a good sign.

"You deserve to be happy just like everyone else, Alexander. And if Simon were here, he would tell you the exact same thing."

That must have stung. Magnus knew that much because it was obvious that besides his feelings, what had happened to Simon was still bothering Alexander. If the rueful way the latter lowered his head at the mention of the young vampire was anything to go by, it was clear he was still partly blaming himself. And instead of dealing with it properly, he was smothering it inside like it was some kind of disease or sign of imperfection when it clearly couldn't be further from it.

Magnus desperately wanted him to believe it and stop acting like everything was okay when it wasn't. But despite everything, he still couldn’t figure out how to convince him.

"Do you... uh, have any news...?" Alexander asked, bashful all of a sudden and Magnus merely smiled weakly at that.

"Not yet, I'm afraid. Unfortunately, Raphael keeps me posted only when he deems it necessary. But don't worry, I'll beat him to it next time I pop by."

Alexander nodded and let the incoming silence between them prolong.

Magnus knew that wouldn't do either of them any good and so he squeezed the latter's elbow if ever so slightly just to reassure him he would never mean any harm to him. And surprisingly, Alexander didn't jerk away from the gesture.

"I'm not asking you to call off your engagements. All I want is that you really think through what you're doing and stop putting your duties as a Shadowhunter before anything else. Life should be about more than that."

"You're not just blades and tattoos, Alexander. It's a part of you, I know that very well and I assure you I have no intention of violating that. But it shouldn't be the only thing representing you, the only part you're willing to show. I more than anything wish to know the real you, who you really are here," Magnus claimed and moved his hand away from Alexander's elbow to point at the latter's heart.

"That's the only part that truly matters to me, to Simon I'm certain as well, and to those who love you anyway. But I can't do that without your help."

After that, he waited and dared to hope that maybe he finally did something right by Alexander. That he finally gave him the necessity of doubt. But all those hopes crumbled to the ground in a split second when the only thing Alexander did was say: "I should probably go check up on others."

And even though it hurt enormously, Magnus didn't let his composure cave in completely. He faked a smile without any actual effort and said: "Goodbye, Alexander." Then he proceeded to leave the Institute behind, wondering whether he would ever get a chance to try with the latter again before it was too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that happened! To my defense, in the beginning, I really wondered whether I would keep this part (where Raphael locks up Clary with Simon) of the show intact, but I decided to go for it. You're welcome to hate me for it because I partly hate myself for it as well, but it just seemed right that way. Because Raphael is not perfect. He makes mistakes just like everyone else. Despite everything, however, I believe he meant well at some point here and also in the show. So just give him time!
> 
> When it comes to Simon, I've realized that he is quite a mess because of the whole vampire thing. While I know it might be a little OOC, it seems more human to me. Because when I was rewatching this episode, the talk he had with Clary while they were imprisoned in particular, it kind of pissed me off he accepted everything so easily. Okay, I wouldn't exactly want him to hate her because she was his best friend, but he had every right to be mad and he wasn't. An episode ago he said he was a monster and in this episode, he was suddenly much more okay with everything. I'm sorry it just seems more interesting to me if it takes him more time to deal with it. Especially when we all probably know who is going to help him with that! <3 So I hope you'll accept this change as well!
> 
> Not much to say about Malec I guess because I admit I'm kind of running low on my muse with them. Hopefully, it will change with time! Speaking of which, am I the only one who misses some Alec/Simon friendship moments? I hope not because if everything goes according to plan, there should be at least one moment between them in the next chapter! So fingers crossed!
> 
> I probably won't update this story before Christmas so I already wish you Merry Christmas (if you celebrate it)! And here's hoping I will update before the New Year's Eve XD but one never knows with me! XD See you next time!
> 
> PS: Your comments mean absolutely everything to me! I can't possibly thank you enough for them!


	10. Trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I just wanted to thank you so much for all the feedback the last chapter received. It was the perfect remedy for me whenever I felt down (which was all the time). Here goes another messy chapter which is definitely not one of my finest, but at least it's less angsty?? (I think?) So I hope you'll like it and thank you again for being here and reading this :). By the way sorry for giving you false hopes that I would update before the New Year's Eve! I'm such a liar XD. Also, I know it's like almost the end of January, but still, I hope this year goes amazing for all of you!

Raphael watched Simon leave. He was no longer trying to pull off the smirks, but for some reason, he couldn’t remain cold either. In his mind, however, he was absolutely sure he’d made the right decision, so why was he feeling so bitter about it all of a sudden?

“Everything okay, Raphael?” Derek silently asked when the silence got too much to bear.

“I’m fine,” Raphael lied although he was sure Derek could see through the pretense without any difficulty.

“You want me to keep an eye on him?”

Raphael pressed his lips into a thin line in thought. “That won’t be necessary. I doubt he’ll try to run away again even though he can now.” Then he turned his head toward the Shadowhunter still present. “Show her a way out. I’ll talk to him.”

Finding Simon didn’t take him much time. The latter hadn’t gotten that far, which only supported Raphael’s theory that he didn’t have it in him to run away anymore. Raphael knew he should feel content about it, but even something so easy was now impossible to do. And why… he had no idea.

“You feeling better now?” he asked, causing the latter to spun around frantically in pure shock. It didn’t escape Raphael’s attention that Simon wasn’t crying. Although he looked like he was unbelievably close to it, some part of Raphael did admire him for resisting it.

“The burns are already gone if that’s what you’re asking,” Simon growled and crossed arms over his chest without looking at him.

“It’s not.”

Simon scoffed, shook his head and finally turned around to make eye contact with him. Even though it was only meant to last for mere seconds before he broke it again. “You want to show me you suddenly care? Seems pretty late for that.”

“Can’t you just think for a second? Or is talking really the only thing you can do? I did you a favor.”

“You call that a favor? You locked me up in a cell, Raphael. And you knew exactly what kind of danger Clary was in because of that and you did it anyway.”

“You were getting rapidly worse. It was only a matter of time before...,” Raphael barked but stopped as memories he wished he could have buried a long time ago came rushing in.

Simon noticed his loss of words right away. "Before what?"

"Before you did something you would regret."

"I regret a few things already. Why didn't you do something sooner?"

_I tried_ , Raphael almost cried out but stopped himself for the nth time. Simon was still full of rage and while Raphael understood that, it also meant he was not ready to hear his part of the story. At this state, his explanation wouldn't be enough and it was pretty likely Simon would come off it even angrier.

But if he couldn't tell him the truth, the lies either, what other choice did he have left?

"Look," Simon spoke again when the silence prolonged too much, suddenly so out of words as well. "I'm... I know that you're not the only one to blame for what happened to me. And it wasn't fair of me to think otherwise. What's done is done. There's not much to do about it now."

But Raphael wanted to help. He wanted to do anything to make it better because that was what he was there for. To make sure other fledglings wouldn't have to suffer the way he had and still did. But here he was failing anyway. Like he hadn't learned from his mistakes at all. Like he was destined to repeat them for the rest of all eternity. He'd disappointed so many people. Could he survive one more when he already felt like a ghost?

Of course, he could, but he wasn't willing to even test this theory when his patience could be used for much better things. Like helping Simon get through this. If only he'd known how.

"So it was good for something? You talked to her and finally found out that I was not lying to you?"

Simon furrowed his eyebrows and cocked his head to one side in wonder. "Is this you trying to be an optimist? Because it's really comforting to know all it takes for you to become one is my inner suffering."

And then one idea how to approach this indeed popped up in Raphael's head.

"Inner suffering helps with writing songs though."

Simon merely scoffed. "Oh sure, I have many ideas for songs already. One about how human blood actually tastes delicious once you get used to it. The second one should be easy as well. About how I hate sun now even though I used to love it. And wait, let me think about the third one... how about describing what it is like to be able to hear other people's arteries?"

Raphael slowly blinked in irritation. "You done?"

Simon formed a sarcastic smile. "For now. But give me some time and I'm sure I'll think of more before you find another creative way how to punish me."

"I'm not trying to punish you. I never was."

"Keep telling yourself that," Simon muttered and ran a hand through his hair, getting more indignant with each passing second. "Look, you don't have to be here. You got what you wanted. I drank blood and I'm no longer averse to it like before. I'm not a threat to the clan anymore. And my plans for running away are the last thing on my mind right now. I'm a perfect prisoner."

"Is that what you think this is? A prison?"

"Don't give me that crap, Raphael," Simon barked. "Of course it is. You're watching my every step, probably even listening to every word I say behind your back. You literally locked me up in a cell today. I don't even have my phone on me anymore. Not that I would use it for something but still."

"Did it ever occur to you that sometimes all it takes is to ask? To listen? People want to help you. Does it really have lesser meaning that they’re vampires?"

Simon's eyes widened in surprise. "That's not what this is about at all!"

Raphael shot him an unimpressed stare. "It's always about that when it comes to our kind. Others don't trust us, don't believe us. Especially Shadowhunters. Because for them we're almost as bad as the demons they were trained to slay."

"That may be true, but it's not my case. I wanted to believe you, to trust you, Raphael. When I saw how Jacob, Lily and Derek admired you and talked about you, of course, I wanted to believe them and accept all these changes like you'd told me to. But those things weren't my choice to make. Nothing is these days. And I'm sorry that I dared to hope that maybe drinking blood would be my choice and that I had the privilege to do it when I felt ready. You took that privilege away and you're to blame for it. No one else is."

Raphael clenched his teeth and let his head lower ever so slightly. He still couldn't see it the way Simon did. For him, it was more complex than that. There had been no intention of punishing the latter. No hidden motive when Raphael had decided to put him behind bars with the Shadowhunter. It was really the best way to keep her safe from vampires who were not in control of their senses just like it was to convince Simon he had to drink blood that was being offered to him rather than losing his nerves later when no one was there to stop him from attacking someone.

But the fledgling refused to see it that way, refused to listen. For him, Raphael was the bad guy and he had no idea how to change it.

"You asked me if I really did think so low of you," Simon suddenly claimed bitterly as if he could read his mind, "and I told you that you were not letting me see anything else. The problem is you still aren't even though I asked you to."

"I'm judging you from what I know about you and from what others say about you, I can tell it's not even close to what's important, but it's all I have. It's probably what most people know about vampires so you can't really blame me or them when you're not willing to show them more. Because guess what, trust comes both ways and if it doesn't, it shouldn't exist at all in the first place."

"What do you want to know then?"

And for the first time in a while, the surprise Raphael saw in the other's eyes wasn't an indication he was making things worse. It was quite the opposite. Suddenly the wonder and innocence, however small, was once again visible.

Raphael had no reason to miss them, and he did not, not really, but now when he could see them again, it woke up something inside him. Something that wanted to make sure wonder and innocence would always stay intact when it came to this fledgling in particular, even though they didn't match who Simon was now at all. It was an oxymoron Raphael had stopped believing in a long time ago but somehow wished he could now. Even though he deemed it impossible.

"You actually mean that?" Simon asked with eyebrows drawn closer

"I told you. All it takes sometimes is just ask. So ask," Raphael encouraged truthfully and leaned his back against the nearest wall.

"And there's no catch? I mean you're not gonna bite me and drain me of blood right after, are you? Could you even do that?"

Raphael cocked his head to one side. "Is that your question?"

"No!" Simon blurted out and scratched the back of his head nervously. "I still don't believe everything you and others do is for my own good. If it was, you would go through the trouble to find a different way. A better way. But Derek said it himself that I didn't know the whole story. So tell me. Please."

"If I learned something throughout all these years, it's that everyone has a different story to tell.”

Simon lowered his gaze at the ground and formed a weak smile on his face before lifting his head back up to look at Raphael. "Good thing I'm only interested in hearing yours right now."

"You shouldn't be. Derek tells that story thousand times better than I do."

Simon flopped his head back and growled under his breath. "So you're once again making the choice for me? Why can't I be the judge of that?"

Raphael turned his eyes away from him, staring aimlessly into the distance and pursing lips in thought. He had no answers to give to the fledgling. Especially when he, himself, had so many similar questions that were missing answers just as much. No one had ever bothered to give him any when it had mattered, so he'd never bothered to learn how to be better. That was how this world worked, especially when responding to questions starting with why and how most of the time proved to be much more difficult than anything else he'd ever encountered.

The clan had always been wrapped around Camille's finger since he could remember. And making a choice, yourself, hadn't been needed or welcomed. At the very beginning, he'd refused to care. As a freshly awoken vampire, he'd had enough problems already and giving their leader reasons to hold grudge against him was something he hadn't wanted to add to the pile.

Then he'd met Magnus and everything had changed. He'd soon come to realize that just following someone blindly, doing everything that was required without demanding any reason or explanation, had never been what he was in this world for.

What right did he have now to think Simon was any different? None. Quite a few people would scold him for plummeting so low and thinking otherwise. One person, in particular, wouldn't let him walk freely after that, but he couldn't dwell on that. Because even a mere thought of her was able to make his silenced heart, however numb he'd worked it to be, suddenly so flimsy his eyes would get watery right away. Just like they were now.

He blinked, as subtly as possible, to keep them at bay and reverted his gaze at Simon when he was sure they wouldn't try to cause him more trouble.

The latter was still waiting with expectations Raphael was probably ready only to disappoint. Because it still hurt. Much more than he was comfortable of admitting.

And yet he yearned to say something. To give the fledgling at least a small amount of what he was asking. He even let his lips part but before any word could come out, the door to the room suddenly opened and Derek stormed inside.

Raphael jumped if ever so slightly out of surprise but turned around to face his friend on instinct so smoothly it almost looked liked he'd expected this interruption to happen. Like he'd heard Derek coming right from the start. Which he had not, in fact, much to his dismay. But Simon didn't know that and Raphael was not sure whether he should see it more as a blessing or a curse.

Probably the latter as he noticed the weird look Derek was dedicating him. With that, it was out of the question to doubt he'd noticed how his arrival startled his leader.

"My apologies. I didn't mean to interrupt," Derek blurted out. "But we've got another situation."

Raphael slowly blinked. "Already?"

"It's the Nephilim. They want to speak."

Raphael glanced at Simon whose eyes were facing the ground instead. He could only imagine what was going through the latter's head, but after everything that had happened that day, it surely couldn't be anything pleasant. And yet, Raphael doubted Simon would say no to Clary Fairchild when she required help.

When it came to him, he could at least hear them out.

"In that case, we shouldn't leave them waiting," he claimed carelessly and motioned for Derek to lead the way. Before he followed, however, he let his eyes fall on the fledgling again.

"I'm sorry," he said firmly.

"Don't be," Simon argued and shrugged. "I mean, for you, I'm probably just another fledgling to tolerate and that doesn't give you any reason to tell me so... I should've known better than to expect otherwise."

Raphael opened his mouth to counter that statement but slowly closed it when Simon walked past him without another word or a glance. After that only one thing troubled him. Simon was just another fledgling he had to bear and Raphael should've been too lackadaisical to prove him wrong on that. Yet he could not just stay idly and watch. He never could've.

More tears threatened to be spilled as his mind flitted to the very person who had taught him that. His legs weakened when he started wondering what she would think of him right at that moment. And it didn't matter how many scenarios popped up in his head, he didn't like any of them, but he couldn't dwell on them.

So he blinked multiple times to make sure the tears stayed hidden and decided to join the party, shutting his mind down from thinking about this further.

 

* * *

 

"We're offering an alliance with the Seelies," Clary Fairchild announced as Raphael entered the room and looked around. The room was divided - with Shadowhunters and that werewolf he'd spoken to earlier on one side, the vampires on the other. Simon was also there, not occupying any of those sides but standing right in the middle.

"And the werewolves," Luke sighed, clearly annoyed. At least they had that in common.

"Why should we believe you?" Raphael wondered skeptically. "You killed our people. You violated our home."

"You kidnapped a mundane, remember?" Jace pointed out.

"That was me," Simon joined and Raphael fought hard not to glare at him. The idea of the fledgling not taking any sides could once again go to hell. Was he supposed to be surprised and disappointed?

"Look," Clary cut in, "you were just following Camille's orders. She violated the Accords. You are a different kind of leader. We are a new generation of Shadowhunters. We believe everyone can be equal. But we have to work together to stop Valentine. And to ensure the Clave doesn't repeat past mistakes. What do you say?"

"This decision requires a consensus," Raphael concluded and waited for others to make a decision.

It didn't catch him off guard when Simon stepped forward as first. "I vote yes."

"Tell me something I don't know, fledgling."

Without any hesitation, Simon added: "How about I pledge my loyalty to you?"

"Simon-"Clary murmured, but Simon didn't back down. He didn't even look at her.

"What's the catch?" Raphael demanded to know.

"There's no catch. I join the clan properly. I'll start training and I won't ever try to run away again. Just like you want," Simon bitterly named, holding the eye contact with him firmly the whole time. "I promise."

"You're not a pawn, Simon," Clary argued.

Simon slowly aimed his eyes on her with the same kind of harshness he regarded Raphael with. "No... I'm not." Then he turned his attention back to the man before him. "So do you accept?"

Raphael frowned in thought. "You're willing to sell yourself out like that? Why? For her?"

"No," Simon replied right away. "Whatever it takes to protect the Downworld. It's my world now. And besides, that's the only way you can change the way everyone looks at vampires. You help."

"You're just using that to your advantage," Raphael accused in disbelief, completely ignoring they weren't alone at that moment. He didn't even need to clarify what he thought by that. Simon must have understood right away.

"I'm not your enemy, Raphael. I don't conspire against you on daily basis. I'm just a vampire. Which means everyone sees me as they see you and you clearly despise it. So if I can do at least one thing to change it, I won't hesitate."

Raphael narrowed his eyes and broke the eye contact they held in semi-defeat. It wasn't the reason his nerves were having a hard time, however. In truth, he should've felt content that Simon cared and considered himself as one of them. That he'd finally come around.

But he could see through the lie. Or maybe after he'd experienced deception and pretense so many times, he could no longer unsee it. Part of him wanted to believe Simon's words more than anything and make peace between them. He was that tired of all the fighting. But the other kept wondering this would all come to get him in the end and that Simon was indeed just using every scrap of information he had on him to his own advantage.

And would it be so bad if it was true? After all, that was what the better part of the clan would have done. Because manipulation, pretense, those were all things required for surviving. Especially when you happen to be a vampire with no morals left to defend, right? Right.

He would lie if he claimed the life he led hadn't taken its toll on him and made him paranoid. He knew that and wasn't going to pretend otherwise, but if that was the only reason he wasn't willing to believe Simon meant this as genuinely as was possible, then who was he kidding anyway?

Why did he really want Simon to trust him so much when he alone hardly had that word in his dictionary? The fledgling had said it himself. ... _trust comes both ways and if it doesn't, it shouldn't exist at all in the first place._

"So... do we have a deal?" Simon asked and although no one had said anything, Raphael could feel eyes of all the vampires on his back. He didn't look at any of them as he lifted his head to let his eyes fall on Simon. And yet he could hear Jacob and Lily clearly as if they were voicing their thoughts right into his ear, urging him to stop this nonsense at once instead of carrying on with it.

"Is that really what you want?" he dared to ask.

Simon blinked multiple times. It was clear this couldn’t be further from what he truly wanted. Frankly, the same applied to Raphael. But he knew far too well that despite Simon’s words, he was still the Big Bad Wolf in his eyes and nothing more. There was no way the latter would believe his true intentions.

So he said nothing yet again and waited for the answer he knew was coming. For the inevitable lie.

"Yes."

He blinked once in acknowledgment and turned his gaze towards the vampires behind him to see if anyone had anything against the agreement that was just being sealed. All of them wordlessly showed their approval. Even Jacob and Lily weren't dedicating him any death glares much to his surprise. And Derek stood at the complete back of the crowd, leaning his back on the wall, not hinting his disapproval in any way.

"Then we're in."

The Shadowhunters and most vampires left after that to go prepare themselves. Only Raphael, Simon, Lily, Derek and Jacob remained in the room.

"I presume you want to come with us, don't you?" Raphael aimed his question at the youngest vampire.

"If that is really what you want," Simon snorted cynically, using Raphael's own words against him yet again.

Raphael pursed his lips and refused to take the bait. "As long as you're careful, I don't see why not."

"Relax, Raphael," Jacob cut in. "We'll be there to watch over him. Nothing's gonna happen."

"Someone should stay here, though. To keep an eye on vampires that won't be going," Lily reminded, quickly aiming his eyes everywhere but at Raphael. Jacob followed the suit, and Raphael could hardly blame them. Guarding Camille's sires who were too stubborn to be reasoned with was, in general, the most despised responsibility among the clan members. But Lily was right. Someone had to do it and Raphael was ready to take it upon himself when suddenly Derek broke the silence.

"I'll stay."

And of course, Jacob didn't waste any time to protest. "No way. You should go. I'll stay here."

Derek smiled weakly at that. "We both know how much you enjoy working in the field, Jay."

"Driving those bastards nuts is also fun."

Raphael loudly cleared his throat. Jacob turned his attention to him right away and growled just as loudly. "Oh, come on, Raphael, you do it too so don't try to judge me now."

"Not as much as you do. But if it makes you feel any better the only reason they hate me more than you is that I'm the leader who made you all turn on their sire."

"You had every right for that," Lily countered.

Raphael pursed his lips. _When has that ever mattered_ , he thought and shrugged. From the corner of his eye, he could see Simon. He held his head low, not facing any of them, but it was clear he had to be paying attention.

"Anyway," Raphael continued, "I can stay and watch over them while you'll both go under Lily's command."

"No!" Simon blurted out of the blue and everyone, including Raphael, spun their heads to look at him with widened eyes. Jacob was the first to form a smirk on his face and Raphael semi-hated him for it.

"Why not, Simon?" he challenged and cocked his head slightly to one side before Lily smacked his arm and made him flinch in pain, offended.

But Raphael paid attention to it only partly and let his eyes linger on the fledgling instead, waiting for the answer he already knew would never come.

Simon started mumbling unintelligibly in embarrassment, barely capable of forming a sentence. In the end, however, he found his way. "Because... that way it will have the best influence on our reputation. If they see us helping them and you, as the leader, fully supporting it, they might take it more seriously... I think."

Raphael could merely remain speechless after that. Because while there was no doubt that was not Simon's reason for wanting him to come, or at least not the only one, it was still a valid reason the latter had to come up with on the spot. With the way he'd convinced him to take part in helping the Shadowhunters and now this, Raphael was honestly starting to believe that Simon wasn't always voicing recklessly everything that came to his mind, but that he could also think rationally.

And the rest of the vampires seemed to be both surprised but satisfied by his answer too.

"I agree with Simon," Derek broke the silence and turned his attention back to Jacob and Raphael. "You go. I'll stay."

"But-" Jacob started to protest but got cut off when Derek placed his hand on his shoulder. "I'll be fine. Nothing's gonna happen. And besides, you can't protect me forever, Jay."

Jacob looked at him as if on the verge to argue about this even more but quickly surrendered and just flopped his head back in frustration.

But Raphael too needed assurance, considering all that had happened in the past, and lifted his eyebrows as if asking Derek whether he was really sure about this without actually voicing it out loud. Derek, as always, understood the gesture right away and dedicated him a reassuring smile as firm as he could muster.

Raphael merely nodded and headed out without another word, with Lily, Jacob and Simon joining him right after.

 

* * *

 

Simon felt more confused than ever. Don't get him wrong he was still mad at Raphael. What only got worse with his disappointment when Raphael once again refused to answer his question. But it wasn’t like anything had changed between them, Raphael still probably saw him as a burden and nothing else, so why was he really disappointed? He should’ve expected it right from the start, but he was still him. And no matter how broken he felt, he would still find at least a tiny bit of hope and hold onto it like crazy.

That came to bite him in the ass sooner than he’d anticipated when he and Raphael had stricken that deal. Call it pathetic, but some part of Simon’s consciousness hoped Raphael wouldn’t agree to it. That he would help Clary and others regardless, without expecting him to stay there a prisoner like from freaking Beauty and the Beast.

But of course, Raphael had to ruin that as well and left his hope crumbling to the ground. But the fate didn’t wish to cut Simon some break and let him brood in his bitterness. Because Simon wanted to come with them and it was a pleasing surprise that Raphael let him without any protest. It was almost too good to be true, making him slightly skeptical, but he didn’t get more time to think about it. Part of him hoped he could go back in time and be dismissed by Raphael or would simply walk away right after, but he stayed and with that the confusion was inevitable.

Witnessing the vampires interact like this, with Raphael, was a sight unlike any other. Although he didn’t understand many things regarding their conversation, he was still able to notice details. The way Lily smacked Jacob, how Derek gently placed his hand on Jacob’s shoulder just to reassure him, a gesture Simon used to do often with his sister or Clary and missed now dearly. The way they called each other nicknames and how Raphael could have a dialogue with them without voicing a single word and how he cared whether Derek was okay with this.

It was pissing Simon off he didn’t know why no one wanted to stay guard the hotel, why it was especially a problem for Derek of all people, but all these details, these gestures, he couldn’t help but notice were dominating his mind instead, leaving no space for that bitterness to once again take root. He desperately wanted to be mad at both Raphael and the other vampires, but he came soon to a realization he could do neither much to his surprise. Which left him utterly torn.

And it definitely didn’t stop bugging him when they left. They were walking slowly which gave him time to practice speeding up without actually showing everyone around him he was a vampire. His surroundings still got blurry from time to time, but he was definitely making some progress. Not that anyone would support that statement, but it was okay, it was... whatever.

What was weird, however, was how he stuck more to the side where the Shadowhunters and werewolves were rather than the one he was supposed to be on, with vampires. It was not even on purpose at all and it had taken him quite a while to realize he was doing it. He knew Raphael and others were more than aware and just with a glance he’d managed to dedicate them it was clear they were also irritated if ever so slightly.

But Simon had his reason. Or he suspected he did. Because he couldn’t get out of his head how he’d failed to stop his mouth earlier. And of course, he could merely stutter after that because God hated him.

The worst thing about it was this irritating idea that the same thing must have been wandering around their minds as well. From time to time he dared to look their way and more often than not amused smiles were decorating their faces. Or at least when it came to Jacob and Lily. Raphael was obviously trying to maintain his composure, but Simon was in luck and managed to get a glimpse of him cracking a smile as well.

That actually only doubled Simon’s fidgeting. Because what other reason would they have to laugh like that if not him? He’d given them fuel and now he had to pay for it. That way it seemed easier to make peace with the fact he would never be equal with them. No matter what.

But his curiosity was still winning over anything else on his mind, compelling him to make sure his theory was correct. He tried using his enhanced hearing but was still utterly unsure of what he was doing and also quite terrified of letting in far more sounds than necessary.

Eventually, he managed to hear some bits and pieces amongst which was his name and he considered it settled and crystal clear. Before he could hear more, however, more random sounds from the streets of Brooklyn appeared and he immediately shut it all down before it could overcome him completely. After that, he was back to regular hearing and back to feeling so ridiculously hopeless and confused.

But this time he didn’t get the chance to brood about it.

“Hey, Simon, what do you say about a race?” he heard Jacob call after him and immediately turned around to join them.

“Don’t even think about it, Jay,” Raphael scolded and rolled his eyes, irritated.

“In case you didn’t notice, Raphael, I was talking with Simon here and not you.”

“We’re on a rescue mission and you want to race? What are you, five?” Lily questioned.

“A small vampire race has never hurt anyone as far as I know.”

“Simon is a fledgling in case you forgot,” Raphael remarked. "He needs to save his energy rather than waste it on something so absurd as a race with you."

"Why? What would happen?" Simon finally dared to cut in.

Raphael’s eyes flew towards him and he took some time before answering. That way it really seemed just a simple look at him was causing Raphael physical pain.

“Every time we use our abilities, we lose our energy. It comes mostly from blood, sleep can do only so much. When a vampire is drained of energy, they turn into these blood craving monsters you love mentioning so much. In fact, I thought you would know a few of these things already.”

“I did, but it’s kind of hard to figure out what applies to the reality and what is just fiction. I can see my reflection in the mirror and I definitely didn’t shine like a disco ball under sunlight.”

“You’ve seen Twilight?” Jacob suddenly blurted with an amused smile.

“Of all possible movies you could’ve watched you chose Twilight?” Simon wondered with slight contempt in his voice which he was definitely faking. It was more hilarious than ridiculous and besides, he’d seen all the Twilight movies so he really had no place to judge anyone. It was just a... pleasant surprise.

“We all watched it together, actually," Lily pointed out with a smirk. "You can mock us all you want, Simon, but it was mostly Raphael's doing."

"What?" Simon gasped so loudly several supernatural beings turned their way to scowl at them. Not that he minded or anything. He was too invested in this conversation for that.

"It was not," Raphael argued right back. "I just lost a bet which Jacob got me into and because of that we had to watch that disaster."

"So it was technically your fault," Jacob concluded with a taunting smile.

Raphael cocked his head to one side and smirked. "At least it sure taught me not to wager with you."

"You know, Raphael, I remember when you used to be fun. Frankly, I miss those times," Jacob sarcastically claimed.

"Well, Jacob, I remember when you used to have a brain. I miss those times even more," Raphael countered and got a slight chuckle from Simon, who just couldn't help it, as his reward. That ultimately led to Raphael forming a smile he tried to hide so hard you'd have to be quick to even get a glimpse of it. But Simon got lucky and saw it before the latter shrugged it off and returned to his brooding expression. And the memory of it remained just like the never-ending dilemma wandering around his mind.

Because he knew vampires were not monsters. They'd proved that much. Or at least if they were monsters, it wasn't because of what they were, but because of who they were and always had been inside. Despite the prejudices, he could still feel jeopardizing that, Simon was trying to stick to this theory and judge rightfully.

The idea itself didn't seem so surreal with Lily and Jacob. He wasn't sure what to think about Derek just yet, but Raphael remained the most intriguing regardless. Because Simon used to see only cons about him. Now the small pros were appearing from time to time and Simon simply couldn't ignore them no matter how much he yearned to. No matter how much it would make things easier for him.

But every video game he'd played he'd finished set on the hardest difficulty so maybe that was how he wanted to lead his life as well.

Of course, there was no race after that. Raphael had made a valid point and even someone as bold and stubborn as Jacob could see it. And surprisingly, Simon didn't get to dwell on his dilemma for long as the vampires kept talking to him, turning his attention to more carefree directions. And before he knew it, they arrived at the right place.

Izzy made sure everyone knew they were there to keep the Shadowhunters on guard busy and not to kill or cause severe damage to anyone. The mission was simple - keep them in one place while Clary and Jace get Meliorn before he would be transformed into the City of Bones. No big deal, right?

Well, the joke was going to be on him for thinking that.

"This does not look like the City of Bones," Clary pointed out unsurely as they all approached.

"This is the Downworlders entrance," Jace explained.

"The City of Bones has a service entrance. Perfect!"

"I hope I have better luck here than I did last time," Simon gibed and cocked his head to one side with an innocent smile just for Raphael to see. "I'm just saying."

The latter shook his head and rolled his eyes. "That goes double for your Shadowhunter buddies. Otherwise, we're doomed to fail."

"Everyone knows what to do?" Clary asked before the possible quarrel could even begin and glared at Raphael.

"Text when you're in position," Jace ordered.

Before they scattered away, Raphael dared to do something Simon never would have pictured him doing - he whistled at Luke, who of course turned his head toward him on instinct. "Stay." A smirk formed on Raphael's face right after. "Good dog."

"Bite me," Luke growled back.

"Roll over."

"Play dead."

"Boom!" Simon couldn't help but exclaim and moved toward Luke to fistbump him. Raphael immediately glared at him, but little did he know that behind his back Jacob was silently giggling at this exchange of insults as well, and Lily was no better considering the amused smile playing at her lips.

Then, however, completely out of the blue one of the werewolves from Luke's pack aggressively shoved Simon away from them. As a vampire, Simon should've handled it better, but he'd just completely failed to see it coming and almost stumbled to the ground as a result.

Raphael and the rest of the clan hissed with their teeth on display at the werewolves without any hesitation, who growled just as furiously back.

Simon registered how Clary and Luke broke it off right after, but at that moment, he couldn't help but stare at his vampire companions. Even though he was fully aware he was part of the Downworld now, it was still hard to get used to everything that came with it. Like the general, unrightfully present hatred toward him. Especially when it came to werewolves. It seemed like books, movies and tv shows were not wrong about everything regarding supernatural beings after all.

He knew that most people would probably get used to it without thinking about it further. But as he'd told Raphael before, he had no intention of giving in so easily. At least about this.

Yet there was another thing he hadn't seen coming at all. While he was doomed to be hated by some groups of people because he was a vampire, another one was now standing by his side for the very same reason. And yes, he could take it cynically, but after all these years of being violently shoved just because people in his life always tended to have the upper hand, he decided against it. Because it was soothing to know someone had his back now.

They split into smaller groups and took cover by the containers. After a while, multiple pairs of steps started resonating through Simon's head. If he'd been still human, his heart wouldn't have cut him any slack and he'd have found it utterly frustrating. But like this, when it was so quiet and lifeless, he could finally admit he missed those times he could hear and feel his loud heartbeat.

But the fear and thrill inside were just as strong as ever anyway which was why he didn't even notice when the first wave of the attack came upon them. Luckily, Jacob and Lily stayed by his side just like they'd promised. Raphael remained close as well but kept checking up on other members of the clan in case they might need a hand.

"Hey, Lils," Jacob exclaimed as he knocked down someone without any sweat, "let's compare our score after this is over."

"It's your funeral," she cockily replied right away.

"You want to compare how many Shadowhunters you put down?" Simon questioned in disbelief. "Who are you, Legolas and Gimli?"

Jacob furrowed his eyebrows. "I may not know who those guys are, but as long as I'm the handsome one, I don't see why not."

Simon resisted a huge urge not to facepalm himself. They'd seen freaking Twilight but not Lord of the rings? What the actual-

"Then bring it on, Gimli," Lily challenged him and Simon couldn't help but stiffen his laugh which she heard of course and winked at him in secret.

Jacob was too focused on the Shadowhunters around them to actually notice that and just smirked with confidence.

However, each of them failed to see the two Shadowhunters sneaking up on them from behind. Luckily, Raphael returned in the blink of an eye and took care of them before Simon even turned around to witness it.

"Keep talking like that and you're gonna have it a lot harder to catch up with me," their leader taunted and Simon's eyebrows shot up in surprise.

"We'll see about that," Jacob replied playfully and kicked a man in front of him to his stomach before striking his head. "Feel free to join, Simon. You don't know what you're missing out."

"I feel like you're enjoying this too much," Simon pointed out nervously.

Jacob just chuckled. "How could I not? It's not every day that I can send those self-righteous bastards flying without expecting any sort of punishment for it."

Simon meant to answer it but before he could, the tables turned as his enhanced hearing caught something without any heads-up.

"Alec," he distinguished Clary's voice. The sound was barely audible as his ears were full of noises caused by vampires exchanging blows and werewolves growling as loudly as they could. But he remembered what Raphael had said right after he'd woken up in Hotel DuMort and while he knew he was putting himself at a precarious situation, he needed to figure out what was happening.

So he took a breath he physically didn't need and let all the sounds in. Before it could overcome him completely, however, he searched for the sounds he craved and focused on them with all his will.

Other sounds slowly faded out of existence and only the important ones remained.

"You told me you were taking Clary back to the Institute," Alec's voice resonated, sounding more enraged than Simon had ever experienced it. "You lied to me"

"I did what needed to be done," Jace came to the picture too and Simon's bewilderment kept growing on its strength as he carried on listening. What the hell was Alec doing?

He didn't have time to figure that out just by standing there and listening because the next thing he realized a fight shook loose. Possibly between Alec and Jace, but it made such little sense it took him several seconds to march forward to where his hearing was leading him.

He didn't get far before a Shadowhunter emerged from nowhere and put him down to the ground without any difficulty. For a split second, Simon felt paralyzed but with the exchange of blows between Alec and Jace ringing so loudly in his ears, he got his head back in the game almost immediately and sped over to stand behind his attacker before the man could strike him again. None of his vampire guardians were within reach at that point. No one could stop him from taking the matters to his own hands.

And so without thinking about it further, he grabbed the man by his jacket and threw him against the nearest container. A move Raphael had taught him as well (although involuntarily) now when he thought about it.

The man fell to the ground, his whole body going limp, which sent a shiver down Simon's spine. He.. wasn’t dead, was he? He’d already tried this move and sure, Raphael was a vampire after all, but a Shadowhunter should be as sturdy, right? And he hadn’t even used his full strength... or had he? He no longer knew what that even meant and that was mortifying to the bone.

“Wow, you did it, Simon. You really sent him flying. Well, I mean far more literally than I thought you would, but that's cool. We can totally work on your technique,” Jacob joked as he, Lily and Raphael approached him. “Maybe ease up a little bit the next time. You heard that Nephilim hottie with the whip.”

“He isn’t...,” Simon merely stuttered back.

“He’s okay,” Raphael replied right away, shaking his head a bit as he looked at Jacob from the corner of his eye. “Just unconscious and he’s probably gonna have some bruises, but the Nephilim have been through worse.”

Simon just nodded back and once again got a hold of what was happening between Alec and Jace in the building near them. They were still fighting. He needed to hurry up.

“I’ve gotta go,” he announced and took a step forward.

“Wait,” Raphael shouted after him and it sounded almost like he was... worried? While it didn’t stop Simon from walking, a few more Shadowhunters who appeared before him did. His body started trembling right away. Not because he was worried he couldn’t take them all on, but because he very well could and although he hadn’t killed that man from before, he might not be that lucky next time.

“Go,” Lily told him with a reassuring smile. “We’ve got this.”

Simon shrugged off the surprise almost immediately and slipped past the Shadowhunters after he watched Raphael strike his first blow.

Then he just sped to that building and kept listening to words Jace and Alec exchanged among which was also the ground-breaking information that Alec was... getting married.

 

* * *

 

He hadn’t thought about what he would do as soon as he got there, but when he did and saw Alec holding Jace to the floor, he could hardly care what his consciousness would think about his actions. So he ran to them, grabbed Alec and pressed him against a wall.

When Alec processed what had just happened, his bewilderment couldn’t possibly be more evident. “Simon? What are you doing here?”

“Funny you say that because I was about to ask you the same thing,” Simon pointed out, cracking a nervous smile. “What’s wrong with you two?”

“He’s the one in charge of this mission,” Jace announced as he got up.

Simon gulped and tilted his head, puzzled. “You’re with them?”

The sound of footsteps forced him to look away for a split second. Raphael was there with an evident surprise radiating from his black eyes yet he didn’t look disappointed at all.

Alec followed Simon’s gaze to where the vampire leader stood and so did Jace. “And you’re with them. Did he put you up to this or was it her?”

Simon glared at him in disbelief. “I’m helping my best friend and I’m not gonna apologize for it. If anything, I put up Raphael to this so leave him out of it.”

“How can you defend him after everything that’s happened?”

“I’m not defending anyone and believe me, I still have many problems with him, but it’s not his fault you’re being a complete dick right now,” Simon argued still keeping his grip on Alec tight. “What happened to you?”

“You don’t understand anything, Simon.”

“You’re right. I couldn’t possibly understand why you’re turning away from people you’ve known your whole life and all of a sudden I hear you’re getting married? Are you insane?”

“At least I’m not teaming up with someone who is clearly an enemy.”

“What’s your problem, Alec? Why do you hate Raphael so much?”

“Because he left!” Alec screamed in his face. “He could’ve helped you, he had the means of changing everything, but he left at the worst time possible with an excuse that he was needed elsewhere. If only he’d stayed, you might’ve been still a mundane.”

“Don’t try to pin this all on me, Shadowhunter,” Raphael barked. "You left him too. With the worst person you possibly could have."

"What did Clary have to do with it? He attacked her," Jace pointed out and Simon's legs shook at the memory.

"She had everything to do with it!" Raphael emphasized, but kept his gaze aimed at Alec. "I told you about the hallucinations Simon was having. That they would get unbearable eventually and you left him with the one person who could make him most vulnerable."

"Which wouldn't have happened if you'd stayed," Alec insisted while Simon's puzzlement was increasing with each spoken word. He lifted his head to look at Raphael whose gaze flew to him immediately just before it returned to Alec. Was this the story he'd been avoiding so much to tell him? That he, in fact, had some role in all that mess which the night he barely remembered was?

"You can blame me for what happened all you want," Raphael firmly spoke, but it was different this time. He sounded... sad and for some reason, that proved to hold bigger meaning to Simon than anything he'd heard so far. "But I wanted to help that day and I am sorry I failed. I had to make a choice and I'm going to live with that for the rest of all eternity. I'm not going to pretend I didn't have anything to do with this because I had kidnapped Simon after all. But I was following an order I knew was wrong. Now, look at where we are and tell me, Shadowhunter, what makes you think you are any better than me?"

Alec said something after that, but for Simon, it turned out to be dimmed like background noise as a completely different sound started slowly taking over. _Thump thump_. It wasn't loud, but somehow, Simon couldn't help but focus all his attention on that constantly repeating sound until he realized it was Alec's quickened heartbeat. His whole body quaked with fear as everything dawned on him.

Alec had been struggling against his grip the whole time, but it held no meaning when Simon had the upper hand. Now, however, Raphael words caught up with him and dragged him back to the messy reality his life was. With his energy radically slipping through his fingers and the quickened pace of Alec's heart slowly getting louder, he really had no other choice than to let him go completely and take a few steps back.

Luckily, he was still strong enough to resist any temptation he'd previously found almost unbearable. And to think properly.

"Raphael is right," he quietly concluded and crossed arms over his chest.

"He lied to you," Alec protested.

"Cut it out, Alec," Jace interjected. "And listen for once. We can put all this behind. Just come with me. We'll fight Valentine the right way... together."

"If we do that... we'll be considered traitors like Mom and Dad."

"I'm begging you, my parabatai... my brother. Please, Alec, come with me."

Alec glanced at the ground in thought, giving both Jace and Simon an inch of hope before shattering it without any mercy right after. "No."

Simon watched Jace leave, but he didn't follow the suit even though part of him wanted to. Because he was perfectly aware that wouldn't get him anywhere. It was something he'd learned the hard way - the only thing worse than having people walking away from you is hating yourself when you're in fact the one walking away from them.

He silently urged Raphael to leave as well, doing his best to reassure him he was completely in control and that nothing bad would happen. The vampire seemed more than just skeptical but obeyed his wishes in the end anyway. Simon’s entire attention fell on Alec at once.

"What are you doing, Alec?" he asked with a sigh escaping his lips.

"My job. I'm trying to stop Valentine, whatever it takes," Alec growled coldly back.

"Doesn't it bother you at all who you might lose in the process?" Simon would always remember how little was actually needed to lose everything. Just because he couldn't have stayed away.

Alec exhaled loudly and shrugged. "They made their choice just like I did. And it seems to me you made yours too."

"It's not my fault you don't like who you are," Simon softly argued and saw how Alec visibly stiffened at those words. It made his heart swell because even though the latter was still rather looking at the ground than at him, it was crystal clear he had his full attention now.

"And it's not Jace's or Raphael’s fault either. Most of the time it depends solely on your point of view. Because I don't think you're a bad guy, Alec. You have absolutely nothing to hate yourself for and I'm sorry that despite that, it's still easier for you to find things you dislike rather than like about yourself."

Simon sighed when he realized he was the same now more than ever. It might have seemed slightly hypocritical to say these things to Alec, but with each spoken word he believed it more and more. And he just wanted Alec to believe it too.

"Back at Magnus', you asked me why I hadn't told anyone about my vampire problems. You told me you would've helped. And you were right, maybe things would've been different if I'd said something. Either way, I'm here to tell you there are people who would help you in a heartbeat if you just asked. It’s far from easy, I know, but once you do, I guarantee that it’s worth the risk.”

For a while, it looked like Alec was really thinking all he'd heard through. He was fidgeting, fiddling with his fingers and still avoiding making any kind of contact.

To Simon, it didn't really matter who the latter considered worthy enough to help him. He just hoped Alec would follow the advice he himself had given him back then.

But of course, no such thing happened.

"You got what you came here for, Simon," Alec coldly concluded. "So you should just go."

And Simon really did leave after that, but not before he dedicated one last look to the man before him. “You shouldn't feel embarrassed because there is nothing wrong with you. This is the twenty-first century after all. And... know that you're not alone. Not even in this."

Right after that was said, he headed toward the exit, perfectly acknowledging how Alec's head snapped to finally look at him. And while Simon meant every word, he wasn't in the mood to delve into anything further for that night. Part of him believed Alec wasn't really ready for that either. But this was a start and Simon was sure his and Alec's paths would cross again eventually.

 

* * *

 

“Thanks so much for helping tonight, Simon,” Clary said and smiled when Simon got back to them.

He formed a weak smile in return. “You should thank Raphael for that. It was his call.”

“But you’re the one that convinced him so I’m definitely thanking the right person.”

Simon nodded, hid both his hands into his pockets and looked around. From the corner of his eyes, he managed to spot where Raphael and the rest of the vampires were waiting for him. Without looking back at Clary, he could tell her eyes flew there too.

“You know, you can think whatever you want, Simon, but there’s no way I will ever see you as a monster. Raphael should be the one learning from you and not the other way around.”

Simon chuckled sadly. “Well, we’re probably gonna spend a lot of time together, so maybe he will one day. If he doesn’t throw me out first.”

“You don’t have to do this. I know you two have that deal, but I talked to Luke and he’s ready.”

Simon furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. “Ready for what?”

“You should come with us. You don’t belong to their clan and no one has the right to keep you there against your will. We can figure things out together like we always do. All you have to do is just say so and we will take care of everything. Raphael might try something, but he’ll be outnumbered without a doubt. I’m sure he will stand down.”

_Because I’m not worth fighting for?_ Simon almost asked out loud but stopped himself at the right time. Who was he kidding anyway? Raphael would probably be thankful for getting rid of him and coming of it as the victim.

That was Simon’s first thought, but then he remembered the latter had wanted to tell him something before they’d gone here. They’d gotten interrupted, but somehow despite that Simon dared to believe Raphael would’ve gone on if he could’ve. And maybe he still wanted to.

His gaze once again turned to the vampires as he kept thinking this through. They were talking and laughing from time to time just like they’d been during the whole way here. Raphael seemed much less on guard and that made Simon a lot more torn.

Because this was the man who had kidnapped him and therefore gotten him into this mess in the first place. But he’d helped him escape back then. He’d told him what was happening to him and tried to make him stay away.

Raphael had some role in the attempt to save him from succumbing to the blood, but then again, he’d left for some reason and it was pissing Simon off he’d had to find out about that the way he had. But maybe it was like Raphael had said earlier and everyone had their own story to tell. Simon wanted to believe that so much, but a little part of him kept nagging and saying Raphael had never planned on telling him his version of what had happened during that dreadful night.

Like it wasn’t already enough, Simon kept in mind that Raphael had told Clary they could bring him back as a vampire even though he must have known perfectly what kind of torture it would be for Simon. He’d locked him up and forced him to drink blood even after promising it was up to Simon.

But to be honest, Simon was no longer even mad about that. Because if he’d carried on resisting, if he hadn’t drunk any blood that day, he wouldn’t find the strength to talk to Alec. And maybe, just maybe, he would’ve even hurt him and finally become the monster Alec viewed him as such.

Raphael had decided to be a part of this mission only after Simon had offered his part of the deal. Simon couldn’t be sure whether that was what had ultimately convinced the latter, but after what he knew about Raphael, what else was he supposed to think?

Then he focused his attention once again on the scene not that far from him and asked himself how well he, in fact, knew Raphael. Because there was no way a monster could chuckle and be so carefree around the people they considered family. Simon remembered that it wasn’t always just about sarcastic smirks and irritation he could see on display when it came to the latter. He’d noticed the constant sorrow too which made him believe there was so much more to Raphael than he’d gotten to know so far.

And after he’d heard how highly Lily, Jacob and Derek thought of him and experienced his genuine smiles, there really was no reason to doubt that theory.

No vampire was watching him and Clary right at that moment. They must have been listening like they always would, but Clary was right. If Simon decided to go with them, there wasn’t much Raphael or anyone could do to stop him. But with all things considered, it came as a surprise he’d already made up his mind on this matter. It wasn’t even that hard after all.

 

* * *

 

Raphael just shook his head at something Jacob said when his shifted to look at Simon talking with Clary Fairchild. About what was unknown to him even though he could hear them without any problem. He’d chosen against it that night.

“If you want us to go get him, just say the word,” one of his fellow vampires assured.

Raphael thought for a second and as he did, he couldn’t unsee the looks Lily and Jacob were dedicating him. Did they really think this was a conundrum for him? Haven’t they learned anything at all?

“There’s no need. Just go back to Hotel DuMort and rest. You definitely deserve it. We’ll catch up.”

The vampire nodded in acknowledgment and motioned for the rest of the clan to follow him. Raphael managed to thank them for helping that night before they disappeared completely from his side. Only confused Lily and Jacob remained by his side afterward.

“Okay, you do realize you’ve just sent away our only chance of catching Simon if things go south?” Jacob asked with widened eyes.

Raphael cocked his head to one side and lifted his eyebrows, unimpressed. “I’m not sacrificing anyone just because of one fledgling who doesn’t even want my help. And if tonight proved anything, it’s that he probably doesn’t even needs it. If he decides to go with them, just let him.”

“But... I don’t understand. I thought you had a deal with him.”

“One that you never intended to keep,” Lily concluded as the realization dawned on her.

Raphael pressed his lips into a thin line. “Simon is a free man. He has the right to choose his own path. And you and I both know that if he remained part of the clan against his will, he would run away sooner or later anyway. We have enough enemies as it is.”

Jacob and Lily just exchanged pointed looks but didn’t say anything else. Raphael let his eyes once again fall on Simon. He still wasn’t listening as Simon’s words about trust were the only thing going through his mind at that moment.

They’d been waiting in silence for only a few minutes when all of a sudden the Shadowhunter vigorously hugged Simon who returned the gesture right away and that seemed to make everything crystal clear. Raphael knew he should be more on edge in case Simon wouldn’t handle his hunger for blood, but something was telling him there was no reason to worry. After seeing the latter handle it so smoothly with Alec, Raphael had every reason to be impressed.

So he spun his head again to look at Lily and Jacob before commanding: “Let’s go.”

They wordlessly followed.

As did another pair of footsteps Raphael noticed right after.

“You’re leaving without me? Ouch,” Simon exclaimed, faking an offended look.

Lily glanced at Raphael before retracting back to Simon. “We just thought you’d rather stay with your friends.”

“I mean… I thought about it,” Simon pointed out, scratching the back of his head. “But I decided to give this a try instead. Besides, Raphael and I made a deal. He lived up to it and I intend to do the same.”

“There’s no deal,” Raphael announced without any hesitation.

“But you said-“

“And now I’m taking it all back. You’re free to go.”

“What Raphael means is that it’s your choice,” Lily clarified and scowled at Raphael before offering a reassuring smile for Simon. “You’re welcome to come with us, of course, as long as that’s what you want.”

Simon was quiet, but his eyes almost immediately found Raphael’s and lingered. Probably seeking any kind of sign that would prove he agreed with Lily’s statement or so Raphael thought. And he did agree, which was why he didn’t dare to break the eye contact he held with the fledgling and nodded if ever so slightly.

Simon’s tense body visibly relaxed. “In that case, lead the way and yeah, I’m sure if that what you are wondering about.”

Raphael pursed his lips skeptically. Even with his approval, this just seemed too... easy to be true. “Just like that? Not so long ago you almost burned alive because you wanted to run away.”

“That was different,” Simon growled in slight annoyance. “I simply changed my mind. People do that all the time. Don’t you?”

It surprised Raphael how stunned he suddenly was. Because somehow Simon knew exactly what he was talking about and the smile on his face was not weak or awkward but playful. And yes, he’d experienced smiles like this more times than he cared to count, but it was different now. The reason why, however, seemed further than ever.

"How can I know for sure you're not gonna pull something like that again?" he asked, cocked his head slightly to one side and arched one of his eyebrows.

Simon just shrugged. "That's the fun part. You can't. You just have to trust me. It's that simple."

A stiffened laugh escaped Jacob's mouth, but Raphael could hardly blame him as the corners of his lips couldn't help but quirk into an amused smile. Of course, Simon noticed immediately and formed a triumphant smirk right after.

Raphael admitted defeat without any protest as his own words had just been used against him yet again. Luckily, he was more surprised and impressed than anything else. And so he just turned around and motioned for all three vampires to follow him. Maybe things were really picking up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to tell me what you think. I promise I won't bite ;)


	11. Believe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's once again been over a month since my last update. Ouch. I'm sorry about that. In my defense, I started writing this chapter right after I updated the last one and I thought this one would be shorter. Now, I know, if I wanted this to be shorter, how come it has over 10k words? Well, it's probably because all those characters in this chapter just couldn't. Stop. Talking. But at least it was fun. Anyway, thanks for all the support! Enjoy!

Few days passed since Simon had officially settled down in Hotel DuMort. During those days, he hadn’t seen Raphael one single time. There were attempts when he’d channeled his enhanced hearing in hopes of tracking the clan leader down, and most of the time he’d succeeded, but every time he’d gotten to the right place, Raphael had been nowhere to be seen.

Simon knew better than to suspect his limited control of his senses was to blame when he had one more theory up his sleeve. Raphael was avoiding him. Rather than to be pissed off, Simon chose to be annoyed and eventually gave up his attempts.

He’d tried to address the problem with other vampires, but when they just shrugged or rolled their eyes in return, Simon decided to assume this was normal and never brought it up again.

Things weren't so bad when the vampires stayed within his reach, making him laugh just as easily as when he'd first met them. Maybe even more so.

He was just talking to Jacob and Derek when he suddenly noticed how both of them visibly stiffened and lost the carefree expressions he'd already gotten accustomed to. And before he could question it, Derek looked past him and said: "Elliott."

Simon spun around. There was a black man with dreadlocks standing in front of them. With a smile and back slouched so casually, it was clear even as a vampire he couldn't have been that old. Simon had already become familiar with the grace most vampires possessed that it wasn't so hard to notice when it was missing.

"Derek. Long time no see. One would think you've been avoiding me."

"Shocker," Derek sarcastically sighed and crossed arms over his chest.

"He just finally realized what a prick you are and found true friends for himself," Jacob dared with a smug smile.

Elliott begrudgingly aimed his eyes on him. "I really hope you mean the fledgling and Lily. You and I, Jacob, both know everyone here puts up with you just because they feel sorry for you."

Derek clenched his teeth. "Your imagination has always been one of a kind. It just hurts me to see what you're doing with it."

"Well, you can relax because I don't plan on staying long. I'm just here to make an offer to this fledgling."

"His name is Simon," Derek sneered.

Elliott cockily shrugged. "Which I would know if we were properly introduced. But it's okay, I'm here now to fix that." As he looked at Simon, his smile even widened. Simon could now easily see how strained it in fact was and ignored the shivers sent down his spine the best way he could. "Well, Simon, it's nice to finally meet you. I'm really sorry I haven't talked to you before, but as you can see I'm not particularly welcome in this part of the DuMort."

Simon looked around for a split second. It was true. Not just from the contempt that was on display from Derek and Jacob's side, but also from other vampires in the room. They were all on guard just like during his first day here. But it was also different in more ways than one.

"You brought that upon yourself," Jacob countered. "Vampires here, unlike others, are smart enough to know that."

"That's only one way of putting it. And at least I'm not a traitor like everyone here."

Simon tilted his head to one side as it dawned on him. He remembered mentions of Elliott and this group of vampires he obviously hadn’t met yet. Until now it hadn’t really bothered him, but now when he was willingly a part of this clan, it was only sensible to know how things were. And although he didn’t know the whole story, he could actually put two and two together.

“You’re sired to Camille,” he claimed.

Elliott pursed his lips, impressed. “Got that in one.” Then he looked at Jacob and Derek again. “I admire you, Jacob. Being friends with someone much smarter than you is never easy, but you’re pulling through. Like you always have been.”

Jacob scoffed and shook his head. “Last time I checked, the person I follow was in charge and the person you follow was locked up. Seems to me like I’m smart enough to know where my loyalties should lie. Unlike other people.”

“Raphael forgot where his place was.”

“You have that in common,” Derek deadpanned.

Elliott venomously chuckled. “As much as I’d like to stay here and exchange insults with you two, I should get back to my people.” His gaze fell on Simon before he left. “I can only imagine what you think of me right now, but I’ve had my share of being a fledgling under Raphael’s wing. So if you ever grow tired of him and these two idiots, you’re welcome to hang out with us anytime you want. No strings.”

“Don’t listen to him, Simon. He’s spent the better part of his life lying people to their faces,” Derek sneered.

“Well, I had the best teacher, didn’t I?” Elliott countered with a smug smile, took a step forward and lifted his hand to place it on Derek’s shoulder.

Jacob clutched his hand on instinct, stopping it halfway.

Elliott's gaze flew to Derek before back to Jacob and his smirk even widened. “How cute.”

Before Simon questioned it, Jacob’s gaze piqued his interest. Where he could’ve seen kindness just minutes ago was now rage he had never experienced. And although at first Jacob looked anything but intimidating with his thin posture, Simon now knew that he had as many reasons to fear him as he did when it came to Raphael.

But despite that, he wasn’t afraid at that exact moment. Because this was not the first time he’d seen Jacob act like this. So overprotective of Derek most people would consider it brotherly like Simon would. Now, however, considering his own experience with love, he couldn’t help but wonder whether there was anything more to those two vampires.

“Just leave him, Jay. He’s not worth it,” Derek claimed, trying to regain eye contact with Jacob.

But the latter just kept glaring at Elliott instead who could no longer help but hiss in pain. “Listen to Derek, Jay. Think about what Raphael would say to this.”

Jacob squeezed Elliott’s wrist just enough to see him squirm again. “Obviously, you don’t know Raphael at all. I doubt he would come to your rescue.”

“The old Raphael probably wouldn’t and I wouldn’t blame him. But he’s our leader now, which means he can’t stand by you whenever you fuck up. He needs to stand by all of us, equally.”

“Well, that’s funny because I’m sure I could count how many times your precious Camille stood by me on one hand. Or by your side too now when I think about it.”

“And here I thought Raphael was supposed to be better than her."

"He already is," Simon suddenly claimed so quietly he thought no one would hear him. But of course, all three of them turned their heads toward him with puzzled expressions on display.

Elliott was first to overcome that surprise and swiftly pulled his hand out of Jacob's grasp. "Oh? And you would know that because you've spent more time with him than I have? When was the last time you saw him anyway?

"I know he's not perfect, but I can't ignore the good things I've seen him do. He's trying. I'm sure of it. Which alone proves to me he shouldn't be compared to Camille."

"You seem to have Camille all figured out."

This time it was Simon's turn to smirk. And it felt freaking amazing. "Well, I'm sired to her too after all. The fact she killed me does put things into perspective. And besides," Simon remarked as he looked at both Derek and Jacob before retracting to Elliott again, "I believe them."

Derek and Jacob kept staring at him. Elliott lifted his eyebrows in disappointment. "Then I guess I misjudged you. You're not so smart after all. If I were you, I wouldn't give my trust away so easily. Especially to people who are lying to me on daily basis. You don't know them. Not as much as you should."

"At least I know something. And I can't say the same when it comes to you," Simon concluded and kept the eye contact with the older vampire firm as his life depended on it. Because defending Derek and Jacob was that important to him. He'd never experienced them acting this way and that created a strange unease in him.

Throughout these past days, they along with Lily had always been there to keep him company, to answer any question he might have had since Raphael had had other things to do, apparently. Those three vampires had actually kept him from going even more insane than he already had been. If nothing else, he owed it to them.

"Very well," Elliott backed down and shrugged. "But feel free to come to visit any time you want in case you change your mind. We even have a motorbike prepared for you, don't we, Derek?"

Elliott didn't give them any time to answer that. He just smirked at them for the last time before he left. The silence between them quickly got awkward and Simon was unbelievably grateful he didn't turn out to be the one breaking it.

"I hate that guy with a passion," Jacob sneered still clenching his right fist as if he could still cause pain to Elliott if he just squeezed hard enough.

Derek noticed that too and gently pressed his hand on Jacob's elbow. It took some time, but it did seem to do the trick as Jacob actually allowed himself to relax. Simon remembered how similar gestures used to work with him and Clary. Now he hated every possible reminder and himself too for keeping his hopes intact all this time. There didn’t go a day by when he wouldn’t find himself wishing he could erase the dull ache he was feeling in his unmoving heart, but he pushed it to the back part of his head like always.

“So that was the Elliott I’ve heard so much about?” he asked, keeping composure innocent and carefree.

As if Jacob only then realized he and Derek weren’t alone, he snapped out of the trance Derek had put him into and crossed arms over his chest.

Despite being a vampire, Derek visibly sighed in annoyance and Simon fought hard to hide how confused he was by the whole situation when Derek’s attention suddenly fell on him. “In the flesh.”

“Which is far more than he deserves,” Jacob growled. “He should be dead.”

“Are there many ways how to kill a vampire?” Simon wondered and slightly ducked his head when Derek scowled at him.

Jacob failed to notice any of that and just furrowed his eyebrows in thought. “Not so many, but sure there are. You just have to be creative and I would gladly be that for him.”

Derek ran a hand down his face in frustration. “Come again? And louder this time too because I’m not sure everyone in the DuMort heard you.”

“It’s not like vampires here would stop me. And Elliott’s henchmen wouldn’t stand in my way for long either.”

“Yeah, I’m sure Raphael would appreciate that,” Derek scoffed. “I’m not gonna pretend Elliott is more than just a liar. I know that better than anyone, but he was right about one thing. Raphael is our leader now which is a responsibility none of us should take lightly. We’re supposed to keep order in this place. Not giving Elliott reasons to start a war.”

“So I am the bad guy here?” Jacob furiously shouted.

“He came alone, Jay. Without anyone to defend him, he came here knowing exactly what you or anyone here are capable of. He’s a menace. He plans everything so it works out in his favor. If you'd attacked him-"

"He would've used that against me and the blame would've fallen on me, I know! I'm not that stupid, D, despite what everyone here thinks."

"What do you mean? Why would anyone think that?" Simon questioned.

Both Derek and Jacob glimpsed at him before their eyes met the ground. Just more dark secrets he wasn't supposed to know added to the pile? Seemed like this was his lucky day.

"You know what, forget it. You don't have to tell me. It's not my business anyway." Was it so pathetic that he really wanted it to be, though?

"It's not about that," Jacob argued, trying so hard to level his voice and failing. As he stood there clearly searching for the right words, Simon's discomfort even emphasized. Seeing Jacob's anger so openly on display was one thing, but now the man usually incapable of keeping it quiet was speechless. From his own experience, he knew that was one of the most obvious indicators this was much worse than he thought.

"According to Elliott we're lying to you on daily basis," Derek spoke instead now looking directly at him. "The truth is we all have something about ourselves we buried a long time ago. And it's not easy to come back to it. For any of us."

"You don't have to tell me any of it. It's cool, really. I understand." And he really did. A few days ago he might've felt differently about it. Coming back now to how he'd demanded so many answers from Raphael was just causing him a headache he supposed he would no longer be capable of feeling.

Now he knew better, however, and the fact he'd managed to survive days here without minding so much spoke volumes. Of course, he was curious to know what the vampires before him or Raphael on that matter were hiding from him, but it wasn't something he couldn't live without.

He knew he had no right to pry to their secrets when he himself wasn't ready to share his. If only Raphael had known that, maybe he would stop avoiding him once and for all or maybe he wouldn't. Simon was tired of trying to figure out which.

"Can I ask you one question? It's off the topic, I swear," he carried on and slightly relaxed when the two vampires weren't no longer avoiding his eye contact so determinedly. "Why is Raphael your leader? I mean, I kind of figured Camille is much older than any of you, even though my guesses are definitely not what I should be counting on, apparently, I know, but-"

"He was her second," Derek cut in.

"Okay, but why him of all people when he's so young? For a vampire, anyway. Why did she choose him as her second when she clearly hated him so much?"

"That's the thing," Jacob pointed out. "You can never be sure with her about anything. There could've been plenty of reasons."

"Maybe," Derek hypothesized, "she just needed to have him close to her so she could keep an eye on him. Maybe she loved having the upper hand over him. Or she might've not considered him a threat at all. We cannot know for sure, though."

Which was maybe a good thing.

"Have you ever thought about rioting against him?" Simon sputtered before his brain could prevent it. And he regretted those words right after.

Both Derek and Jacob broke the eye contact with him to look once again on the ground and stiffened.

Simon timidly wrapped his hands around his hips as the awkward silence enfolded them. Luckily, Jacob was not that speechless anymore.

"Would you want us to, Simon?" And that nagged at his lifeless heart so much he felt his knees go weak.

"Wha- no! It's not that, I swear. I was just curious. You gotta believe me."

But Derek and Jacob didn't say anything. They just kept staring him up and down until he started shaking. Could vampires even shake? Apparently so, although he hated that this was how he had to find out.

"Guys, you don't really think I'm capable of that, do you?"

Once again only silence was all he got. But as an answer, it was more than enough. What was he expecting anyway when he was questioning their loyalty to their leader? What right did he have? None. So why couldn't he have realized that before he'd opened his damn mouth?

"You know what, just forget it. It was all stupid of me to ask anyway," he concluded with his eyes now aiming at the ground beneath his feet too. He didn't look back at them as he stormed out of there with a couple of vampires, whose names were still causing him trouble, glaring at him harshly. Just as they had been at Elliott.

Simon didn't blame them. It was rightfully justified. He just hated how the progress he'd thought he'd made once again crumbled to the ground. A few days meant a big deal to him. To vampires it was nothing. Which was only one of many things he loathed he had to get used to.

 

* * *

 

“Hey, Simon, wait up,” Derek called after him as he caught up.

Simon froze, took a deep breath and resisted the urge to laugh at himself. There was probably no way he would stop breathing so soon, wasn’t there?

“I’m serious, Derek, I should've stayed quiet. So you don't have to explain anything to me,” he assured with all honesty he could muster. If only it had been enough.

“Walk with me," Derek muttered and motioned for him to follow which Simon did without a question. Somehow this whole following orders thing had gotten easier once Simon had a chance to get to know them better. And at least this way, he could possibly forget he was still shaking.

"I can't answer all your questions, Simon, but the ones I can, I believe you deserve to know."

"What about Raphael?" The probably most secretive person he had ever met. How could he be okay with that?

"Well, he isn't here to stop me, is he?"

"Guess not," Simon agreed and shrugged. But he still wasn't one hundred percent sure this just wouldn't come to bite him in the ass at some point later.

"You were right, Simon," Derek continued. "With Raphael's age and experience, compared to most of us here, it makes sense to question why he is the leader and why no one besides Camille's sired vampires has thought of going against him. But I could never do it."

"Why?" He didn't mean to judge or anything. He just really wished to know more.

"Did you know that all vampires Camille sired follow her? All but two. And they're both in this hallway."

Simon didn't have to look around to know they were alone, but the shock was strong nonetheless. "You're sired to Camille?"

"Not just that. For many decades I used to be her second. All the vampires who now follow Elliott used to be under my command."

Simon suddenly stopped, studying the floor like it was the most fascinating thing he'd ever seen. He had countless questions, but he wasn't capable of voicing any of them. It just didn't make any sense.

"You... you were her second in command? Before Raphael?"

Derek nodded slowly. "And not the kind Raphael was. I actually believed her every word, followed her everywhere she told me to. I didn't care what kind of consequences my actions would eventually cause. Because of that, I did many things I can now only regret."

"Then why did you do it?"

"Because no one had ever tried to show me there was a different way. Back then, most vampires here just minded their own business. Words 'unity' and 'family' didn't mean anything."

Simon didn't even want to fathom how lonely that must have been. "Then Raphael came."

Derek weakly smiled. "He did. Soon after that, he started turning things upside down. Camille was slowly losing control and that eventually led to her being more and more paranoid."

It was difficult to picture Camille in a different way than the one Simon had already firmly attached to his mind. But as he was standing there, listening, his point of view was slowly changing. It wasn't about sympathy. He still couldn't think of Camille without any contempt, but somehow he understood.

Paranoia for a vampire must have been normal. It was why Derek and Jacob had acted the way they had when he'd questioned their loyalty. What mattered the most, however, was whether they chose to act on it in the end.

But one thing still didn't make any sense. What role did Elliot have in any of this? "What about Elliott?"

"He was a way out of this whole drama for me. As a mundane, he had principles, he had my respect. He was my best friend. My only friend in fact."

"What happened?"

"Camille saw him merely as my weakness. She was worried I would eventually turn my back on her. So she killed him and brought him back as a vampire."

Simon sighed and shook his head. How could someone destroy the lives of others like that? Without any remorse or desire to change. It was so easy to blame her vampirism for that. But it was also utterly wrong. He knew that now.

"But there's more to it, isn't there? The transition couldn't have affected him so much it would change who he was inside," he pointed out.

"No, but the people around you can. I learned that the hard way. Elliott became a vampire at the worst time possible. Raphael and I were supposed to help him, but we couldn't agree on anything. The hatred we had for one another ran so deep we didn't even realize we were creating a monster until it was too late. Camille already had him under her thumb."

Simon didn't respond. Nor did he have the strength to look at Derek anymore. He was trying the best he could to understand it, to believe it, but something like that seemed further than ever. This was the story he'd yearned to know the whole time. Now he wished he'd never thought about it.

But there was one thing he wished more. That neither Derek or Raphael had had to go through that.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. Funny thing was he genuinely meant it. He honestly wanted to help. And it was killing him he couldn't.

"Don't be. We brought it upon ourselves. At some point, it was a good thing. It made me realize Camille was no longer someone I should follow."

"But you said you'd hated Raphael so why did you choose him over her?"

"Camille got rid of me after it was clear she no longer needed me. Everyone shunned me. I was completely alone."

"What about Lily and Jacob?"

"I was nothing more for them than Elliott is now. Just a henchman, Camille's sidekick who could never be trusted. Raphael was the first person willing to look past that. He gave me a second chance and eventually convinced both Lily and Jacob to do the same. I owe him more than I could possibly ever make up for.”

Simon smiled when he realized he finally stopped shaking. Maybe something good could come of something so bad after all. Maybe that was how he should've been looking at things right away.

And when it came to Raphael, most of his questions ceased to exist. He no longer needed to know why other vampires respected and followed him of all people because Derek had already given him enough reasons for that. It even eased the bitterness he felt every time he remembered Raphael was still avoiding him. And he was beyond grateful for all that.

"Thank you for telling me," he concluded, grinning so openly he no longer minded Derek could clearly see it.

Surprisingly, Derek did his best to reciprocate it. "Piece of advice for you, Simon, if I may."

Simon merely lifted his eyebrows in question.

"Don't stay quiet. You have the right to demand to know more as much as any of us. Just be patient with Raphael. He'll come around eventually."

Luckily, that was something Simon could gladly promise and believe. Which was one of the reasons why he was still smiling even after he and Derek parted ways that day.

 

* * *

 

Alec refused to take a break when he got back to the Institute, defeated, angry, bewildered. Despite those feelings messing with his head, he shrugged them off in order to focus on what was really important. It worked every time.

Finding out Jace had taken the Cup pushed his buttons even more than their fight had, but if nothing else, at least it proved to be a good distraction for Lydia during his investigation.

While catching Valentine was still his priority, he was now one member of his team short. Two, if he counted Clary as a member too which he did solely for statistics. But the point was, he couldn't afford to lose another.

And so he searched for all those Shadowhunters he remembered accompanying him and Meliorn to the City of Bones, asking them what they remembered. They gave him the same story, which meant they'd been knocked down by either a werewolf or a vampire.

Then there was Raj, who supported that story, but mentioned it wasn't a Downworlder that had put him down. It was a Shadowhunter.

Alec cursed inwardly as it dawned on him. Of course, Isabelle would pull something like that, completely unaware of how it could compromise her. But still, for now, it was only him and Raj who knew so he could work with that before it was too late.

So he claimed he would handle that and speak with Lydia about it as soon as possible. Raj didn't seem to believe him. Whether it was because Alec was a poor liar or because Raj doubted he would willingly snitch on his sister Alec didn't know, but in the end, it made little difference.

Alec invested following days to trying to figure out a way how to prevent the truth from coming out. He failed on all fronts. And while Raj hadn't apparently gone after Lydia, Alec couldn't help but worry he would run out of time soon.

And so here he was standing in front of Magnus' door, mustering the courage to knock. Asking the warlock for help was a solution that had occurred to him almost immediately, but he shook it out without giving it a second thought. Until he actually had to delve into that option and decided he didn't actually have any better choice much to his dismay.

"Are you just going to stand there?" he suddenly heard from the other side of that door and pushed all those thoughts to the back of his head and finally knocked.

The door opened to reveal the High Warlock of Brooklyn already with a drink in hand and a smile Alec had caught himself thinking of a few times for no reason.

"I need your help," he cut right to the point as he entered the apartment.

"Good to see you too. May I ask how your wife is doing?"

"I'm not married yet."

"I'd sure hope so considering I haven't been invited so far," Magnus pointed out and lifted his eyebrows. "But that's okay. It allows me to have faith it's still within your power to do what you want."

"This is what I want."

Another smile flashed on Magnus' face before he took a sip and placed his drink on the table next to him. "What can I do for you today, Alexander?"

Alec was grateful the topic changed so quickly. "I assume Raphael briefed you in on what happened during the transfer of Meliorn to the City of Bones."

"He might've mentioned something, yes."

"The point is," Alec carried on and sighed, "Izzy was there too and put down one of the men that went with me."

"And you're worried he'll talk," Magnus finished for him. "The question is why hasn't he already?"

"I told him I'd inform Lydia about it myself."

Magnus' eyebrows shot up in wonder. "And he believed you?"

"Not really. But so far he hasn't said anything to my knowledge. I need to keep it that way, Magnus. If Lydia finds out Izzy was there, she'll go to trial. They'll strip her of her runes. I won't allow that."

"Even if you have to go against the rules to keep her out of harm?"

Alec’s lips parted for a split second before they closed shut again when he realized he didn’t have anything to say to that. When he’d lied to Raj, he hadn’t really thought about it. He’d just done it on instinct.

With that single question, however, he could no longer remain oblivious. He just wished it had been really that simple. His whole life, he’d always tried what he’d thought was right. Which meant following the rules he’d had to learn a long time ago. He was used to it. Something like that had felt so normal to him like breathing or walking. He’d been doing it on instinct without his consciousness.

Yet now when he thought about sticking to that principle, following the rules and letting Izzy be punished so severely, he felt sick. The whole idea just seemed so wrong he couldn’t bring himself to even consider it. He just felt so out of place. What had changed?

“You came to me,” Magnus started pointing out, “instead of your fiancée. You surely must be aware that whatever we decide here on doing won’t be something your Institute would commend you for.”

“I am aware of that, it's just..." Alec promptly replied but failed to finish.

"I see," Magnus claimed and when Alec's eyes found him again, a kind smile was decorating his face. "I assume you're new to this whole doing-something-behind-others'-back-thing, aren't you?"

“What does that have to do with anything?” Alec huffed.

“Quite a lot. I’d dare even say it has everything to do with it. Your sister went against the Clave’s wishes, Alexander. She might not hurt anybody, but she still disobeyed her orders. It’s going to be hard to fix this problem following the rules.”

Alec slowly blinked and ran a hand through his hair. “So what? Am I supposed to do nothing and watch her getting locked up while Jace and Clary come of this unpunished?”

“Not if you tell the truth.”

“I’m not a snitch, Magnus. I may disagree on how he handles things, but I would never do that to him.”

The corners of Magnus’ lips quirked into a smile so warm his heart dared to skip a beat, leaving him in utter bewilderment.

“I know. You wouldn’t have come to me if that hadn’t been the case.”

That was thankfully enough to get his head back in the game. “I just wish she wasn’t any part of this.”

“It was her own decision, Alexander. You can’t take that way from her. And besides, she did it for love.”

“And look where that has gotten her.”

“Says the man who is willing to do anything to leave his own sister out of harm for the same reason.”

Alec felt like someone had just slapped him. Which was ridiculous because Magnus hadn’t been anything else but nice to him since they’d met.

And those were just words. They shouldn’t move him so much and yet he couldn’t get his mind around them.

Especially when they combined with all the things Simon had told him. Both he and Magnus somehow kept insisting on being a part of his life which was yet another thing he didn’t understand.

Izzy would always say he had these walls around his heart that were hard to climb but not impossible which made trying ultimately fun. Normally, it would bother him, but it wasn’t so common people around would give it a try and even when they had, they’d usually give up sooner or later.

With Magnus and Simon, he didn’t think that would be the case. But those were two people who hardly knew him, doing their best to stay in his life. The whole idea was so surreal to him, he hated himself for lingering on this topic for so long.

Why did they care? Why couldn’t they just stay away like everybody else?

Did he even want them to?

“Look, Alexander,” Magnus began and placed his hand on Alec’s shoulder so gently Alec failed to notice the urge to immediately rebuff the gesture. “I’m not saying that what Isabelle did was right. All I know is her intentions were as pure as they could be.”

“The Clave won’t see it that way.”

“Maybe that only proves your law is flawed and could benefit from a few changes. Just like all of us.”

Alec scowled, puzzled, which made Magnus chuckle. “Just think it through. You have some time. I’m not going anywhere.”

Alec wrapped his arms around his hips. He didn’t need the time to figure things out anymore. Frankly, when he’d come here, his mind had been pretty much made up on what approach to take. Now he was firmly sure he had to do this for Izzy even though it was against all his principles. All but one, in fact, telling him to protect people closest to him whatever it takes.

Back when Simon had tried to remind him of that, he was too blinded to see it. Now it was crystal clear.

So, for now, he could afford to be glad Simon and Magnus hadn’t given up.

“What do you suggest we do?”

Magnus took his hand off Alec’s shoulder to pour himself another drink. He didn’t offer any to Alec, for which Alec was really grateful. Only so much was keeping him awake at this point and alcohol would jeopardize that instantly. He’d never understood the point of drinking anyway.

“I think the most harmless way is to make him forget Isabelle was there in the first place,” Magnus claimed as he took a sip. “Just a slight alteration of his memory. He won’t feel anything and it’s secure.”

“Okay, what’s the catch?”

“Memories are not really my expertise, but, luckily for you, I’ve got one person in mind who could help.”

Alec cocked his head to one side as the realization dawned on him. “You don’t really mean...”

“He’s the easiest one to reach and you can be sure he won’t tell anything.”

Alec sighed and inwardly cursed. He was so not ready to see Raphael again. Especially after what had happened the last time they’d seen one another. But he’d come to Magnus and if the warlock really thought this was the best way to fix things, then he should just trust him.

“Fine, I’ll do it.”

“Very well, I can portal us to the Hotel shortly.”

“No,” Alec almost barked back, but he was really tired. He just wanted to be done with this. Taking deep breaths and drinking too much coffee could only get him so far. “Could you just ask him to get here?”

“Because you don’t want to be in the building full of vampires?”

Alec just glared at him. “Because Simon would be there and I’m not in the mood to see him.”

After a few seconds of awkward silence, Magnus finally nodded. “Okay, I’ll talk to him.”

“Text me the time I should be here as soon as you know.”

“Or you could just stay here?”

Alec frowned, crossing arms over his chest.

Magnus rolled his eyes. “I don’t have to be a warlock to see you’re clearly exhausted. All this must be taking quite a toll on you. I have a few spare bedrooms. Feel free to use one of them while we wait on Raphael.”

“I really should-“

“Get back to your other duties? You can barely stand on your feet. Just take a couple of hours, please.”

Alec slowly blinked. He might carry on protesting, but he no longer had enough energy. And the offer was just too tempting.

“Just for a few hours.”

“That’s all I want,” Magnus agreed with a triumphant smile and showed him the way to the nearest bedroom. It wasn’t the one Simon had been in when he was unconscious and Alec considered that a nice touch before he fell on the huge bed and finally closed his eyes for good.

 

* * *

 

Raphael felt annoyed after his call with Magnus. The warlock hadn’t specified why he needed him to come, but it was supposed to be urgent which meant Raphael would come whether he really believed it or not.

A knock on the door to his suite push those thoughts to the back part of his mind. He lifted his head to see Derek already standing in the doorway.

“What are you doing here?” he asked on instinct.

“Just a friendly visit. After all, it’s been some time, don’t you think? What have you been up to when you clearly weren’t with Simon?”

Raphael narrowed his eyes. “That’s what this is about?”

“Yes, Raphael, it is about that because I don’t think you get it.”

“I’ve been busy.”

Derek cocked his head to one side. “With what? Avoiding Simon on every possible occasion?”

“With keeping the peace,” Raphael deadpanned. “In case you haven’t noticed, not everyone here is willing to follow us.”

“No shit.”

Raphael’s eyebrows shot up. Since when was Derek talking like this? But then it struck him. _Of course._ “Jay is really starting to rub off on you. I’d be more careful if I were you.”

Derek’s eyes widened in horror, an indication he would definitely be blushing if his vampire psychology allowed him to. “You’re just trying to change the subject, but it won’t work, Raphael.”

Raphael slowly blinked. He really wasn’t in the mood to deal with Derek’s scolding him even though it was justified. He knew he was stalling, avoiding Simon without any rational reason and most importantly, he knew it was wrong and unfair, especially after Simon had willingly chosen to go with them instead of his Shadowhunter friends.

And yet it wasn’t enough to get him moving. If his mother had still been alive, she wouldn’t have even looked him in the eye for that. She could spend weeks avoiding him, demanding he would openly admit she’d been right. Which she always had been. It used to drive Raphael beyond crazy. Now he just missed it more than anything.

There were times he couldn’t help but wonder whether she would recognize him as he was now. Because his face was destined to look the same for all eternity, but it was what was on the inside that worried him. It was constantly changing, rarely for the better. Inside, he just felt so far from the boy he used to be he alone had troubles recognizing him now.

So maybe it was really for the better he’d left before his mother would meet the same fate.

“Look,” Derek stuttered out, “I’m not judging you. I may not like what you’re doing, but it doesn’t mean I don’t understand. I’m just worried. About you and Simon. Elliott paid him a visit today. You can probably imagine why.”

Raphael almost growled in annoyance. Of course, he could. That bastard hadn’t even been there when Raphael had come to check on Camille’s sired. Now he knew why and it was taking most of his will not to act on it.

“And what does Simon think about his offer?”

“He declined, but you know Elliott. He’s willing to use everything to put someone down. Jay was with us and... Simon has now more questions than ever.”

“I bet he does.”

“I told him Elliott was under our care when he was a fledgling, explained my history with Camille. I didn’t mention any details, but I needed to give him something, Raphael. Otherwise, we’d lose him too.”

“I know,” Raphael replied instantly. “You did the right thing, D. He’s gonna have to find about everything anyway if he sticks with us.”

“And you must be the one to tell him.”

Raphael scowled at him. “Everything?” Derek just nodded. “You sure?”

Another nod. “Everyone here knows, Raphael. I’m the last person who has something to hide.”

“That doesn’t mean it has to be dragging after you wherever you go.”

Derek weakly smiled. “It’s always going to keep dragging after me no matter what. I’ve made my peace with that a long time ago. I’m too old to be pissed about it anyway.”

Raphael just gripped his fists tightly, eying aimlessly. It just wasn’t fair.

“It’s okay, Raphael,” Derek claimed honestly, making Raphael look back at him. “It really is. In fact, I want Simon to know. Besides, he could definitely use some closure.”

At this Raphael scoffed and finally relaxed a bit. “Brilliant. How do you expect me to give him that?”

Derek cast a smirk onto his face. Another move he must have learned simply by spending so much time with Jacob. “I actually think you’re the only one who can give it to him.”

Raphael cocked his head to one side, arching one of his eyebrows in disbelief.

Derek's smirk only widened, his look far too knowing to Raphael's liking. "You'll figure it out. You always do."

Raphael remained unconvinced, unable to understand how he of all people could be so significant in all this. Because he'd had to train many fledglings before Simon. Half of them would say he'd done a good job. The other half was now following Elliott's command, claiming Raphael hadn't done enough for them. And Raphael would believe them no matter how his friends would try to convince him of the opposite. It was part of his nature he sometimes loathed more than anything.

It was why he found it so difficult to face Simon. Part of him was terrified beyond imagination he would just add this fledgling to the enormous pile of his failures. The other part was damning him for just standing by when it was obviously already starting to happen.

What he was doing wasn't right or fair. Especially when he'd chosen to do something about it just to start stalling right after. That was yet another thing he was starting to have in common with Camille. At the same time, however, it was yet another reason for him to finally take some action and change that.

He looked at the time. It was getting dark which meant he had to go before Magnus would portal him to his apartment without asking for permission first like he had so many times Raphael had lost count.

"Got somewhere you need to be?" Derek asked before Raphael could leave.

"Magnus called. He needs my help with something."

Derek nodded and smiled. "Then you better not keep him waiting. But before you go, just promise me one thing."

Raphael kept their eye contact still as Derek continued. "You’ll talk to him. Because this whole avoiding policy you have, you’ve used it before and it never worked. It’s just gonna backfire on you and Simon doesn’t deserve that. It's not what she taught you either. And if you’ve really got your hands full, just lay some of that on us. We’re your seconds, Raphael, so don’t cut us short. We can handle the clan, even Elliott, and you handle Simon. So what do you say? It's a deal?"

Raphael let his head lower if ever so slightly but nodded regardless. And before he left, he'd dared to try to fix one more thing he'd been judging himself for.

"About you and Jay... if you need to talk about it, I'm always here for you."

Derek immediately lost the carefree smile decorating his face. He was no longer facing Raphael but the ground beneath his feet instead. It was enough for Raphael to already feel guilty for ever saying anything.

"Why would I want to talk about it with you?" the latter blurted out. Raphael bit the inner side of his cheek and shrugged even though those words hurt. He knew he was probably the last person who could help those two idiots, but they were his friends, his family. He hated seeing them in pain so even if he had no idea how to help, to understand, he had to at least try.

"Just a thought," he coldly replied and headed for the door.

"Wait," Derek stopped him at once. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way."

Raphael no longer dared to look at him. "I know what you meant."

"No, it's really not about what you think it is," Derek emphasized. "I just think there's nothing to talk about."

That was something Raphael could believe because the latter had always been oblivious no matter how exhausting Raphael or Lily would find it to be. So he swallowed his hurt and forced himself to look at the other vampire. "Feel free to talk with me about nothing anyway. I won't mind." Just like he wouldn't mind with Jacob instead.

Derek weakly smiled and slowly nodded. "I'll keep that in mind."

After that Raphael took his leave, making his way to Magnus' apartment.

 

* * *

 

"You've gotta be kidding me," were the first words that came out of his mouth once Magnus let him in to see Alec there.

"Nice to see you too," Magnus said as they made their way to the living room. "Now we can finally-"

"Whatever it is you want from me," Raphael cut him off. "The answer is no. I'm not doing anything for him."

"Just let us explain," Magnus pleaded.

"You mean like they let me?" Raphael challenged and turned his head to glare at Alec. "I suggest you take off back to your precious Institute. I'm sure you'll find plenty of people there willing to help you."

"The Institute can't know about any of this," Alec firmly stated.

"And why's that?"

"You, your vampires and the werewolves were there when my mission got compromised. That's the story most Shadowhunters believe, but one of them thinks my sister had something to do with it as well and it's only a matter of time before he talks."

"We need you to use your Encanto on him," Magnus finished.

"So all of a sudden, the errand boy here doesn't want to do something by the book?" Raphael emphasized sarcastically. "I must've failed to get the memo."

"Will you help me or not?" Alec demanded, visibly clenching his teeth.

"Shouldn't your people be more concerned about Valentine than one Shadowhunter that allowed a Downworlder to escape?"

"I think that's something we all can agree on," Magnus pointed out. "Therefore, we should make sure the Institute stays focused on what's really important by rectifying this problem for them."

"And if I say no?" Raphael challenged.

Magnus rolled his eyes. "You could do that, but you’re not the only vampire I’m friends with. I’m sure Jacob would help us without being so obnoxious about it all the time."

Raphael flopped his head back in annoyance, fully aware he no longer had any say in the matter. "He's got a soft spot for you."

Magnus smiled smugly. "Luckily for him, it's mutual."

Raphael shook his head in surrender and let his eyes fall on Alec. "Fine, I'll do it."

He still felt annoyed he had to help someone he had zero respect for, but since Jacob wasn't apparently the only person Magnus had a soft spot for, Raphael guessed he must get used to things like this. After all, it was obvious by now that when the warlock fell for someone, he tended to fall really hard.

Then Raphael remembered Simon's words and finally allowed himself to look at this from a better light. The very one Magnus had probably wanted him to see the whole time. _...that's the only way you can change the way everyone looks at vampires. You help._

With that in mind, his annoyance quickly faded out and he could finally focus on what he should've right from the start - helping Simon.

By the time his Encanto was cast, he had an idea in his mind. Although it required a serious amount of effort and crossing borders he hadn't expected he would cross that day, he somehow found it within him to take his chances anyway.

After all, he now had all the rights he needed to demand something in return from both Alec and Magnus.

 

* * *

 

Simon was tired. While socializing was something he considered essential for his sanity's survival, even he could get exhausted from it easily. Especially when it felt like Lily had been subtly keeping him close just so he wouldn't end up being alone. Probably because she was worried he would seek Elliott without either of his vampire friends knowing or so he thought.

If that was the case, he would be mad, but at that moment, he was just really glad he'd managed to slip out and head for his room, already looking forward to getting some rest.

When he entered, however, all his fatigue got pushed to the back of his mind, completely forgotten. Because there his room was now filled with all his guitars, recording equipment, everything he needed for his music.

He immediately made his way to his favorite guitar, trailing the tips of his fingers along the instrument just to make sure he wasn't making this up. A smile fought its way onto his face when he found out he indeed was not. That was the time he heard a gentle knock on his door.

"You have quite a collection," a voice he knew too well by now resonated through the room and when Simon turned around, he found Raphael leaning on the doorway.

Simon definitely failed to realize he was gaping before it was too late to hide it. "You did this... for me?"

Raphael shrugged. "I figured your room could benefit from some kind of familiarity since you decided to stay here for a while."

Simon bit his nether lip in thought. Only then it really occurred to him Raphael must have somehow broken into his home, his room, to get all this stuff here and while the gesture was really nice and appreciated, it was also kind of creepy. Especially after the vampire had been merely ignoring him before.

"So let me get this straight. You visited my house, you were in my room and took most of my stuff here without telling me anything about it first?"

"I had help."

"From a bunch of vampires?" Simon deadpanned.

Raphael seemed to be unfazed by that. "From Magnus and your friends Alec and Luke. Your mother wouldn't have let us in if Luke hadn't been there."

Simon exhaled in relief at that. Although the idea still sounded weird to him, it was soothing to know Luke, the only father figure he'd ever had, had given his consent to all this and made sure his mom and Becca hadn't had a heart attack.

He still didn't feel one hundred percent comfortable that Raphael had been in his house, but it no longer seemed so creepy to him. More like Twilight kind of creepy and Bella still loved Edward despite that. Why he chose that example of all possible ones he had no idea, but maybe being creepy was just one more thing the pop culture had managed to get right about vampires.

He could've asked, could've demanded Raphael wouldn't pull anything like this ever again, but part of him was too scared the latter would go back to avoiding him if he did. And they would be right at the beginning.

So he pushed all these thoughts away and focused on the mere fact his room now looked less dull and homier thanks to Raphael.

"So you didn't use any Encanto tonight or something like that?" he asked just to make sure no harm was done on his family.

Raphael dedicated him an unimpressed stare.

Simon held up his hands in defense. "I was just checking." Only then it dawned on him how unrealistic it all sounded. "How did you manage to get Alec and Luke's help?"

"The Shadowhunter owed me a favor. The werewolf was easy to convince once I explained why I needed his help. Which reminds me...," Raphael pointed out and pulled something from his pocket, tossing it at Simon right after.

Simon caught it at the last second and blinked multiple times when he realized it was his phone.

"You better use that to call him. He definitely suspects I torture you on daily basis."

Simon silently chuckled. "That sounds like Luke." Then he tried to turn it on without any expectations since the phone must have been dead for quite a while by now. His eyes widened in shock when the display lightened instantly with a completely charged battery.

Raphael rolled his eyes when he noticed the suspicion written all over his face. "Relax, Simon. I just charged it for you. That's it."

Simon once again exhaled, an action that definitely hadn't go unnoticed by the other vampire, but he didn't comment on it so Simon didn't even try to make himself stop.

"You always suspect the worse, don't you?" Raphael more stated than asked.

"Force of habit. Sorry," Simon replied and bashfully wrapped his arms around his hips. "And thanks for this, but you really didn't have to go through the trouble. I wouldn't take Elliott up on his offer anyway." That was why Raphael had done all this, wasn't it? Either Jacob or Derek must have told him about it, so what other reason could he possibly have had?

"I didn't doubt that," Raphael claimed, putting a stop to Simon's train of thought without any hesitation.

Simon's eyes widened in disbelief. "You didn't? Not even for a second?"

"It took me literal days to get you to listen to me. If you've managed to prove anything it's that your trust is hard to earn."

Simon tilted his head to one side in wonder. "So it would what, personally offend you if I joined forces with someone I just met?"

"I don't think Lily, Jacob or Derek would ever look you in the eye either if you pulled something like that."

"Seems like I know where my loyalty should lie after all," Simon remarked with a smug smile.

"For once."

"I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that," Simon said and lost his smile only when another question popped up in his mind. "But if you didn't do it because of Elliott, then why?"

Raphael pressed his lips into a thin line and dared to come closer to properly face him. "For avoiding you instead of helping you like I should've been from the start. You could've left with your Shadowhunter friends and never turn back, but you didn't. And I turned away from you. For that I'm sorry."

"You could've just talked to me about it, though. All I wanted from you, Raphael, was for you to be there. I didn't need any grand gestures like this."

"I know, but it's like I told you. I figured your room could benefit from some kind of familiarity."

"So you convinced a bunch of supernatural beings to move most of my stuff here?"

"I know what it's like to feel like you don't belong, like the right to choose has been taken from you. If I can do something to prevent others from going through that, it's wrong to hesitate."

Simon couldn't help but smile. It wasn't every day that he was actually glad he was wrong about something. But if the warm feeling he felt inside his otherwise deadly cold body was anything to go by, which it was, he suddenly found himself wishing to be wrong like this more often.

"Thank you. For all this. It really means a lot to me," he sheepishly murmured and widened his smile when he noticed how the corners of Raphael's lips quirked if ever so slightly. Simon didn't have to know the guy so well like his vampire friends did to know that was his own way of saying "you're welcome".

“I’m sorry too.“

Raphael frowned, confused. “For what?”

“I haven’t been making it easy for us to connect either. I was just angry and I’m sorry I took most of that out on you when Camille or even Clary deserved it more. My emotions have been getting the better of me lately.”

“That’s normal when you’re a fledgling.”

“So you’re gonna help me with that once we start training?”

Raphael was taken aback by the request for a few seconds. “You still want _me_ to train you?”

Simon stared him down, puzzled. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“I just thought you’d prefer vampires you actually get along with.”

“If that was true, why would I insist on you coming with us to save Meliorn?” Simon asked and cleared his throat awkwardly at the memory. “Derek told me I couldn’t possibly be in better hands and I believe him. Besides, I would’ve gone insane from my enhanced hearing if it wasn’t for you. So just point me to a place and time and I’ll be there.”

“How about you meet me in the library tomorrow evening?”

“Sounds good,” Simon agreed and let his head down when he realized one more thing was troubling his mind. “Can I ask you something before you go?” When Raphael motioned for him to continue, he rubbed the back of his head nervously.

“I was just wondering about what you and Alec said. What was that about?”

Raphael turned his head to study him, only exacerbating Simon's anxiety. Oh well, maybe he really should start working on his curiosity before someone would actually gut him for it.

Mere seconds before he could take that question back, however, Raphael found it within him to speak. "I was there when the Shadowhunters brought you and the werewolf to Magnus. Making potions that could help you get Camille's blood out of your body."

"You were making potions? For me?" Not even fake breathing could get him past the shock those words caused. Raphael had tried to help him? "I-I thought there was no other way to get past the hallucinations besides resisting it."

"There isn't. Doesn't mean that would stop me from trying to find one. Unfortunately, I wasn't there to make sure it would work on you. That's why Alec blames me for your transition."

Well, at least that fact made sense. "And what do you think?"

"I think a lot of things could've gone differently that night. Like me staying or Alec making sure you wouldn't be left alone in the room with Clary of all people. Maybe that way you still would've been alive."

"I don't think it's healthy for you to dwell on maybes so much. Or for Alec either."

That stunned Raphael so much Simon started thinking the latter hadn't heard him. "You... are not mad?"

"I know I probably should be, but honestly, I'm tired of it, Raphael. Of being angry all the time. Of constantly pointing fingers. It's not like it changes anything anyway."

"Your friends don't see it that way."

"Well, it's not their problem, it's mine. I'm the vampire who has to get used to everything. Maybe that's part of G-" Simon almost choked. So much for getting used to things. "Maybe that's part of the big guy's plan for me." He really couldn't have come up with something less weird, could he?

Well, at least it did make Raphael smile. "You believe in God?"

Simon snorted. Of course, he could say that without any difficulty. Was there even something he couldn't do?

"Show off. But since you asked, yeah, I do. I'm...can I still be Jewish if I'm a vampire?"

"If I can be Catholic, you can damn well be Jewish."

Raphael was a Catholic? Just another thing he would have never guessed, but it was nice to know a detail like that. And it piqued his interest to know more, but that was a thought for another time.

"Good to know not everything has to change," he pointed out and offered the latter a kind smile. "But anyway, I don't blame you or Alec for any of this. So don't you dare to blame yourself either."

"I can try," Raphael muttered back and Simon just rolled his eyes because those three words definitely didn't sound as convincing as they should've, but Simon was willing to let it slide for now.

"I think the two of us should make a new deal. And also stick to it this time," he announced, eying Raphael at the last sentence who just glared at him in return. "First of all no avoiding. We actually talk and listen to one another and once my training is complete, I'll be free to leave. I'm going to stay here like I promised, but I want to have the right to leave when I'm no longer a threat to others."

"You've thought this through," Raphael stated.

"Well, I had the time," Simon teased and shrugged. It was a win-win for both of them. It wasn't like Raphael would miss him once he was gone anyway. "So what do you say? Deal?"

Raphael stared at his stretched out hand long enough to make Simon nervous. He now desperately wished he could read the latter the way other vampires could. Maybe he hadn't thought this through as much as he should've after all. Until now it hadn't really crossed his mind Raphael would actually say no to this. It just didn't make any sense.

But he didn't have to worry for long. After a few more seconds Raphael firmly shook his hand, not looking anywhere else but at him. "Deal."

As Simon let his hand return to his side, he realized he was suddenly gripping a piece of paper. "What's this?"

Raphael cast a smile onto his face like it was the easiest thing on this world. "A way to connect."

Simon watched him leave his room before he took a closer look at the paper and almost gasped when he realized what he was seeing.

Five names he knew too well by now with what could only be cellphone numbers attached to each of them. Raphael, Lily, Jacob, Derek. The last one Simon had to read over multiple times to actually believe it was real. Even then it just seemed far too surreal.

Because it was Alec's number and Simon could only imagine what Raphael must have gone through to actually get it. Maybe one day he would ask him. But for now, he could just relish in the fact that something good had finally happened.

He definitely must have stared at that piece of paper for solid few minutes before it even occurred to him he'd forgotten to breathe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I'm gonna regret how I changed Alec's storyline, but I was too weak. I wanted to keep him more connected to the Downworld so hopefully, something good will come of it. By the way, the thing between Jacob and Derek does have its purpose I swear. And Raphael is trying and I love him for it. Creating his backstory with our three vampires is a lot of fun.
> 
> Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed :)


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